Abe’s Caveman Diet
There was a point in time when that picture above would send every man’s mouth watering and stoking the fires of his grill to create juicy, succulent perfection. For some of you, the same rings true. It matters not the season, tomorrow you will have you a steak. Others, however, have fallen off the wagon of decency and into a lifestyle of veggie platters, chemicals that liquify your bowels and fad diet/exercise routines that are just not part of natural order.
Today’s op-ed piece started off with the mouth of my wife. She opened her mouth and words came out. They were not surprisingly wrong but I listened like a good husband before setting things straight. “Dear,” she said, “we need to go on a diet.”
Amused, I listened to her talking about a South Beach diet and cutting back on our calories with specialized dinners. She’s already bought some milk shakes at the store which seem to be a form of prunes but cost a good $20 more for the same effect. Hell, if it comes to it I could just go to Mexico, drink some sewer water and have the same taste in my mouth and toilet result 15 minutes later.
Come to think of it, we’ll just call that El Agua Explosivo diet and market it with some Mexicans. For only $20 dollars, you can have murky Mexican water and feel it make your intestines explode in weight-dropping fury.
In all seriousness, these fad diets are growing far too common in America. We are definitely getting more and more out of shape. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the specimen of muscle beach perfection I never was, but then again, I’m not unhealthy. You all saw the video of me lifting a fridge into a truck. I’m not some two bites of salad biting retard who starves himself or accepts his family doing the same. I eat, I stay active and I really enjoy water.
People have the unique position of being omnivores, we can pick what we eat. But don’t try to tell me there is anything natural about eating cartons of super-processed dinners that have more sodium and scientific chemical trickery than Neil deGrasse Tyson eating a bucket of salted Popeye’s chicken, all for the price of $8 for two bites.
The fad diets are the new exercise in PT Barnum’s circus band snake oil. Why is it that after 6,000 years of specialized point-forward evolving, that we suddenly need some ‘fad diets’ to keep us healthy? I’m guessing that what scientists call a cave-man, Adam, did not need Dr. Akin’s telling him to stuff his rear with carrot juice enemas and play tinkly lemon time with Eve to drop 30 calories. My guess is that our ancestors ran a bunch, hunted meat with their bear hands and chugged water.
If you want to know a good exercise and living routine, watch nature. Animals chug water, eat what their teeth allow them to eat and exercise. If liberals think we are animals, they should know we need no different. If you are smarter, you would know that we’re meant to have dominion over the land and seas, the beasts and plants. We should consume and enjoy all of it.
So my caveman diet is rather simple.
1. Fire – Use fire to cook assortment of beef, chicken, veggies. Mix them up in any way you can imagine and eat it within reason. Every meal should be able to be bought whole and fresh and not require ordering from a special catalog to obtain it.
2. Utensils – Use knife, fork and plate to serve your food and stuff your face with it. Do not forget to cut up some fruits.
3. Water – There is nothing good about a chemical that can eat a penny being chugged by you and your kids. Stay away from pop and drink water. Throw in some milk and an occassional helping of juice.
4. Get off your lazy butt – Pretty self explanatory. 30 minutes of running around and preferably hunting your food or whatever is your vice per day will keep you fit.
5. Tell fad-dieters/vegans to get out – Shush your wife and throw away any/all evidence of fad diets in your home. They will always fail. The best lifestyle change is just to live naturally. Eat the foods you enjoy, keep the sweets moderate, drink mostly water and exercise.
Barring significant disease, our bodies do well without a bunch of nonsense medicines with more side effects that hurt than help and all these weird diets. Let’s be thankful for that and just be a bit more natural with our health. The results may surprise our country.