Christwire Game Review: The Elder Scrolls Skyrim
WARNING: This video game review contains words and pictures that are not suitable for women and children. Please escort them to their place in the home away from the computer room before continuing with this review.
Parents, don’t fear, you can rely once again on Christwire to provide you with accurate information and analsis.
Today we will be informing you on a newly released PC console game called The Elder Scroll Skyrim. Bethesda games bombarded your children with this filth on 11/11/11, which is just like homosexual to pick that sort of date because it is clean and orderly and uniform just like their narcissistic selfs.
This game promises to exhibit detailed graphics and game plays and immerse your children in this world of magic and hacking slash fairy tales.
What Skyrim delivers is many mixed messages to your child.
Overall, I believe that if you closely monitor your Child’s playstyle this game can actually reinforce some positive Christian values, if you tell them the right people to bash upside their head. This could even be a positive bonding experience. Did that uppity Redguard women have a nasty attitude with you? You can finally show her who’s boss. However there are several things you should be worried about listed below.
Skyrim’s Severe Affronts to your Christian child:
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Man on man homogay marrying
Drug toking Skooma
Women in politics (jarls)
Worshipping false God’s
Bestiality relationships between Imperials and Argonian lusty lizard women
“Leveling up” satan’s magic. Worse than in Harry Potter.
Character Creation
”
Here you see a effeminate High Elf with and without women make-up
Many of the race options accurately portray real life races. The most obvious is the cat-like Khajiit who peddle goods on the side of the road like an orange selling Mexican. They are banned from most cities because they are illegally in the country of skyrim. There are several properly colored race options that you can choose, like the Imperials and Britains and Nordics. The imperials are my favorite because they promote the theme of destroying false gods like the Dragon Talos God. I would advise not playing the yellow-skin High Elfs because they are effeminate and are in the faction the Thalmors who support the dragon take over of the Skyrim way of life and have homosexual relations with the Dragons. I can tell you there is no feeling like playing a proper Imperial and SLAYING a sniveling yellow effeminate man!
Gameplay
During the first few minutes, you are being led to your execution amongst some rebels who rebel against their proper Empire rulers. I felt conflicted because the men seemed nice but needed to be executed like all crimincals.
Before your execution however a Dragon attacks. I was NOT prepared for this. I did NOT know there would be dragons in this game and certainly not dragons so soon after I started playing! If I had known this then I would recommend that your children NOT play this game. Dragons are a symbol of Chinese power and strength over America and I cannot even believe that they are now invading our entertainment time, this is America not china! This dragon was fierce, like the orientalls stealing our economy, swooping down and flapping it’s wings wishing to oppress the entire world. I had to pause this game and calm myself down and raise my family’s American flagpole to its highest point before beginning again.
Rising sun and dragon
It turns out later that the whole point of the game is dragons dragons dragons! There Is even a type of dragon called a Blood Dragon that is just too similar to the real life horror of Chinese performing blood pacts for their god Buddha to secure power. But unlike the Chinese menace you can eradicate this infestation. This I noted as a plus for Skyrim.
If you are going to let your child enjoy the dragon killing of this game I would watch their every move and not let them use pagan magic like necromancy, shoot satan fireballs, or summon an evil mace to wield.
What also needs to be paid close attention is your child’s choice of companions. There are far too many lusty lizard wenchs eager to rub their scales on your child’s magic merlin wand. Many of these companions are “gifted” to you like a child sex slave and your child may end up inappropriately skyrimming them like this:
”
I hope this review has helped you and your family.
God Bless
Nicholas
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Nicholas Tadmor
Isn't the fact that proof requires evidence evidence for God existing? Think about it Atheists. I am Christian student getting a good education
11:20 pm
Wow, it is completely shocking that people make games like this and that they are allowed in our country.
Thanks for the warning up front. We have quite a few impressionable visitors in the house this Thanksgiving week.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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12:39 am
I used to be as stupid as you, then I took an arrow to the knee.
btw, the arrow was atheism
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2:12 am
Bahahahaha ^^^
)
..that’s the trouble with skyrim these days – everyone’s obsessed with death…
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11:42 pm
I believe that The biggest gay (Satan) is behind this child sodomy brainwash “game”.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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12:43 am
So much hate, did your father or mother not support you when you found out you were gay?
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2:11 am
Hate ? i only want to protect the children from satanistic atheist homogays like YOU
Hot debate. What do you think?
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3:20 pm
all ive seen this website do is hate.
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11:19 pm
Please somebody think of the children..
Poor children gettin raised my homo-pedohile parents whom try to blame the media for why they enjoy touching there children..
Ah redneck bible-bashers, keeping my laughs up a day at a time
Hot debate. What do you think?
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6:13 am
SKRIM IS GOD. and if i were you id take that cross on ur picture your no better than a Nazi homo-gays wow your cool its totally fine cause as your false book reads “it is you who will be judged at the gates of christ”
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11:29 pm
u brain washed tool. religion is for the primitive thinkers like u, or better yet, non-thinkers. fear of going out of path of that one belief which has been pounded into you by your religious freak parents since birth. fear that brings ignorance. fear that manipulates.
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11:32 pm
It has Satan’s mark indeed
Hot debate. What do you think?
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2:18 am
This website has Satan’s mark. Go ahead and praise your unholy and dark master!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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10:19 pm
1st of all, you look 12, what are you doing trying to pan your basis-less opinions off on anybody. Id think even the craziest of bible beaters would know more than to listen to you.
2nd, put down the vidoe games and go get laid, youll be better off for it. And, im sorry, but just like the video games you review youll have to start at the bottom…with a fat girl.
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7:05 am
Seriously? I thought God loved us no matter what.
This site is just pure anti christian.
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2:08 am
Really? Video games brainwash our children? It’s you bible humpers that brainwash our children. Heck, you are possible the biggest nutjob that has ever graced the internet.
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12:29 pm
First, i am pretty sure you Christians are just “butt hurt” so i can not hold that against you. Second, it has been proven that video games greatly improve hand eye coordination. Third, and this is the best one, it is the Christians who are trying to brain wash children into believing in a “GOD” that see’s everything, makes you pay for their sin’s when they die, demands praise and does nothing, and wants unquestioning faith…i am so tired of Christians telling me its “GODS” will, or if you do not believe than you will burn in hell…FUCK YOU CHRISTIANS, YOU ARE A HUGE PART OF WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!!!!!!!
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12:35 am
Twas not this Satan, but Father Akatosh, and the Nine who brought us this amazing tale about a man who risks his life so others my prosper in a war-torn land.
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11:48 pm
Beautiful review. I can not wait to post my follow up on this game.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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3:13 pm
Honestly I have read your post and your review. From the start your facts are wrong. I am guessing your world of Warcraft and Skyrim are two completely different games. WOW is made by blizzard not Skyrim. Now for a scolding I was a Jar-head protected the little freedoms and normally judge no one to each there own since that’s what I was told. As for the kids that have it there are two types of people to blame since it is rated M for mature the people selling the game aren’t checking and Neither are the lazy parent’s so it isn’t the makers fault point the finger at yourself for not doing your part.
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12:04 am
Thst son of mine came home with that game and locked himself in the room again, I smell incense masked odars coming from under the door and floor -rattling beats of door music that he plays on that blasted stereo. How does he afford a stereo system when he’s as lazy as a honey drunken bear cub? Then his damned punk emosexual friend rings the bell and wisks off to his room and clicks the lock behind him. I’m starting to suspect my son’s breaking his covenant agin.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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3:01 pm
I also raised my flagpole while my son was playing this game.
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10:22 pm
Ill bet you did…you know, masturbation is a sin
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11:17 pm
You touch your son don’t you?
Explain why he locks the door behind himself…
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5:00 pm
What gives you the right to pry into my personal life in such an unwelcome manner?
My son was a pillar of God’s strength when he followed by the covenant of Christ. But when the empty promises of emosexuality and the pull of peer pressure overwhelmed him, he gave in to a life of promiscuity and illegal leaf drugs and now is a slave to every evil fad temptation out there.
Furthermore, based on your screen name, you’re probably an emosexual that is also headed down the same path. Now I know that the empty void in your life is caused by the same adherence to the ways of evil and satan’s lure, but when you hit rock bottom I pray that you give your heart to Christ for the sake of your eternal soul.
“Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established. The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.” – Prov 16.3-4
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7:07 am
I THOUGHT GOD LOVED US NO MATTER WHAT
THIS SITE IS ANTI CHRISTIAN.
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6:40 am
Cassidy Pen, your only digging your own grave with comments like that about your own child. He/she will end up hating you forever because your probably treating them like “emosexuals”. Your ignorant, get some perspective on your child’s life instead of judging them.
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1:50 am
this is america ?? you know that the actual dragon is from european Mythology not the chiense one ?
I mean the sort of dragon you saw
as for “this is america” the entire world is not “america” just to let’s you know
not happy with the game don’t buy it
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2:29 pm
I always did think that Skyrim sounded like gay innuendo, I told this to my BF and he agrees lol.
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3:58 pm
skyrimjob? what?
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3:35 pm
This is one of the best games around right now. I’m neither Gay nor a Satan worshiper either. This Game and all fantasy novels and games are all based off of Norse Mythology, which has been around long before the Bible had even been written. You people make me sick, your just a bunch of extremists who deserve not to be by the side of God, but getting Raped by Big Black Men in a jail far away from people.
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1:45 am
Hey, Nicholas Tadmor, may I skyrim you?
In all seriousness though, this website is a laugh a minute! This subtle form of over-the-top sarcasm is sure to leave audiences laughing from the minute they begin reading. I do have one problem with the article though. I dont mean to be a grammer NAZI (emphasis on NAZI) but, “orientalls” should be capitalized making it Orientalls, and then lose the second L, making it Orientals. Also, when you said “This I noted as a plus.” I believe it should read “This, I noted as a plus” seeing as you are referring to an earlier statement. Also, when referring to a title, it should either be in italics, or underlined. Also, the game is called “The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.” Notice Scrolls has an S, and there is a colon in the title.
“Bethesda games bombarded your children with this filth on 11/11/11, which is just like homosexual to pick that sort of date because it is clean and orderly and uniform just like their narcissistic selfs.”
This paragraph should be amended to make it flow better. Make it as stated here:
“Bethesda games bombarded your children with this filth on 11/11/11, which is just like (the) homosexual(s) to pick this sort of date because it is clean, orderly and uniform just like their narcissistic selves.”
There is many more grammatical errors as well as spelling. If you would like me to point them all out, respond. If not, I seriously recommend taking a college level English course.
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2:01 am
Or even finish his high school education. He types like he has an eighth grade education at best.
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2:16 am
Id like to know where the hell you go the software to edit the left picture. Also, seeing as you do not have a real job (making up shit to criticize something that clearly has insufficient research is not a job) how did you even afford it? Do you intentionally force people like myself away from the very thing you try to get people to follow? Never in my life have i ever seen such ignorant hypocrisy. I guarantee that you were molested as a child while you were force fed the same shit you are feeding people here. How does it feel to “inform” your followers and brainwash them into becoming the very thing Americans try to destroy. If someone did want to be a homosexual what the hell is wrong with that? Only Satan himself would disallow one to be happy and be able to express themselves. I may not be perfect, but I don’t feed people whatever shit falls out of my ass onto the floor. As you already know, your satanic god will give you whats coming to you for your deceit and treachery toward the common good of what America really is. This article is a seed of evil that seeks to grow into a destructive force that kills the very soul of freedom itself. Also, I own Skyrim…the only fact in here is that you get to create a character, explore, kill dragons, and cast spells. As a final comment, you must be extremely bad at noticing details, as the emblem for the Skyrim game is, and i am not fucking with you, a dragon! WOW WHO WOULD THINK DRAGONS WOULD BE IN IT WITH THAT?!?!?!? Bethesda is a respectable company who keeps their games clean. Stop fucking bashing their genius creations. If you only knew of the mods that people can and WILL create for this, then you could maybe start to worry about what is in the game. Bethesda is not at all trying to get your children to have gay butt sex or fist themselves; stop polluting the web with your bullshit.
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6:18 am
AS I TYPE IM WORKING ON A TEXTURE MOD OF THE GUYS FACE SO ANY ONE CAN MURDERED OVER AND OVER. =]
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2:20 am
Sorry but I just noticed that you discriminate fucks hate women. Why the hell is this not suitable for women and why does the man automatically use the computer? And who are you to take away a woman’s free will by whisking them away from the room so the man can read his “dirty” article. Last time i checked, people masturbate when their alone. Do you encourage masturbation? THATS A SIN YOU KNOW! Hail Satan indeed!
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2:26 am
Yeah, I noticed that too! And BY THE WAY op…I am a woman and *gasp* I read this “review” and after the many hours my boyfriend and I have played skyrim…both as make and female characters I must say I love the game! It’s puzzle solving and strategy creative and rational…I am a married female in the game and I have two adopted children in a house I built on a lake with chickens and a library full of books to read…sometimes my skyrim hubby takes our little boy hunting and fishing and they do chores…there’s a reason why it’s called a Fantasy Role-Playing game….you create a whole new character and build their skills and they turn out with things you yourself end up wishing to be better at which is great for self awareness and spiritual growth. Sure…some of the things are a little anti-belief (such as soul trap) but if you just look past the theological “issue” and look at it as a GAME you might enjoy yourself and maybe even learn a thing or two. As to your attitude about women in general…
Fus.
Ro.
Dah.
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3:56 am
Over Christmas break I will be writing some Elder Scrolls: Skyrim based metal. I’ll put a link up on here when it’s recorded!
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7:17 am
Skyrim is amazing. It totally changed my life, before I was known as Peter, a devout godfearing man but now after buying this game I am now gay and I commit vile sins on a daily basis, such as sacrificing goats.
HAIL SATAN, DESPOILER OF VIRGINS, MASTER OF ABORTIONS!
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8:32 pm
hahah nuke you made me LOL i was in a shitty mood and i found this review some people are either fukn clueless or they are fantastic at art of sarcasm.
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7:54 am
Skyrim is an amazing game. You probably wouldn’t know this, because you’re too busy fearing everything and praying to a God you don’t have proof is there. To real Christians, like my mother, you are an embarrassment.
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9:02 am
Man…these people are making me miss Hitler…
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9:47 am
I amm raising my flag high as I read these satanic comments!
Praise our lord and thank you for keeping us updated on the deceitfull companies trying to bring satanic video games into our households!
I shall wake my child in his sleep tonight and shove my his face against the computer screen to make him understand how EVIL these video games are!
Once more, thank you!
Praise the lord
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6:50 pm
ur gonaa wake him in the night to do what to him ur gross bad parent
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8:34 pm
you you atleast kiss your child before you molest them (people who watch the evil satan made southpark will know what i mean lol )
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10:29 pm
Yea, that doesn’t sound like child abuse at all. Next are you going to shove his face in some whores snatch to show him how bad that is? Man, if Jesus where alive(assuming he, really, was once) to see what a mockery you religious extremists have made of his beautiful message….he’d probably convert Muslim.
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4:02 pm
Why are all the bible thumpers posting with such awful grammar? Haven’t learned to type one-handed while browsing Boy Scouts’ website? FUS-RO-DAH! ALL HAIL MAYOR McCHEESE!
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1:05 am
Riiiiiight…
First allow me to say that the whole
“WARNING: This video game review contains words and pictures that are not suitable for women and children. Please escort them to their place in the home away from the computer room before continuing with this review.”
Was rather offensive to me as I am of the female persuasion. And I’m not even going to get into that little bit about women in politics.
Second, I would also like to say this is all complete hogwash. Not everything out there is an evil device meant to corrupt the children of today. I play this game and thoroughly enjoy it, it did not make me homosexual, it did not make me violent, nor did it make me worship Satan or the like.
Third… How on earth did you not know there would be dragons… did you not read the plot? Did you not watch the trailers? Please do not tell me you picked up this game without even knowing the slightest detail about it, for that would just be utterly absurd.
Forth, the dragons of this game are European dragons, not Chinese dragons, my four year old cousin could tell you that from just watching Dora the Explorer. and I’m not even going to touch the whole “Chinese performing blood pacts for their god Buddha” thing.
So in conclusion, this entire article is absolutely ridiculous.
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8:36 pm
dont take these tools seriously. i for one can not believe people like them exist in our society. its rather funny in my opinion.
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2:08 am
You’re… kidding right? I mean I get how some of these are bad for kids, like the drugs and the alcohol, but a lot of what you said is 1 reading into things too much 2 a large support of my thought that christianity is the source of most intolerance seen in the world (like with the whole “satan magic” and anti-pagan stuff you threw in for effect). Btw I think you’re the racist for comparing the kahjiit to mexicans -.- the reason they aren’t allowed in the cities is because most people of skyrim ONLY like the nords. Kahjiits aren’t the only ones that are a scarcity, so are orcs, bretons, elves, and argonians. Please stop being such a close-minded bastard. Once again a christian has shown me the way… the way to shun everything even remotely against your views. You close minded jerk…
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4:00 pm
…andddddd that’s why its a fake article written for comedic, satirical and sarcastic effect.
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2:48 am
Also two MORE things wrong, mainly with the part with the picture and the “companions”… how is having an ADULT person on your team to help you fight to FREE SKYRIM FORM THE DRAGONS even REMOTELY like owning a child sex slave? Pardon my language but where the fuck did you get that analogy? Also for that picture you have to go through quite a lot of specific things just to even do that. You’d have to kill a person, strip them, then hold the search button on the corpse and move them. Basically YOU SIR are a pervert for going through the steps necessary to do such vulgar things in a game not meant for such purposes. Yet another hypocrisy under the veil of your “holy ambition”
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5:40 am
hey why don’t you so being a self centered little prick and learn to enjoy life this game is nothing like what you say it to be as i am a fan of the series it has nothing to do with being a child sex slave owner, nor is there to do with homosexual activities, you need some serious help if you actually think this way
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8:49 am
>2011
>beta gayniggers belive in bible
nothing strange
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9:31 am
I think the guy who wrote this article… is racist. “The most obvious is the cat-like Khajiit who peddle goods on the side of the road like an orange selling Mexican.” and “I can tell you there is no feeling like playing a proper Imperial and SLAYING a sniveling yellow effeminate man!”
Seriously dude Mexicans? And when you say yellow effeminate man you mean Asians, you’re so racist.
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9:35 am
Also Chinese don’t perform blood pacts in Buddhism… and Buddha isn’t a god he’s just a guy… and in China Buddhism is pretty fucking illegal, cause they’re communist so every one is an equal.
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3:15 pm
Buddhism practices Ahimsa. Do you know what that is? No it’s not anal sex dragon fat orgies. It’s the act of neutrality. if you punch me in the nuts, i just sit there and smile back.
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4:16 pm
Skyrim has converted me from christianity into homosexual
HAIL SATAN BURN THE FLAG!
now i will touch my wiener!!!!
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7:35 am
THIS GAME MADE ME AN GAY
FHUI27355 MNJ24QUIPZEG\357W3468SFHZSDDFSA4Y4
SORRY
THAT WAS ME BEING RAPED BY A DRAGON
FUCKING CHINESE PEOPLE
STEALING OUR ECONOMOTYMTONT
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7:18 pm
Homosexualism.
<3
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8:55 pm
AMERICA, F@#$ YEAH!!
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11:43 pm
So you want Alduin to destroy my home and loving Wife? How dare you disrespect my religion. I pray to Akatosh and the Nine that your souls are cast down into the waters of Oblivion. You’re just lucky my wife is minding the shop or she would go to your headquarters and slaughter you all. You want to see a picture of her? http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/File:Jenassa.png
Talos, give me the strength to reach through my computer and snap this wankers neck.
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6:28 am
How funny is it that the CHRISTIAN, who wrote this article, is a male supremist, homo-bashing racist. What a dumbass.
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6:31 am
thnk you, nicholas tadmor, for showing me that cristians are as ignorant as i have always believed.
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11:14 pm
Yes, I would have to agree that this of all video games is very satanic and evil. Whenever I play I always think of myself sucking the balls of my Arch-Mage mast or play a skinflute at the Bard’s Collage. These ideas this game has forced onto me are undeniable and are horrifying. I cannot help but to speak against this game for it’s bigotry. Though I had great pleasure when I was tested during an, in game necromantic ritual where I had to fornicate with the Emperor’s corpse To raise him back from the dead… Then after that he screwed me over and stabbed me in the back. This game teaches betrayal and blasphemy. I shall condemn the magical practices that go on in this game such as summoning a dragon to rape all the horses on the battlefield. Also, creating a fireball that makes every elf in the vicinity fornicate with each other. These acts gave great pleasure to me but by the will of God shall I never play this again and forever condemn it.
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12:07 am
you are a fucking idiot ^^
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3:59 am
You are all the most ignorant pack of little bible bashers i have ever had the misfortune to stumble upon. The thought of having women in politics as being a bad thing saddens me, you wonder why your silly little book and stupid kiddie fiddling priests are so hated amongst the enlightened world. God is not real and nor is anything written in you wee fairytale. I feel sorry for you, but mostly for your sad repressed children being indoctrinated into you you silly made up world.
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11:51 pm
I’d post a facetious comment right now but I must converse with the Night Mother.
Night Mother: Listener! What took you so long? I’ve been bombarded with prayers up to my decaying eye sockets!
Me: I apologize mother… Really that many people must be killed?
Night Mother: No, they are all for one man, it is as if everyone in all of Tamriel wants this man dead.
Me: Forgive me for saying so mother, but that must be an exageration.
NM: I’m not kidding, Khajits, Argonians, Elves, Redguards (he doesn’t think they’re properly colored or some shit like that), Bretons (He keeps calling them the wrong name, yes it sounds disproportionate but it must be really annoying to some of them)some of the court wizards and members of the College of Winterhold, Daedra worshipers, hell, even the guys in the chapels. A lot of women seem to hate him to for his rather blatant sexism.
Me: Huh…. so who is this guy and which contract do we honor?
NM: He is known as Nicholas Thador and I don’t care just talk to the first person you see I’m sure they’ll want him dead. So begins a contract bound in blood ya, ya, ya just hurry up and run the bastard through before this massive headache I have kills me again…. Wait how do I have a head ache?
Me: Your will be done my unholy matron. Hail Sithis!
NM: You still here!?
ME: Sorry! *runs out of the sanctuary.
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