• Ron Paul: “Let’s get high and do terrorism”

    November 26, 2011 9:33 pm 27 comments
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    Presidential “candidate” and Republican wanna-be Ron “Natty-Lite” Paul has gained a substantial following since the beginning of the 2012 race. His liberty-based opinions and honest persona have attracted support from all types of Americans. However, is his platform a sincere array of ideas, or rather the will of Satan himself?

    The first example of Dr. Paul’s devotion to the dark lord can be found in his drug policy. Paul, being the leader of a well-known Colombian drug cartel, pushes for the legalization of all drugs and the end of the drug war. This senseless ideology is but a means to attain his ultimate goal of creating a society of drug addict children and reenacting the video game “Bioshock,” a popular craft of Satan. At this point, he will take advantage of the inebriated children and use them to build innumerable shrines to the Devil, finally achieving the liberal goal of converting our Christian nation to one of Satan.

    “I love heroin. It’s so chill.” -Ron Paul

    It’s a scientific known fact that marijuana users do nothing but have unprotected sex and slowly kill themselves through the use of the devil-plant. However, Ron Paul’s policy would ENCOURAGE the use of marijuana and make sure that everyone was constantly having promiscuous relations. Do you want to be raped? I didn’t think so.

    I can’t know for sure, but here’s what a society under the Paulocracy would probably be like:

    Mom: Hey son, I’m going to shoot up some heroin and go burn a church.
    Son: Okay, I’m just going to sit here and worship Al Qaeda. Hail Satan!
    Mom: Good. What are you doing, honey?
    Dad: Oh, I’m just sitting here masturbating to gay pornography and watching “Loose Change.” I hate democracy.

    “I would totally like [Ron Paul to win] because [I could get my heroin easily].” -Heroin Addict

    Paul’s flaws do not end in his drunken dreams. His foreign policy is one of isolationism. For those of you unfamiliar with isolationism, it is the state of closing the borders and pretending you do not exist. You turn off all of your phones and when other nations call you, you set your answering machine to tell them that you’re out for a little bit and you’ll call them back soon. But you won’t. You’re too busy smoking crack.

    Not only will this ridiculous policy ensure that we no longer get quality products from our yellow friends in the east, but it will, without a doubt, ensure the triumph of the terrorists. The terrorists will win. That’s as bad as having a socialist in power. Oh, wait.

    In a recent poll, 70% of Muslims said that they would support Ron Paul. The other 30% did some sort of funny talk that totally freaked me out. From this, a very clear conclusion can be drawn. Terrorists love Ron Paul.

    “Allack hubba sabba lakkaa dooba!” -Terroristy Muslim Guy (Pretty sure he was talking about Ron Paul)

    Ron Paul also advocates the end of the Federal Reserve. I’m not a political Eismenstein, but I’m pretty sure that that means he wants to end the government. If the Soviet Union only taught us one thing, it was that anarchy doesn’t work! Here, Paul shows a blatant disregard for history.

    It’s clear that a vote for voodoo Dr. Paul is a vote for the anti-Christ. If you’re not totally convinced that a vote for the crazy conspiracy theorist Ron “In-The-Back” Paul will bring about the end of our glorious theocracy, then may God have mercy of your soul.

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