• 9 Things Men Should Know About Women

    November 2, 2011 8:15 pm 34 comments
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    Mister Smith


    They do not go on the interwebz

    If you meet a girl anywhere in the tubes of the interwebz, she is either: a) a gay trucker b) a scheming Nigerian c) me having a joke, or d) a FBI agent trying to get pics of your junk so he can buttream you in federal prison. Rumors of women on the interwebz have been greatly exaggerated due to the fact that a lot of guys are just really gay. Note: Porn stars are not real women. They are robots made by Cubans in order to finance their drug habit.

    They are bad at chopping wood

    A woman swings an axe like Heath Ledger handles his pills: not very well. They are also bad at building campfires and digging holes. For some reason they never quite take to fence building either. If you ever have to re-shingle your house they are completely useless. You’re better off getting a Mexican midget and a bullwhip. And a nail gun. We don’t want to be total animals…

    Don’t ever go shopping with one

    Many men have entered shopping malls with chicks and not been seen for weeks afterwards. They usually return with tales of epic horror and a frightful dread of anything related to the retail outlet industry. If you ever find yourself caught in such a pickle, pray to whatever god you don’t piss on completely that there is a video game display close by and that you can escape to it unnoticed.

    They are experts at some sort of emotional wizardry

    Beware of your very manhood if one turns this power on you. Chicks can make you sad like your dog died. It’s a super power like Batman’s bad assness, except they don’t use it to catch criminals. They use it to steal video game time from unsuspecting dudes and rob us of our Halo3 skills. The only known cure is drinking. Lots of drinking…

    Lately they have breached the walls of the kitchen

    Not only that, but they are even running for president! Failing epically, but still running none the less. You just lost the game. I know what you are thinking… “WTF Mr. Smith!? Didn’t we have guards stationed in the living room? Who let them out?!?” Gentlemen… I bring you your answer. It was communism. It is always communism.

    They are all lesbians

    In the world I live in all women like other women. When no guys are around they are sexing each other up like some kind of crazy low budget kink flick staring Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy’s cock, except without Ron Jeremy’s cock. Every time you walk in a room where there are girls alone, you just missed an orgy. Have faith and believe, brothers, and your world will become ten times more awesome.

    Movies they like will make you have to take a sh*t

    Women don’t like movies where lots of people get owned by mad martial arts skills then explosions rip through the city before the alien menace is killed by Ash and his hand/chainsaw while free boobs come out from hiding everywhere. They like movies where some asshole wins over a chick, loses her, then gets her back in the end and everything is nice and happy. Those movies make your dick smaller…

    Never go in a woman’s purse

    A man belongs no where near a chick’s handbag. If a woman tells you it’s ok to go in, even one time, it is a trap. As soon as you open the bag it will snatch your balls and you will never see them ever again. Richard Simmons used to be a lumberjack with a three foot long penis and mad camping skills… then he opened a woman’s purse. All he can do now is dance around like the poor sad eunuch he is…

    Logic is not a female attribute

    Too many guys have made the mistake of countering woman nagging with well thought out, fair, coherent, researched and reasonable arguments. Those only fuel the fire and chicks tend to tear them apart pretty easily. A better course of action would be to whip out your stuff and pee a line in the floor. Then go to the corner and selftouch furiously to a picture of her mother and/or sister. Sing the theme song to “The Love Boat” the whole time. She will eventually leave…

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    About The Author
    Mister Smith Mister Smith is a freelance writer, political enthusiast, and business professional who resides in Venice, California. Avoiding long term relationships, surfing and not creating children are among Smith's favorite hobbies.

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