• 9 Things I’ve Learned from Marriage

    November 6, 2011 9:49 am 1 comment
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  • 1. Living arrangements are hard

    Living with a woman is harder than chopping wood with a stick of coal during a blizzard in the middle of the atlantic ocean. Every little freedom you once took for granted as a single man goes out the window and all of a sudden it becomes unacceptable to point and laugh uncontrollably when you see some poor sap fall down a flight of stairs. Also, interwebz time becomes scarce and if you have a hobby, like writing articles for a small group of online thugs who only care about tits and telling you you’re wrong every chance they get, kiss that goodbye and say hello to a thing I like to call ‘Watching chick flicks on the couch with your balls snipped’.

    2. Women don’t listen

    They talk. A lot. And a lot of the stuff they talk about is not relevant to the interests of guys like us. Also, they never pull this talk marathon bullsh*t when you’re bored. It is always when you are deeply engrossed in doing something else. If you are sitting on the couch not doing a god damn thing, they will leave you alone. The minute you pick up a wrench and head underneath the sink, they all of a sudden feel the need to desperately require your opinion on which piece of clothing goes better with which shoes, despite the fact that you are a guy and have worn the same t-shirt every Saturday for the past 8 years.

    3. It is harder to leave than you think

    Even if you are miserable, low, and ten minutes away from taking all the pill bottles you can find and hurling yourself off the nearest freeway off-ramp, the hardest thing about any long-term relationship is ending it. If you think finding a woman is hard, try walking out the door and restarting your life completely and totally with the dark cloud of divorce hanging over your head. I think a lot of marriages last so long because one of the participants doesn’t have the fortitude to leave and get on with their lives. This happens with women too. Myself, well… I chalked one up for the other side. I still hesitated for more than a short time. In the end you have to decide for yourself. For me, I got divorced for the same reason Leonidas led his 300 to Thermopoly.

    4. 90% of your happiness in life is dependant upon who you marry

    This statement holds more truth than anyone anywhere will ever realize until it is far too late. It is a lesson some of us have to learn 2 or 3 times in life before we finally get it. Some of us never really learn. I learned, but then over the course of ten years I forgot. Now, I have learned again. Ten years later, I will probably screw myself again. Such is life: one long serious of events put into place to help us all screw ourselves constantly.

    5. My very own video game conspiracy

    I have a theory that there is a group of super-secret ultra-wealthy highly-motivated elite online gamers. If you ever run into one online and say, beat him at a game of Madden, your name goes on a list. After the list gets so long, the rich, smug bastards pay hookers to come out and marry you. All of a sudden, you don’t get enough practice time on the game, the rich dude you beat before finds you, and beats your ass 47 to nothing.

    6. You don’t get a day off

    When you’re single, days off from work are usually spent sleeping, drinking, and playing video games. When you’re married, days off from work are spent hepling around the house, doing things that don’t need to be done, and generally trying desperately to uphold the oath you took in front of the judge how many ever eons ago it feels like it was at this point. The little things like waking up past noon are replaced with trips to strip malls and other various shopping locations that you would never go to even if the great king Leonidas himself ordered you at threat of death.

    7. You look at hot chicks differently

    At least I did anyways. Everytime I look at a hot chick on the internet or in a magazine, for a fleeting few seconds the thought runs through my head that it is possible, no matter how improbable, that one day, possibly even that very night, I could have sex with that woman. Scarlett Johansen could show up at my door at any second, even though she doesn’t know where I live, who I am, or why she would naked. Being married and seeing hot chicks was more akin to a fat kid on a diet standing in a candy shop. The improbable idea of sex with random chicks goes away like the fat kids hopes and dreams of getting his grubby little hands on his only joy in life. Some of us need that to wake up in the morning.

    8. You lose a bit of yourself

    Even after the marriage is over, a little part of you that was around beforehand has changed or moved on. Women do their best to get you to break all your bad habits. Being single after a marriage you will find she succeeded in some areas. This can be a good thing, however, if it was something closer to you, it can make you have to rethink everything you learned in the past how many ever years you lived before you made the biggest mistake of your life. I got lucky. Deep down I’m really a rotten bastard.

    9. It is never to late to GTFO

    Possibly the most important thing I learned. Marriage is no longer ’til death do us part’, and that should be struck from the vows. You always have to look out for your own happiness. If you ever find yourself stuck somewhere you don’t want to be, like a bad marraige or even a job or town or city you don’t want to be in, the only real option is to leave. It becomes a question of when, not if, and your life starts to waste away. It eats at you from the inside. You will not be happy until you take action. The sooner, the better.

    Bonus reason number 10:

    Titties. I love titties. I need more than two.

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    About The Author
    Mister Smith Mister Smith is a freelance writer, political enthusiast, and business professional who resides in Venice, California. Avoiding long term relationships, surfing and not creating children are among Smith's favorite hobbies.

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