• Hope Solo Pictures on ESPN Commercial, Shows New “Star Wars” Movie is nothing But Pure Raunch

    November 1, 2011 5:09 pm 5 comments
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  • The two elder Jews of immorality, Spielberg and Lucas, are poised to take master command of Hollywood again with a new release to the “Star Wars” movie saga.

    The latest release, Star Wars:  The Deep Abyss, is a rated-R skin-fest that will be shown in standard 2-d and a revolutionary new ‘3-d’ format from LucasArts that uses crystal halogen diodes to make the film look like a life stage play.

    The script and filmed scenes that have been leaked so far have greatly upset Star Wars traditionalists, who enjoy the ‘space oddesy’ nature of the original film series.  Some details of the orginal series have been retconned where new motifs are introduced.  While Princess Leia was an admitted coke-addict and wore somewhat scandalous clothing, the new film makes seeing Amy Grant doing a three-ball off a midget hooker’s spread cheeks on a 3am Vegas bedsheet seem tame in comparison.  That is to say, the new movie is shocking and is using flesh to sell itself.

    The story starts out 20 years after Darth Vader and Darth Sidious’ supposed demise, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia continuing a shocking relationship of bedroom relations even after knowing they are brother and sister.  While such news is hushed in the recovering empire, the two now rule with the help of Hans Solo and Chewbacca as military leaders to rule the massive armies who put down ‘Dark’ rebellions that are still taking place.

    The Jedi Council is rebuilt and one special female Jedi, Jumie Skywalker, begins having visions of Hans Solo that trouble her.  In every one of her visions, he comforts her, as a father would.  Speaking to a good friend of hers on the council, Jumie is encouraged to approach the legendary military leader and see if he shares some special connection with her.

    Hans Solo and Leia, posing for Star Wars: Deep Abyss promotional. Hans Solo and Leia carry on secret affair behind back of Luke Skywalker, the revelation of which throwing the Republic into another war.

    After an emotional scene and Jumie sensing that Hans is holding back from her, she lashes out and holds him down with her light saber.  Hans responds with his own weaponry and a fight breaks out, Hans showing ‘moves beyond that of an elder mortal with no midichlorians’.

    Hans manages to get the upper-hand over the young Jedi and having her at the precipice of death, reaches down and kisses her cheek.  He then whispers a shock, “Jumie, I am your father.”

    Little did Jumie know that her ‘friend’ from the Jedi council was a rogue, darth agent who had her tunic bugged.  The revelation was soon played throughout the empire, infuriating Luke Skywalker to know that his queen, the perennial Princess Leia, had forsaken their marriage vows some 20 years earlier.  Their one child was not his, but rather, that of his ‘trusted’ friend Hans Solo.

    “Your name was to be Hope, Jumie.  And you have a brother.  You have a twin brother.”

    Now knowing the truth, Jumie’s mind snaps and she enters a primal, berserk state that not even her Jedi training can calm.  In one shocking scene, the one that aired on ESPN during a promotional commercial, Jumie Skywalker screams “I am Hope Solo” and strips off her Jedi’s garb.  Confused and quaking, she steals into a ship and goes to a sandy planet, where she bursts out running without any garbs, bringing death to anything in her enraged path.


    Learning of the news, Luke Skywalker begins to hear ‘dark’ voices in his head.  They are that of Darth Vader and Darth Sidious, the former being still alive and the latter a clone.  Together, the ‘Terrible Triumvirate’ has set about overtaking the empire again, the only hope resting in a young, mindless Jedi torn between raw passion and angst, and that of good, Hope Solo.

    The film is slated for a early 2013 release and seems to borrow heavily from Christopher Nolan’s Batman franchise.  From the leaked photographs and footage, the supposed “Darth” costume that Luke Skywalker dons has heavy similarity to Batman’s costume in The Dark Knight.

    Aside from dealing with mature themes of adultery and betrayal, the film is also rumored to have extensive scenes of gore, violence and flesh pounding passion.  The character of “Hope Solo’ is said to reveal herself all throughout the movie and what’s said of the final scene:  ‘gird thy loins, for the greatest, most enthralling shock in cinema history is coming’.

    Movie:  Star Wars:  The Deep Abyss  Slated Release Year:  2013

    Moral Movie Rating:  S (Sinister) for:  exposing flesh of actress, evolutionary teaching (“midichlorians”), praising power of dark forces, sorcery, showing alien life as true, gun battles, blood, potential flesh orgy between multiple species, mind control, witchcraft, adultery, ‘r-movie’ masquerading as fun family sci-fi film

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    About The Author
    Dan Nordgren Born and raised in upstate New York, Dan Nordgren is currently a film student who enjoys martial arts, mountain climbing and football as components of his very active life. Join Team Sarah TODAY

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