1. Your beer is not better than ours
I hate to be the one to break this to the Germans, but Colorado has better beer. Here is a link to a list of Colorado breweries. There should be no more argument on this subject. If so, the rules state there has to be a drink-off. It will be me and some chicks versus some foreign guy and some chicks. Challenger buys.
2. Your chicks may be skinnier, but ours have bigger boobs
Boobs are what matter the most. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Although I do agree that Brazil kicks America’s ass when it comes to hot chicks… and European women are much more open about sex… and most foreign women like American dudes… wait, there was a point here and I think I broke it…
3. Screw soccer
Girls play soccer. It’s not called football, it is called soccer. There is a reason the Vince Lombardi trophy is not awarded to the winner of the world cup. Vince was a man who only stood for man stuff, like football and running until you pee blood. Soccer players don’t pee blood. They pee horseradish. I’ve seen it…
4. Red Foreman was an American
So were Thomas Jefferson, The Rock, Hunter S Thompson, and Richard Pryor. Don’t get me wrong, there are cool guys in the rest of the world. Just not as many. What’s that you say? You don’t think The Rock belongs on that list? The Rock wipes a monkey’s ass with what you think. Oh yeah, and we’re taking Sean Connery. I claim him for America. Don’t dispute me. I’ll sick my monkey on you bastards!
5. 90% of the time, your country sucks worse than ours
I always find it funny when some asshole starts yammering on about how America sucks and when you ask him where he lives he says some shit like “France”. France has no room to talk about anyone else. At least the United States doesn’t have rioting going on in the streets and stupid guys named “Pierre” walking around drinking wine and speaking French. Maybe we do, but those guys get their asses kicked here. Unless they are Canadians, in which case it’s best to leave them alone during hockey season.
6. Your leaders don’t stand up to Bush…
We don’t allow dictators to terrorize the rest of the world, so why does the rest of the world stand idly by and allow them to terrorize us? A sarcastic thanks goes out for all the help you have given us. I guess taking out that Hitler guy must have been a freebie or something… speaking of Hitler…
7. WWI and II
We stopped the Germans from taking over the world. TWICE. This earth would be a lot worse of a place if it weren’t for the USA. German beer for all? We already discussed that in the first entry. Shizer porn everywhere? I’ll pass. The rest of the world can go ahead though; America is not here to judge.
Not everybody has freedom. When someone doesn’t have freedom, they get mad at America for having it. What they don’t know is we get searched by cops for no reason, harassed by airport security at every turn, and lied to by our officials about everything they know. People without freedom: don’t hate America! We don’t have freedom either.
9. In the end, we are all products of the rest of the world in some way
Only the Native Americans have no roots somewhere in the rest of the world. If anyone should be hating here, it should be the damn Indians hating the rest of the world for what they sent over here. Look at the mess you people caused over here. It used to be a nice forest. Shame…