• 9 Habits That Make You A Douchebag

    November 11, 2011 9:22 am 8 comments

    Remember to like this one on Facebook.  It may help you prevent random acts of douchebag from your friends and their future children.

    1. Not tipping
    People who provide good service should always be tipped.  Don’t be an asshat.  Folks in certain industries depend on that bit of change.  If someone goes out of their way to ensure your happiness, you can come off a few bucks.  Non-tippers deserve to be nut-kicked by a concrete boot.

    2. Not controlling your kids
    It seems everywhere I go these days some wild ass little slobbering retard is running around a public place (stores…theaters…public parks) bothering otherwise decent folks with their monkey-like annoyance while their parents look on helplessly.  Red Foreman would not put up with such behavior.  We need more guys like Red Foreman in this world.

    3. Driving slow
    No one likes to be stuck behind the guy who has to slow to a turtle-crawl to make a left turn at a stoplight which only stays green for so many seconds.  Turning a vehicle is not a complicated task.  If your brain can not function in such a timely manner you should not be allowed to drive.  Other people would like to make that turn as well.  Don’t be a dick.

    4. Not picking up your trash
    We all know at least one guy always leaves a little piece of whatever he was doing on your end table or floor after he is gone.  There are always trash cans around.  Not using a receptacle to rid yourself of trash is just lazy. Like the old owl used to say, “Give a hoot, Throw your damned trash away!”

    5. Holding up lines
    If there is even one person waiting behind you it is common courtesy to do what the you came to do and move on. No one has time to wait on a person who has had ample opportunity to decide what they wanted before they got to the counter.  Holding up other folks makes you a dredge on society’s functionality.  Please think about this thoroughly the next time you plan on taking fifteen minutes in the express lane learning to write a check for a 7$ purchase.

    6. Not yielding for pedestrians
    In case you were wondering… yes, the phrase “the pedestrian always has the right of away” is meant to be taken literally.  It is not going to kill you to observe the rules of the road and wait a few seconds for an old lady to finish crossing the street before you attempt to run her down.  Decent folks who do not see the need to drive everywhere should not be at risk of their lives every time they enter the realm of the crosswalk because some idiot soccer mom bought an SUV and absolutely can’t be arsed to spare ten seconds of her day to let some kid cross the damn street.

    7. Asking stupid questions in public
    If you are going to be a dumb-ass, please do so in the privacy of your own home.  Regaling others with the scope of your stupidity in such places as a fast food lunch counter or the local supermarket checkout line does not make you cool.  Asking such things as “How late are you open?” when there is a clear-as-day sign on the door as you walk in lacks common sense.  While it may be true that ignorance is bliss, it is exactly the opposite for those who are forced to witness it.

    8. Arguing with your girl in public
    Not a single person in this world cares the least little bit about your relationship problems.  Whenever I see some helpless idiot and his significant other acting like children in front of total strangers the first thought that comes to my mind is the need to bring back the old tar and feathering punishment.  There are reasons you have your own home.  One of them is so other people aren’t bothered with your failed love life.

    9. Thinking you are too cool for the rest of society
    Everyone hates the type of people who walk around with sticks stuck up tightly in their colons.  Old Chuck was right when he said we are all part of the same crap heap.  In essence we are all just animals roaming this earth.  In a perfect world everyone would be treated with equal consequences and respect by everyone else.  This planet would be such a nicer place to live if everyone could follow that simple rule.

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    About The Author
    Mister Smith Mister Smith is a freelance writer, political enthusiast, and business professional who resides in Venice, California. Avoiding long term relationships, surfing and not creating children are among Smith's favorite hobbies.

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