• Christwire Game Review: The Elder Scrolls Skyrim

    November 22, 2011 10:38 pm 65 comments

    WARNING: This video game review contains words and pictures that are not suitable for women and children. Please escort them to their place in the home away from the computer room before continuing with this review.

    Parents, don’t fear, you can rely once again on Christwire to provide you with accurate information and analsis.
    Today we will be informing you on a newly released PC console game called The Elder Scroll Skyrim. Bethesda games bombarded your children with this filth on 11/11/11, which is just like homosexual to pick that sort of date because it is clean and orderly and uniform just like their narcissistic selfs.

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    This game promises to exhibit detailed graphics and game plays and immerse your children in this world of magic and hacking slash fairy tales.

    What Skyrim delivers is many mixed messages to your child.

    Overall, I believe that if you closely monitor your Child’s playstyle this game can actually reinforce some positive Christian values, if you tell them the right people to bash upside their head. This could even be a positive bonding experience. Did that uppity Redguard women have a nasty attitude with you? You can finally show her who’s boss. However there are several things you should be worried about listed below.

    Skyrim’s Severe Affronts to your Christian child:

      Man on man homogay marrying
      Drug toking Skooma
      Women in politics (jarls)
      Worshipping false God’s
      Bestiality relationships between Imperials and Argonian lusty lizard women
      “Leveling up” satan’s magic. Worse than in Harry Potter.

    Character Creation

    high elf
    Here you see a effeminate High Elf with and without women make-up

    Many of the race options accurately portray real life races. The most obvious is the cat-like Khajiit who peddle goods on the side of the road like an orange selling Mexican. They are banned from most cities because they are illegally in the country of skyrim. There are several properly colored race options that you can choose, like the Imperials and Britains and Nordics. The imperials are my favorite because they promote the theme of destroying false gods like the Dragon Talos God. I would advise not playing the yellow-skin High Elfs because they are effeminate and are in the faction the Thalmors who support the dragon take over of the Skyrim way of life and have homosexual relations with the Dragons. I can tell you there is no feeling like playing a proper Imperial and SLAYING a sniveling yellow effeminate man!

    Gameplay

    During the first few minutes, you are being led to your execution amongst some rebels who rebel against their proper Empire rulers. I felt conflicted because the men seemed nice but needed to be executed like all crimincals.

    Before your execution however a Dragon attacks. I was NOT prepared for this. I did NOT know there would be dragons in this game and certainly not dragons so soon after I started playing! If I had known this then I would recommend that your children NOT play this game. Dragons are a symbol of Chinese power and strength over America and I cannot even believe that they are now invading our entertainment time, this is America not china! This dragon was fierce, like the orientalls stealing our economy, swooping down and flapping it’s wings wishing to oppress the entire world. I had to pause this game and calm myself down and raise my family’s American flagpole to its highest point before beginning again.

    dragon rising sun
    Rising sun and dragon

    It turns out later that the whole point of the game is dragons dragons dragons! There Is even a type of dragon called a Blood Dragon that is just too similar to the real life horror of Chinese performing blood pacts for their god Buddha to secure power. But unlike the Chinese menace you can eradicate this infestation. This I noted as a plus for Skyrim.

    If you are going to let your child enjoy the dragon killing of this game I would watch their every move and not let them use pagan magic like necromancy, shoot satan fireballs, or summon an evil mace to wield.

    What also needs to be paid close attention is your child’s choice of companions. There are far too many lusty lizard wenchs eager to rub their scales on your child’s magic merlin wand. Many of these companions are “gifted” to you like a child sex slave and your child may end up inappropriately skyrimming them like this:

    skyrim lydia

    I hope this review has helped you and your family.

    God Bless

    Nicholas

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    About The Author
    Nicholas Tadmor Isn't the fact that proof requires evidence evidence for God existing? Think about it Atheists. I am Christian student getting a good education

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