Is My Wife Cheating on Me?

Every year the incidence of divorce raises in America.  There was once a time when the nuclear family was as hard to split as an atom, but now, with the advent of technology that can allow two people to secretly communicate at all times, we see a dangerous trend in splitting of relationships.

A survey of over 70,000 participants reveal a man’s worst nightmare. No amount of years or bearing of children will cause a woman’s tendency to be more promiscous than her husband to be curbed. Note that even after 20 years of marriage, women are still far more prone to cheat on their husbands than vice-versa.

Women tend to be the weaker, more fickle link in a relationship and are more prone to cheating.  The Family Research Council reveals that most relationships end due to husbands feeling insecure about their wives flirtatious behavior and probable subtle flings with co-workers or ex-boyfriends.

A recent survey by MSNBC.com confirms such truth.  When over 70,000 people were polled, a dramatic difference between the fidelity of men and women was noted.  Popular culture and media would make it seem that husbands would tend to be more philandering, but behind the curtains of anonymity women are revealed to be more promiscuous.

Some of you men may have fallen into the trap of thinking a lavish wedding or having multiple kids over a decade can secure faithfulness in a relationship. Unfortunately, scientific statistics prove your logic wrong.

Women are typically cheating little vixens, no more trustworthy than the mother of sin — Eve — cheating with Satan in the Garden of Eden.

The new age daughters of Eve are sly and cunning, oft using various techniques to avoid giving off revealing whiffs of adultery to a detecting husband’s nose.    For this reason, it is prudent for any man who even slightly suspects that his wife is cheating to put her through a thorough, calculated battery of tests and observations, to ensure no infidelity is taking place.

While the 25 point primer is not foolproof, it can increase your chances of finding out if your wife has cheated on you.

 1.  She fails the Facebook Fidelity Litmus Test

Facebook is the modern poison apple in every would-be fairy tale marriage.  Did you know that every two out of five relationships that end do so because of Facebook?  The problem with Facebook is that it gives women what they love most:  attention.  And who is there to give it?  Ex-boyfriends.

Your wife will secretly take pictures of herself in the bathroom and in sexy outfits, then upload them to Facebook albums you’re too busy to see.  Her ex-boyfriends will lap their tongues and get all wild like a cat in heat, furiously clawing for a chance to get into her inbox by ‘poking’ at her until she responds.

They will like all her comments and keep secretly messaging her, without you knowing it.  Before long this nice behavior must be reconciled by a flesh-to-flesh meetup, and there is always a chance the flesh meeting will be more than saying ‘hi’ at a restaurant.  We’re talking a gonad-to-gonad meet-up, for old times sake.

Ex-boyfriends already know how to push your wife’s buttons, never forget that.  They’ve had experience in what it takes to get her into bed.  If your wife is on Facebook, know that she’s already had contact with her ex-boyfriends and they are trying to convince her to cheat on you.

The only method to ensure your wife is not a Facebook cheater is to employ a Facebook Fidelity Litmus Test.  Simply look through her photos and carefully notice who is ‘liking’ them.  You will note there will always be one guy or two who ‘like’ her sexiest pictures.  Steal that guy’s profile picture avatar and create a Facebook profile with his first initial and last name.

Make a friend request to your wife and when she accepts, say you needed a ‘secret account’ because your girlfriend was spying on your real one.  Keep making sweet with your wife on the fake account and when you think you have her cornered, ask her to have sex with you after a romantic dinner.  If she tries to make the meet-up, you know you’ve married a slut and now have court evidence for divorce proceedings.

 2.  Fails The Anal Compliance Test

Unless you are dating a porn star, your wife has not offered to let you play Pirate Winky’s magical backside cave adventure with her.  Not once in your relationship have the terms ‘jelly-slide’ or ‘ride the astroglide’ come into your relationship.  If you want to make sure you’re not dating a cheater, now’s the time to go to the naughty aisle in your local Ralph’s or Walmart and stock up on the oils usually reserved for our daintier counterparts (i.e., homosexuals, who already know their boyfriends/partners are probably wildly cheating).

To issue the anal compliance test, first woo your wife with a nice dinner and a string of pearls or diamonds if she is of higher tastes.  You can usually get pretty good deals at the mall this time of year due to holiday price pitches aimed at highschool daters. 

After dinner, have some wine and then tell her you have one more surprise for the night.  Tell her to prepare to back in reverse to “Pirate Winky’s plank” or something similar.  She will look confused at first, but when she sees you dousing your member with oily lubricants, she will get the picture.

If she seems enthusiastic or not too shocked by this, you have yourself a woman of colon-clenching experience.  If she’s never offered her backside to you before, especially during ‘that time of month’, but is now going along with everything you should be concerned.  If she tries to act aloof but is knowledgable or isn’t asking ‘What’s that?” about your lubricants, again, this should send up red flags.

 A proper, non-cheating wife will have an authentic reaction similar to this: 

Make sure those tears and facial blushing are authentic. 

3.  Sniff Her Dirty Laundry

Bedroom antics usually leave a lingering musk that’s not easily recognized until you step away from the scene of the crime.  An easy way to catch a cheating woman is to use simple forensic techniques upon her most intimate clothing.

If your wife is acting suspicious and insisting that she needs to ‘take a trip’ to see her auntie but without you, or is consistently coming home a bit too chipper after a long day of work, you have grounds to sniff her dirty laundry.

A cheating wife is usually coy and does not expect her husband to check through the laundry.  And this will be her undoing.

Refrain from sleeping with your wife as soon as you suspect she is seeing someone else.  Then, when she gets home, tell her she seems stressed and needs a good, long soak in the whirlpool.  As she takes the opportunity to wash away the scent of adultery from her body, go to the clothes hamper or grab her laundry from the bath.

Once you have her clothing in hand and she’s not in sight, an old forensic trick is to take a deep, telling whiff of the brasierre or especially panties.  If you smell anything outside a day’s work for a woman, a light crisp-linen powder with perhaps the slightest musk of sweat, you’re dealing with a cheater.  Any putrid odors, especially a crude mix of of three holes mixed into one, and you’ve got yourself a problem that needs settlement in divorce court.  Also be on alert for the scent of a man’s colonge or aftershave, which will also be present.

Confront your wife directly if you suspect you’ve caught the scent of scandalous relations and if she seems upset or disturbed by your findings, you’ve caught her red-handed.

4.  Has She Been Caught Watching Ellen?

A type of cheating that’s oft overlooked is lesbianism.  While it is easy to have nightmares about your wife spreading herself in deep, tearing passion as the tight, commanding arms of another man powerfully toss her down and overcomes her quivering body with a stiffening pleasure that only gives in at her moment of tightest ecstasy, it’s usually overlooked that she may be having a flick-tongued affair with a woman.

If you catch your wife watching Ellen on a holiday, laughing religiously and not missing a beat as the soft-faced, attractive bob-cut blonde from Matairie tells inside jokes that only a lesbian could really truly understand, you’ve likely a clamdabbling scampy on your hands.

If you’re fine with your wife having a woman-toy on the side, take no further action.  But know that over 70% lesbians usually enjoy three-ways and inviting a man into the mix.  This is great cause for concern and is also a great danger to your health.

5.  Sneaking glimpses of the racquet-boy at the tennis club.

Women tend to be bold about staring down the object of their desire.   If your wife truly wishes to cheat on you, she will blatantly take second and third glimpses at the next tight-barrel chested, sweaty male whose powerful thighs and exhausted grunts of frustration fill the proxy at your local sports complex.

Just keep eye contact with her and note how her eyes continually shift to see who is making all that powerful, needing noise.  If she looks more than twice, she’s already lusted in her heart and it is not much longer before she outright disrespects you in the bed of another man.

Every year, nearly 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce. As communication devices continually leave partners of a relationship with more chances to interact with flings from the past, the risks of your wife cheating on you increases. Has your wife’s clothing passed the sniff test?

6.  Lack of Jealousy

Women who cheat fail to get jealous.  Any married man can attest to the memory of a wife not being too different from an elephant.  Under normal circumstance, if you run into an ex-girlfriend on shopping night at the store, your wife will claim that for the next 30-years you are nothing but a philandering fool and will ask you about every detail “That Girlfriend” and what you did together when you dated as teenagers.

Such irrational infatuation is actually a sign of a devoted wife, as annoying as it may be.  When wives cheat, they lose that instinctive, animal-like possession complex that women should naturally have within.

You can tell your wife you’re going to meet-up with your sexy college girlfriend for the weekend, and she will say, “Fine, if that’s what you want to do, dear.”  She will smile and eagerly bid you to have a great time.

Dump the whore.  If a wife is ever anything but yelling, screaming and jealous of the thought of you with another woman, it’s because she’s having closed door negotiations with the One-Eyed Minister of Insemination of some other man.  Only a fool stays married to a non-jealous wife.

7.  Secretive lunch hours at her job

Calculate your wife’s work schedule and factor in what time she should be at lunch.  On a random day, call her phone during lunch time and see if she immediately answers.  If she fails to pick-up your call and when she gets home, or later in the day, claims she ‘must not have heard your call’, be suspicious.

Women who cheat like to silence their phones after the first or second ring, by instinct.  Your wife may try to play you by letting the phone freely ring through a full voice-mail cycle.  Do not be deterred.  Unless you are speaking to your wife on every lunch break that you call, she is hiding something from you and it’s likely a workplace lunchtime affair.

8.  Tired and groggy when you want sweet love at 2 am

If your wife has seemed disinterested in the bedroom for a long period of time, or is seeming to want to sleep more than usual, suspicion should be aroused.  A sudden change in female sleep schedule is always a sign of a woman keeping secrets.  To test her levels of exhaustion, one night wake your wife at around 2 am and ask her to simply lay on her side and make love to you.

If she nags, protests and makes a big deal of it before finally giving in, she’s cheating on you.  Remember, a healthy woman has the same carnal needs as a man, if not more.  A normal woman will revel and get excited at the prospect of unexpected night time surprises and will be eager to try out this healthy routine whenever it does come up.  Would you deny your beautiful wife waking you up to moist, deep pleasure at 2 am?  Thought so.

If she’s not reciprocating the excitement that thought brings to you, she’s cheating on you.  Her mind is already a thousand miles away from making you happy.

9.  Sudden interest in body and getting a gym membership

This item of detection is especially true for men who have been married for over five years, have a home with a mortgage and several children.  By this point in your life, your wife’s thin, impressive body has started to give in to age and fat.  It’s a natural cycle and you love your wife and family all the same.

But your wife may start to be irrational.  You will see her looking in the mirror, constantly sucking in her gut as she stands on her tip-toes to see how her backside looks in some jeans or even worse workout pants.  She will insist that you buy a family membership for the new local gym, where she will feverishly participate in aerobics, Tae-bo and perhaps even P90x or pilates at home.

The more firm your wife’s body gets, the more aloof and condemning she will become of your average yet attactive physique. She will poke fun at your belly, earned by long, hard days at the office and chugging coffee to only stay mentally alert enough to keep making the big bucks for your family.  She will care not what you sacrifice, only being consumed with outward appearances.

When your wife adopts this coy attitude and obsession with the superficial, she has become what you can call a homegrown homewrecker.  She’s wrecking her own house because she’s given into another compliment wielding man whose making her feel important with cheesy praises and attention, even though she was always important to you.

10.  Defensive over computer and asking how to use web camera

If you have teenagers, ask them if mom has recently asked them to install “Skype” or how to use a web camera.  If they say “Yes!”, calmly give them $20 and tell them the conversation never happened.  Your wife may even be bold enough to ask you to establish these things on her personal computer.

Skype may as well be the word for “I will strip for you when my husband is not around” because that is the only purpose the service stands for in this day and age.  Your wife is “Skyping” with men behind your back if she has a camera and a need to communicate with people from her past.  And eventually, they will tempt her to show off more of her body for attention.

To test if your wife has used her computer for wrong, simply come home at a time you’re usually not there and you’ll likely catch her on her computer.  Walk up to her quickly.  If she quickly shuts the laptop screen down or acts jittery, you’ve a computer tech stripper.  Ask to browse through her files and say “you need to check on something”.  She will be more defensive than OJ Simpson caught in a knife shop, trying to claim she’s not been riding any other’s man Bronco.

And that may be true, but she did strip and is on the long highway of adultery.  Again, dump her.

11.  Eating less food than normal

A woman who is eating far less than normal is:  on her first date; secretly pregnant and having daytime sickness; has an eating disorder; is having an affair.

Only models or girls on a first date take two bites of salad and exlaim, “Oh, I’m full.  No more!”  Or, women who are trying to slim up for a man who is not you.

When you first met your wife, you did cute little things like hold your gas within all night or sneak into the restroom after eating massive amounts of La Salsa mala, because that was just rude.  You would neatly spit out your toothpaste and be ashamed to ‘make stinky’ while your wife was in the shower.  That’s just wonderful.

But after a year of living together, you’re one of a kind.  Honking out atomic taunenbaums from the backside while whistling Dixie from the front.  You’ve no shame between you and that’s fine, it’s a part of marriage.  So when your wife is suddenly playing Annie Shovefinger with her throat, or just not eating like normal, know it’s not because she’s ashamed of how she looks to you.

She’s trying to slim down for another man and that’s not alright.

12. Wanting to drive the family car more, usually driving solo

A woman who claims she ‘needs a vacation’ and tells you she doesn’t want you to come along is usually hiding something from you.  Getting the truth about it out of her will be next to impossible, even if you bring in the entire forensic squad of Law and Order to strip search her car, phone and maybe even call in a few favors from Jack Bauer to interrogate the marriage betraying terrorist who has been masquerading as your wife.

The act of wanting to suddenly take a ‘lone time’ drive or vacation is enough for suspicion and definitely means you need to employ other techniques to see just how much cheating she did on her solo mission.  Rest assured, it takes two to tango and if your wife is going back to vacation in areas where she knows other men, she wasn’t playing lone ranger.

13.  Constantly texting on the phone and quickly silencing incoming calls when you’re around

Women are usually like little wizards when it comes to operating a cell phone.  While it takes a proper man at least 5 minutes to send out a paragraph of text, a woman can send over a dozen messages, organize her calendar and browse cute puppy videos on YouTube on her phone in the same amount of time.

If you’re in public and notice your wife’s phone is constantly buzzing and she’s either busily pushing buttons while ignoring you or not announcing to you, “Oh, it’s mom” or “Wow, Jane is having her baby tomorrow!”, you can bet she is speaking with a man of who you do not approve. 

The best way to find out what’s going on is if you think she’s doing illegal phone activity, wait until you catch her in the act and simply snatch the phone away.  She will flail and protest, but eventually you will find your way to the text screen while holding her off with one hand.  If you see an unfamiliar male’s name on there, that’s the culprit behind your pending divorce and wife’s affair.

14.  Develops stronger gut tolerance for alcohol

If your wife has been a habitual cheater, she’s been plied with alcohol.  For some reason men who know they are bedding another man’s wife will always insist on adding a bit of alcohol to their nighttime antics.  After a period of time, your wife’s alcohol tolerance will be almost as hearty as a seasoned Scottish hooligan at the World Cup finals.

To test her tolerance, make really frothy, girly drinks where alcohol content cannot be tasted.  Call up experience from your old collegiate days and really hammer the drink with a strong, powerful vodka or tequila.  If your wife is tearing through the drinks without much wear, she’s been getting snockered behind your back.  Alarm bells should ring and rest assured she’s swallowed the worm more than a few times.

15.  Suddenly infatuated with making pink crafty items seen on Martha Stewart

Women who cheat may start to have guilt and get a ‘need’ to feel in touch with their nurturing, feminine side.  They will turn to other women of questionable morals gilded under excessive womanly habits, such as Martha Stewart.  Stewart has a felon’s mind and tries to hide that fact by knitting cutesy quilt blankets and Berry Pink cake frostings.  Your wife will follow-suit.  If she suddenly starts becoming infatuated with baking confections or knitting things for you, there is a little morality cricket left in her to the point that she’s trying to relieve her guilt by chirping ‘I love you” on an excessive basis all while trying to be overly nice.  Beware her kindness because adultery is lurking about.

16.  Demands to have ‘Girl’s Night Out’ with women you have never seen or met before

“Girl’s Night Out” is usually bad news.  Rest assured that every time your wife goes out with unknown girls, two E.R. nurses, a former stripper and a divorced fag hag is involved.  They will drink alcohol, go to strip joints and invariably meet-up with other guys.  “What happens between girls stays between girls” they will say as Mr. Stripper Body is pounding his flesh between your wife’s flailed legs, as her friends cheer her on.  Just search around the internet on enough kink sites and you will find videos of “Cheating Wife with the Stripper”.  Just rest assured that one of those women will eventually be your wife, especially if she’s making a habit of hanging out with nurses.

17.  Excessive shopping at Kohl’s and Macy’s for new clothing, especially bras and silken knickers.

When was the last time you bought yourself a fresh pack of underwear?  If you can actually recall the day and it was not a holiday, you may want to question your own sexuality.  A man should keep his boxers until they literally wilt from his body from years of wear and tear.  It’s like a good belt, wallet or baseball glove:  boxers only get better and more comfortable with age.

The same is true for women’s clothing.  Why would a woman want to continually buy no bras or knickers, when she has mounds of perfectly good, thick and trusted underwear in her garment drawers.  Take careful analysis of your online bank statement and especially look for:  Victoria’s Secret, Macy’s, Kohls.   These stores sell specialized undergarments meant to ‘entice’ men, not just for comfort.

If you’re married, your beyond the need for enticement.  When you want pleasure, you strip and go for it.  There’s nothing magical that you need to specially unwrap, like you need to throw on Ruby Red slippers, survive tornados and finally meet the magical Wizard of Oz.  You simply line up and thrust until satisfaction is met.  These specialized undergarments, however, are made for the non-married.

The cute little heart shaped bra cups.  The silk panties.  They are all not things needed beyond a honeymoon, so if your wife is out shopping for new threads that look nice and you do not care for it, who else will?  That’s right.  She’s cheating on you.

18.  Legs are never hairy, even during her ‘time of the month’

Imagine that one day your boss walked into your office and said, “Hey, sport.  Great work!  You only need to shave once a week from now on.”  He then walked away.

You would count your blessings and shave on Monday, then grow your mane for a full week.  It would be great.  No razor burns, no rush shave jobs.  Just pure, natural grizzled pleasure as nature meant your face to be.

Women have the honor of not growing facial hair.  They only have to shave their legs once a week, at most, and as any married man knows women get pretty stubbly.

A woman who is cheating will always feel smoother than a Georgia peach.  She will have no stubble anywhere on her body, and I do mean anywhere.  She is keeping herself ultra-smooth every single day and the logic behind that is the same as you showing up in a tuxedo when your boss stated you could show up for work in your boxers and Riker-styled beard.  Women who excessively shave are usually doing so to impress another man.

19.  Becomes sudden spendthrift yet makes frequently small random ATM withdrawals for ‘pocket cash’

A cheating woman will use your money to lavish another man with gifts.  It may seem odd, but then again remember that a bearded Chaz Bono was competing on Dancing with the Stars and everyone just went with it.

With that said, women will buy age-appropriate gifts for their new ‘man’ and will try to outsmart you as they spend your money.  Look at the ATM withdrawals from your next account statement.  You will see $40 here and $30 there.  You will notice money is missing from your wallet.  Your wife will use ATM option to pay for groceries, so she can take out an extra $50 without you noticing it.

While the wife is doing this, she will try to buy off-brand items and cut back on house expenses so the gift money she’s doling out to her new boytoy won’t be immediately felt.  To catch her in the act, simply play sleep one night you hear her talking to someone softly on the phone.  Train your ears for the words “little gift” or “money”.    She will eventually have the boyfriend calling back to thank her, so just wait it out.  If you confront her by saying, “Why are you giving him the money!” and she acts surprised or very defensive, you know what’s going on.  You can imagine some of that money is going to buy them couple’s matching backhatch undies from Victoria’s Secret.

20.  Excessive trips to mall massage/nail shop for pedicure and spa time.

For men dealing with an aggressive, coy cheater, she will be high maintenance.  She will always have manicured nails and a loose back, so she can look like an authentic prostitute for her new boytoy.  Who in their right mind would pay $80 for a five-minute Asian massage?

If your wife’s fingers look like the gum-smacking, neck-swirling secretary at your local DMV, you’re either a character on a rerun episode of Martin and have married a woman named LaFawnda, or you’re dating a woman whose two steps away from being a classic Vegas Prostitute.  Or as they say in my neighborhood, a hussy.  Your wife is a cheater, call Dr. Phil because your marriage is not going to last longer than her next nail coat.

21.  Sending you Celine Dion songs that you never knew existed

If your wife ever sends you a YouTube or iTunes link to a Celine Dion (or any other feely music act like Coldplay, Natalie Umbruglia, George Michael), you have good news and bad news.

The bad news is that she is cheating on you.  Women who are being swooned by other men will send you music to convey their emotions.  They feel to guilty to talk to you, so will send you weird coded messages to indicate:

*I’m lonely and want to have sex with this other guy who can make me not lonely while you’re fighting for your country in Iraq

*I cannot stop having this affair even though I know it’s wrong for you and the kids.

*I’m like a bird, I’ll always fly away.  I don’t know where my home is, I don’t know where my soul is.  I don’t know anything but I’m gonna cheat on you.

You get the idea.  The good news is that if she’s reached the point of sending you songs to convey emotions, she’s already decided to move on and saved you the trouble.  Receiving YouTube affair confirmation songs are the modern day “We need to talk” at an Italian restauarant where a random college guy needing a buck is playing an overly expressive guitar or violin.

22.  She’s no longer as needy

Women can naturally be annoying and needy.  Just try to sit down to watch a nice football game or bust into your new Madden package and before long she will sit next to you, pecking your face with little fish nibbles and asking you the meaning of life.  You don’t know the answer to such questions, just like every other damned man just wanting to veg-out doesn’t know that answer.

The only man who did know the answer was crucified on a cross, so usually it’s a good idea to keep pontifications about the meaning of life to yourself, especially when a clawing woman is being very needy.  If you answer her questions, like a five year old on a long car ride, you’ll hear her say nothing but ‘Why?’ to every other thing you say after that.

The catch-22 is that when she stops being needy, she is not being a normal woman.  And an abnormal woman is usually one who is hiding a big, juicy secret from you.  Usually of the bedroom variety.  If a woman is constantly giving you unexpected man space and not wanting attention, rest assured she is getting that attention from somewhere else.

23.  She is vague and secretive when you ask about her friends and whereabouts

If you have caught your wife talking to an ex-boyfriend or know she’s been hanging out at places you would find upsetting, directly ask her about it.  An honest woman will immediately say, “I met up with Stevie and I’m sorry.”  That’s a fair answer and can be handled accordingly.  A cheater will say, “I don’t remember.” or even better, “What, I’ve not been hanging out with anyone!”, which is a bold-faced lie.  Those are simple questions from you and being met-up with monumental lies.  The only reason a woman would do that is if she’s been doing the horizontal polka with some man’s pipe organ and trying to keep it hush-hush from you.  Selective amnesia is a cute ploy in Hollywood movies, but in real life it means she’s just not wanting to tell you she’s a cheater.

24.  Her woman’s anger is silenced

At bare minimum, a woman should be angry 25% of the time that you know her.  Anything below that minimum critical value means her natural fury is being silenced by guilt.

In marriage, a husband is pretty much like a dog.  The woman will put you through all types of nonsense, dressing you up in clothing you don’t find cute and at times being downright mean and abusive to you.  Yet, you keep coming back for more and cannot do anything but help to love her.

Yet even after all that loyalty, she will yell at you for the smallest things.   You left crumbs on the kitchen counter.  Your hair stubble dared not fully disappear from the bathroom sink.  You didn’t vaccuum the bedroom twice last week.  These are natural things for a woman to blow out of proportion, but one day, it may all stop.  She will smile when she sees you shaving your beard for work on Monday morning.  She will think it’s cute that you cannot make a bowl of pasta without using over 6 pots, 9 utensils and spreading Ragu sauce all over the woodwork.  And that’s just not right.

It’s like that scene from The Addam’s Family when they forced Wednesday to smile.  Something ominous is lurking in the mind of a female when she smiles at you at a wrong time.  She’s plotting.

25.  She compliments you even when you’re fat, stinky and watching the football game while the fence is unpainted

If you been trodden down with long work schedules and just need a break one day, basking in the musk of manliness earned only by the hardest work and devotion to your family, and you find yourself parked in front of your new TV with a beer in one hand, remote in the other and steak on the grill, big belly happily hanging free from under your robe, and the wife just compliments you for no reason at all, saying you’re “like Johnny Depp” or “Brad Pitt”, crank up the BS machine because pop goes some major crap out of her mouth.

An overcomplimenting wife is trying to trick you into blase compliance.  She’s whoring on you behind your back if she is actually complimenting you without nagging you.  If her name is not June Cleaver, she’s just not going to be that perfect.