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“Help! My Roommate Masturbates Too Much!”
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RedditHi, weird but totally serious question for you. Freshman in college here, living with another guy for the first time. My roommate is very cool, a jock type with lots of friends. The thing is I can hear him jerk off at night. First couple of times it was like 3 a.m. but now he doesn’t even try to hide it. Like a few minutes after we turn off the lights he’s doing it. He does it like 3 or 4 times a night. Is that normal? I’m completely grossed out the way he grunts and everything. It’s hard for me to sleep. The other day I came back from class and his underwear was on my lazy boy. It was wet when I picked it up! Not cool! I’m embarrassed to confront him about this. What should I do?
Signed, Freaked Out Freshman
Dear FOF,
Masturbation is indeed a controversial issue on many college campuses today. I suggest you deal with this problem promptly and decisively to protect yourself from further headaches. Clearly, you’re roommate’s “little hobby” is having a negative effect on your schoolwork, your sleep and your mental health.
You should understand that persistent masturbation can be a difficult addiction. Your friend may have never learned the virtues of self-control. Also, it’s safe to say that he has not been educated about the physical and spiritual damage that intense self-gratification can cause.
FIRST STEP: CONFIRM YOUR SUSPICIONS
1. Invest in a desk lamp or a strong flashlight if you don’t already have one. After lights out, if your hear the moaning or thrashing noises, quickly shine a spotlight on his bed to see if you can catch him in the act. This will also let him know that you’re fully aware of his activities.
2. Alter your schedule and come back to the dorm early from class. If he is playing with himself on your chair– and it’s highly likely that he is– you may walk in on him. This will make him uneasy about public displays and he will realize, “No time is a safe time for masturbation.”
3. If these methods do not succeed, you might want to examine his bed when he’s out of the room. Does he keep erotic magazines under his mattress? What do his sheets smell like? Masturbation leaves a sour, bleach-like odor and small damp stains that crust up around the edges.
4. Another gratification location for the habitual stroker is the shower. In this situation, milky globules of ejaculate will be left on the tile walls at knee height. The self-abuser is usually too exhausted afterward to properly clean his waste and it will congeal and yellow over time.
Click Below to Download Christwire’s Health & Hygiene PDF Posters and Display Them in Your Dormitory!
—> Have You Had “The Masturbation Conversation“ With Your Roommate Yet?
—> Your Checklist for a Healthy College Dorm Experience!
SECOND STEP: SCHEDULE A TIME TO DISCUSS THE ISSUE
Once you’ve collected proof of his unwelcome habit, tell your roommate that you’d like to talk about an important personal matter and set up a time when you’re both done for classes for the day.
As Pastor Mark Driscoll of Seattle’s Mars Hill Church recently noted, “Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.”
You must be careful when broaching this subject with your roommate. You don’t want him to get the impression that you’re excited by his masturbation or interested in any homo-erotic action.
Be willing to share your own rules for health and cleanliness, including whatever spiritual aspects they entail. Be prepared to open up about your feelings, about how he’s setting a bad example for you and how much you care for his health and his soul. Ask him how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot– wouldn’t he be upset if you masturbated very loudly each night at the same time he does?
But Why Do Guys Masturbate?
Restlessness, anxiety, moral inadequacy, perversion and confusion are all reasons why young men seek solace in unnecessary self-gratification. Some even do it just to rebel and “be cool.” Consider these challenges as you prepare for the next stage in your battle for a decent and productive college dorm environment.
THIRD STEP: MAKE A GAME PLAN AND STICK TO IT!
1. Let him know that you’re fully committed to helping him curb his masturbation addiction.
2. Dismantle any protective screens meant to shield one’s bed for exploratory “private times.”
3. Challenge your roommate to see who can refrain from self-abuse the longest. Keep track and try to break each other’s records! Set up a reward for whoever is most successful during the semester. A pleasant dinner out or an excursion to a sports event will keep you both focused on a joyful completion to your efforts.
4. Let your roommate know that he can depend on you for support if he ever needs to talk about his unnatural urges. Prepare yourself with the pro-purity literature available online.
5. Free time and excess energy can lead to the distraction of masturbation. Joining a sports team is a great way to tame those restless hands!
6. The Bible offers much information about humanity’s call to corporeal purity. The Good Book is always there for you to enjoy and share!
7. If all else fails, you might try reading Scripture aloud each time you hear him pleasuring himself. Passages from the Book of Leviticus can be extemely effective.
Good luck!
“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin; and sin when it is full-grown brings forth death.” –James 1:14-15.
1:31 am
“No time is a safe time for masturbation.” Brilliant!
Thank you for the advice, Dr. Billings. We are all forever indebted to you for sharing your unique gift for “telling it like it is.”
To that end, have you ever thought about hosting your own weekly advice show? I know it sounds like it could be quite the time-drain, but the youth are so misguided nowadays and could really use a strong, brawny Christian such as yourself to set them straight. They’re always onto this or that and it rarely has anything to do with scripture. Well, God Bless.
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11:27 pm
The Clown….THE CLOWN. HELL SPAWN FROM THE DEPTHS OF HADES ITS SELF. DONT LOOK AT ITS EYES. OH GOD, THE HORROR THE HORROR!!!!
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2:18 am
Billings, you’re the only person who seems to be so caught up with sniffing the sheets of others after they’ve whacked off that it’s beyond scary now. And how do you know that jizz congeals and yellows? You’re a sick fuck, you know that, right?
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8:20 pm
Billings has spent many hours sniffing cum-stained sheets. He then rolls around in them.
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6:43 pm
This is a very important problem and I don’t know why you take it so lightly. There’s no need to be graphic. I am trying to grapple with this situation as an adult, it would be great if you could as well.
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7:21 pm
Do the dorms provide these “shields”?
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8:11 pm
How to stop it? Ask him to do it someplace else, or sometime else when you’re not there.
“But Why Do Guys Masturbate?
Restlessness, anxiety, moral inadequacy, perversion and confusion are all reasons why young men seek solace in unnecessary self-gratification. Some even do it just to rebel and “be cool.” Consider these challenges as you prepare for the next stage in your battle for a decent and productive college dorm environment.”
We masturbate because it releases chemicals in the brain that make us feel good, relax us, and generally improve our mood. Also, semen contains carcinogens that over time can increase the risk of cancer. Perversion can be a factor. So can restlessness and anxiety.
“Dismantle any protective screens meant to shield one’s bed for exploratory “private times.””
That’s pretty sick. Do you want to see guys wank or something?
“Prepare yourself with the pro-purity literature available online.”
I’m going to ask my English teacher if that’s actually literature.
“7. If all else fails, you might try reading Scripture aloud each time you hear him pleasuring himself. Passages from the Book of Leviticus can be extemely effective.”
Or just throw the damn book at him. Physical force has more of an effect than speech.
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6:44 pm
That’s a handful of pro-abuse propaganda right there. Are you honestly telling me there is nothing wrong with gratifying your body non-stop? Do you really think this does affect the mind and body? I have heard far too many stories about families ruined by porn addiction and masturbation to shrug this issue off so lightly.
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6:57 pm
Overeating counts as gratifying your body nonstop. We’ve been over this before, hypocrite.
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6:59 pm
Sticking dildos all over your body isn’t the most beautiful, moral thing I’ve heard of either, young lady.
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7:44 pm
At least I won’t die of coronary artery disease, fat-tits.
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7:32 pm
just saying Porn actually helped family all around the world abstinence didn’t on other hand
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7:39 pm
Source, porn freak?
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8:06 pm
Propaganda implies material not based on facts. This is based on facts. Continuous gratification prevents itself. There’s only so many endorphins we can create, and after that, the good feelings stop while the body creates more chemicals.
I’ve heard of far more marriages ruined by incompatibility. It only becomes an issue if it’s with a married couple where one member doesn’t approve.
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9:15 am
Leviticus? Really? The 3000 year old moral code that also condemns wearing clothing of mixed fibers, having sex with a woman during menstruation is grounds for execution, and many other completely off base punishments including stoning for just about everything that is “sin”.
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10:00 pm
Yeah..easy solution. Go out, have some alcohol, meet some chicks, have a root. Wow done. Your room mate is no longer horny as fuck therefore the wanking will decrease. Maybe get some yourself.. Enjoy
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10:20 pm
Examining his bed? Wow, not only is that an invasion of privacy, but it is also disgusting. Fucking disgusting…
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2:16 am
Such great information for our youth from Mr. Billings!
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11:01 am
Christwire, making fun of Christians using the Poe’s Law principal.
Funny, it fits much better the other way around.
I was thinking about a blog I want to write, and I need your opinion.
The header: “Hundreds of OWS Protesters Contract TB During Circle Jerk at Zuchotti Park”
Story reads: “Despite numerous attempts by police to break up the tent city at Zuchotti Park due to outbreaks of TB, head lice, body lice, and random rapes, the OWS protesters insist they must stay to “teach the bankers who gave them student loans” a lesson. So far, the bankers have not contracted TB, head lice, body lice, or been victims of rape.
One OWS protester we interviewed stated that he thought this was because the bankers hadn’t allowed their garbage bill to lapse, and weren’t like the “common man” or the “99%”, who bravely wander through the street trash despite it’s foul stench, spreading self righteous disease as a testament to their unbreakable will, and unwavering belief that “nobody should have to pay for their own stuff”.
We asked this protester, who said his name was “Mustard”, why he wasn’t protesting the Universities who charge such outrageous tuition, and he told us that “the professors encourage us to protest the banks”, and “our teachers have to eat too!”.
The local University spokesman could not be reached for comment.
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6:19 pm
Hello friend,
I have found many of your comments on this website rather interesting in an intellectual way. You surely have a head full of ideas! But if you have actual journalism you’d like to submit, why don’t you use the “submit a link” button at the top of this page? Posting irrelevant commentary and insulting my credability at the same time is not very nice. In fact, I find it appalling.
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5:22 pm
Firstly, you’re a journalist. Allegedly. The word is spelled “credibility.”
You cannot call what you write “actual journalism”. It is tripe.
That is to say, if you believe what you’ve written. If not, you are THE FUNNIEST comedian I have read this year. Well done. Well, either well done or truly morally bankrupt and disgusting.
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8:52 am
“…Also, it’s safe to say that he has not been educated about the physical and spiritual damage that intense self-gratification can cause.”
And what damage would that be? I haven’t noticed anythig yet.
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1:41 pm
What kind of dorm room allows the occupants to turn off the lights? I know that Jesus is always watching one, but dormitories are rampant with Satanic ritual and Black magic.
Where I attended University, we slept 200 to a room. I assure you there was no self abuse in any way.
And the lights were always ON!
How else can you read the Bible at 3 am?
When you need help you can always reach around to Jesus!
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5:31 pm
Actually, that sounds terrible. As in, psychological abuse terrible.
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2:18 am
Chronic masturbators are sometimes violent when discovered- even self professed Christians. When confronting them, one should keep in mind that they are under Satanic influence, and caution is advised. Having a cross and bible with you is one way to calm their wrath, when discovered.
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