THE CHRISTIAN GUIDE TO NOT BEING MISTAKEN FOR A HOMOSEXUAL, PT. 1
It seems that some people think I have repressed homosexual tendencies. This is not true. I am attracted to Jesus and to Christianity and to Morality and nothing else. I suspect it is because I am slender, young and attractive, and that is a favored type of the obsessive compulsive athletic homosexual. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, so I will be discussing in this article and the next cautionary measures I am taking so that people stop mistaking me for a somdomite.
No clothing articles over 100$
Homosexuals dominate the fashion industry the same way they dominate h*ll, with an iron, limp-wristed, manicured fist. Because of this I must be very aware of the clothes I wear. When I wear expensive clothes I send the homosexuals a message of endearment, because it means that I am one of them. Gone are the days of Seven jeans, now are the days of Wrangler. Gone are the days of Lacoste, now are the days of Target. As a heterosexual, I will only buy inexpensive and heterosexual clothing that will not deceive the homosexuals into thinking that I am one of them.
No going to the gym
Showers are special places for me and only me, since Jesus is already clean and pure. In gyms, Men shower with other Men, proof of the homogay agenda invading spaces of exercise. The following forms of exercise I have deemed Christian-friendly: Football, bowling, walking, and fornication with one’s wife while conceiving. All other forms of exercise are for satanfairies and women, none of which I am. In gyms, there are many Men showing off their lean, chiseled, muscular bodies, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I will now only exercise in the previously listed methods, although I may only engage in the last one once a year because I don’t like it.
No female friends
It is a well-known and proven fact that satan’s little helpers, the homosexuals, are prone to having female friends. In verse 4:18 of Deuteronomy it states that “a Man may only be companions with other Men, as a woman is inferior in the presence of a Man”, a rule most phallic glitter demon-monkeys defy. Women are your subordinates. Your friends must be other Men, because every time you have a mutually supportive conversation with a woman, Jesus cries tears of vomit.
Do not get a pet cat
Cats are by far the most homosexual animals apart from dolphins, but fortunately one can not have a dolphin as a pet. Unfortunately, the meticulous and anal cat can, controlling the life of many a woman and winkle dandy. Many lonely, effete, depressed and mentally insane inferiors collect these sinister felines, and it is an animal to be avoided by all Christian Men. I will be ensuring that the only pet I have is a Christian Golden Receiver dog.
STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO!
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Christopher Christenson
Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.
You could have repressed homosexual tendencies. Your extreme homophobia could be a result of your repressed tendencies. Some people are so ashamed of the deep down knowledge of their homosexual nature that they are overly homophobic to compensate. Also homophobic comments can be used as a method of disguising homosexual tendencies. Times aren’t desperate and therefore desperate measures are not needed.
No clothing articles over $100
Right so as I am British that’s about £63. So as a suit (and we are talking pretty basic not top range designer here) is over that I can’t buy one and not be gay? That is not true. Also it is not true that expensive clothing makes yo gay or straight. My gay mate wears really cheap clothes and my straight mate wears expensive clothing. Neither is taken as gay or straight on their clothing choice. You send no real message about your sexual orientation with relation to the price of clothing.
Not Going to the Gym
Calling a shower a “special place” for you sounds suspicious. There are only 4 ways of exercising that is appropriate? That is a lot of rubbish. Nothing bad about gyms plus you do realise that you don’t HAVE to shower there? You can go back to your own little “special place” to shower. For someone who doesn’t like men you go into great detail over your idea of a typical gym-goer. Also the fact that you say it makes you feel uncomfortable suggests you are ashamed of something. Also not liking sex with your wife? Are you sure you like women? Helpful hint whilst trying to prove your heterosexuality, don’t mention how you dislike having sex with your wife. Disproves your heterosexuality that.
No female friends
It is also well-known and well proven fact that heterosexuals have female friends. It is accepted for a straight man and a woman to be friends. In fact seems weird and comes across as slightly sexist at times. The only time people begin to suspect anything is when the number of female friends greatly outnumber the number of male friends. Women are not inferior to men, just different. Jesus wouldn’t really care if you had a mutually supportive conversation with a woman, he did it all the time.
Do not get a pet cat
Cats are not evil. Cats are not homosexual. They may come across as snobbish and selfish at times but that is because they are independent. I have had cats as pets in the past and, although I am and always will be a dog person and firmly believe a dog makes a house a home, I would not say no to owning a cat in the future. This doesn’t make me mentally ill or homosexual. I am neither.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Jonny,
These writers don’t necessarily believe the things they write. They know the truth to use it to get everyone worked up and shock people to generate activity on this site to drive advertisement revenue ,and possibly, to deliberately drive people away form God.
Can you say that these are really Christ filled men and women that love God and want to lead others to Christ? I certainly do not see anything like that here. They do not fear God or else they would be very careful to make sure that the things they publish would bring others to Christ and not push them away.
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Well aware they are not truly Christian. Never stated they were. Just pointed out flaws in the article without stating if the author agrees or not.
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Are you for real? like. Seriously. Sadly, this is your demographic. Idiotic christians will believe anything that has god stamped on it. You need to open your mind. Shut your lips and learn.
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I am almost completely sure that this is satirical.
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As am I. Everything I have found on the owners of the site states so. However it also states that the true identity of a number of authors are unknown to the site owners and therefore may believe the site to be genuine. Also the site owners have stated “genuine” articles have managed to be published by people who agree with the views expressed.
Also it is just funnier and more interesting to reply as if it was genuine.
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Great article my brother in Christ! I especially agree with you about the cat part! Cats are the agents of Satan and not part of our Lord’s original creation. Every Godly heterosexual man stands the risk of falling for the “cuteness” of a cat (much like they are prone to fall for the “hotness” of a succubus while they are in fact demons), in turn turning ‘em into a flaming homogays who shout effeminate dung like “Ahhhowww. Look at the cute lil kitteh! Who’s the cute lil kitteh poo?! You a cute lil muggins no no no?”. Exactly what Satan wants. If you see a cat, kill it. I might hate the Godless Chinese commies but I think they got a point when it comes to dem cats. Just don’t eat it afterwards. Our lord would not approve of eating animals that are not pure..
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Bob
You sir are a cruel xenophobic excuse for a person. Animal cruelty is just wrong. You can’t kill everything you don’t like because you dislike it.
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He is curl but not for that. He is curl because he sat down and came up with this verbal vomit to get your reaction. He made this whole comment up to help support the agenda of this site.
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Still encouragement of animal cruelty has to be stopped.
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while this weirdo know barley Nothing about china ( actually Cat is to amsterdam not In china China is dog and it’s a delicacies in one or 2 restaurnat in south china
therefore you just show how ignorant and stupid you are Mister Bob
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Stereotypes are generally false and most likely most of the homosexual community does not act in such a manner as you describe them. Satan accepts not the weak anyhow, and if they are, they are thrown in a different circle of the oblivion and we send out our best legion frontiers out upon the living.
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fuck you! asshole! What is ur problem! What are you snorting or smoking?! U need a damn spaking for this shit.
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Bob, I love you, your comment made laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. But seriously, the only one who has the right to judge is God himself not one of his stupid creatures who misinterpret his words.
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What I got out of this is that you are homosexual, but refuse to accept it.
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That is what I got from this article as well.
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All though this may or may not be true, there intent is to provoke your response. Think about cause and effect. What do you think their true agenda is? Do you really think that is is to defend what they believe to be truth. Think about what their true agenda might be. Make sure that they are not pushing your buttons in order to get exactly what they want to get from you. Content for their site.
I seriously thought about if it is wrong for me to post anything and risk driving more traffic to their site. I am still praying about it. One thing I do know is that I will daily pray that God would execute his judgement against them and stop them from leading the lost away from the Father.
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poes law my friend poes law on the other side i find this site to be a good laugh and take non of it seriusly
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It’s okay to be gay; we’ll accept you anyway. Seriously though, come out of the closet already. This is already such a ridiculous site and should be censored for indecent language. I happen to be a christian and I don’t appreciate sites like this giving us a bad name. To any non-Christians reading this– “Not all Christians express the extreme levels of hate that this site promotes.”
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These are wonderful guidelines and all good Christian men should strive to live by these simple rules.
No decent, God fearing man should own a cat, walk around in haughty, expensive clothes or allow a woman to express herself freely as an equal in a friendship scenario.
PTL!
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I agree, excellent article!
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“The following forms of exercise I have deemed Christian-friendly: Football, bowling, walking, and fornication with one’s wife while conceiving.”
“I will now only exercise in the previously listed methods, although I may only engage in the last one once a year because I don’t like it.”
Marcus Bachmann is that you? I knew you wrote for this site. You really should give it to Michelle more than once per year, maybe it will make her appear less manly.
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I get from this that you might be gay and don’t accept urself…and news flash guy…this is a very offensive article…your goin to hell
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Bless the Lord for your article! I just finished disposing the devilish carcasses of Booby and Fufy. I didn’t realize I was so close to become a homo! Alleluia and thank you again for saving our family!
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You sound very gay especially when you were describing the men that go to the gym.
Its sad that your religion makes into a homophobic closeted gay like that.
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Bass
Did you catch the part where he said he doesn’t like sex with his wife?. For me that just confirmed it.
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Preach on, Brother!
It’s certainly Good News to read that the only man you’ll get down on your knees for is Jesus. May The Lord shower you with his Golden Holy Water.
You might want to extend your hobbies a bit. Being only attracted to those things you mentioned in your article will almost certainly lead to the wide path as you get older.
Try carpentry. It’s Jesus certified. The ‘J-Man’(that’s how Jesus wishes me to address Him..as I have a personal relationship with Him) wasn’t such a great carpenter*, but you might be.
*Contrary to scripture, Jesus wasn’t nailed to the cross, but J. Escariot(Jew) was holding the instructions for a kite upside down which inadvertently lead to the greatest miracle in the history of the universe!
YBIC,
L&F
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What about politicians, professors, philanthropists, etc. who wear expensive clothing?
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Mr. Spatchcock,
Why do you ask questions of which you already know the answers to..it’s a rhetorically feeble foil.
Unless they’re women, they run the risk of being nailed in the rump the next time they’re showering at the country club. In fact, this could well be the real reason for the metrosexual clothing tags. They may even harbor desires – conscious or not – of this very act being foisted upon them.
Praising His Holy Name!
YBIC,
X-Cert
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Sorry to respond almost 12 hours later. Anyway, where did you come from? I was expecting one of the writers or another fanatic to say something idiotic in the name of God, as they always do. So congradulations for saying something intelligent, I don’t expect that from any other person protecting this site.
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It’s 8:36. Don’t know why it says 2:32.
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Football? Heterosexual? Really?
Too funny. Just like I told Billings about a month ago, Football is one of the most homoerotic sports out there. “Think about it. All those hot and sweaty men running around in their long, tight underwear and those shoulder pads (although that is so 1990s.) Now think about the concept of the game for just a moment. One guy is bent over and another comes up from behind just to take the center’s ball in to his hands. He passes said center’s ball on to another player. We all know the person with the ball, granted he’s running away from everyone else, secretly wants all 11 members of the opposing team (and some from his own) to jump on him. And those same 11 members of the opposing team are trying to cop a feel of the ball. They are all wearing cleats so they can really dig in deep.
Now lets think of the positions of the players. You know what I’m talking about: center – the attention whore who who wants his ball fondled by other men. Then we have the quarterback which is just code speak for bareback. There are the tight ends and wide receivers – no explanation needed. Of course, the corner backs, middle and outside linebackers, well they are pretty much in collusion with the quarterback and really want to get in on that bareback action.”
And if that isn’t enough for you Mr. Christenson, just take a look at some of the pictures I posted for Mr. Billings.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_rDDbozDHJ0A/SqzuR5qUEMI/AAAAAAAAAnI/AUEX-zITVZE/s400/Homoerotic+Imagery+of+Football.jpg
http://www.murderati.com/storage/football-ballet_746513n.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1303839378085
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000190325/polls_21010_1800_352256_poll_xlarge.jpeg
http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/125566/125566,1190032136,3/stock-photo-football-center-hiking-the-ball-5409457.jpg
Let me know if you’d like more evidence. There are tons of photos like this that will back up my claim. After all, what happens on the field, surely must follow suit in the locker room.
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Seriously? Since when does this site have moderation?
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STUPID SITE!
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Ok, But they are not really pushing animal cruelty. It is only a button for them to get your response. They desire the content that there comments generate.
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POINTS YOU MAKE IN THIS ARTICLE THAT MAKE YOU SOUND GAY:
“Gone are the days of Seven jeans, now are the days of Wrangler. Gone are the days of Lacoste, now are the days of Target.” You know what Seven Jeans and Lacoste are?
“Showers are special places for me and only me[.]” Do you like showers because you can jerk off to inappropriate thoughts of men while crying and people won’t notice?
“I will now only exercise in the previously listed methods, although I may only engage in the last one once a year because I don’t like it.” This one doesn’t even need an explanation. For future reference: refrain from saying you don’t like having sex with your wife when you’re trying to disprove your (blatant) homosexuality.
“Your friends must be other Men, because every time you have a mutually supportive conversation with a woman, Jesus cries tears of vomit.” The only problem with having only male companions is that you can’t tell who’s gay or not these days! You never know when the Devil’s trying to deceive you and actually seduce you into a hotel room where the two of you promise to never tell your wives about this!
“I will be ensuring that the only pet I have is a Christian Golden Receiver dog.” It’s a Golden RETRIEVER.
come on outta there!
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Lol! Best parody I’ve ever read.
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I don’t agree with you that having all the above mentioned points make you feel that somebody is homosexual.
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This article is amazing and should be an example for all those who don’t want to be ensnared by the homogays and their semen covered web of lies. This website is a sword of truth into the face of the gay agenda.
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I don’t know what’s funnier…this article or the idiots commenting that get so outraged because they think it’s serious.
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It is funnier to reply to these articles ass genuine
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*as
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Also there have been, on occasion, articles written by those that genuinely believe what they “report”. Also according to the articles I have seen on the subject, the people who run the site have admitted that they don’t know the identity of certain authors and it is possible that those authors are the genuine thing.
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Like an alcoholic who goes out of his way to avoid the bars and liquor stores.
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So far, this looks like a guide to not getting laid… ever. But then… you can’t be gay if you don’t get laid. So… bravo!
More for me.
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Billings is that You please get out of the closet … seriously
seriously going to a Job Interview in a Big company you need a nice suit who cost around 100 and more
second I rarely been to Gym but we don’t become gay because we see other men training out there ? if you are not attracted to those men you won’t be uncomfortable actually you won,t care
third. I have many friend Male and female and thats is what we call real relationship even if my Female friend Outnumber male one I’m not Gay ( far from it actually )
because Being friend with a woman at first you cna become Much more aquainted and be much more closer and you know the rest
4th actually Cat are God animal they can’t be satan One since they actually Protect Us from Demon surely why You hate cat You are scared of them because you are demon
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Un Cristiano para empezar, no estaría comulgando en ninguna Iglesia actual, porque conocería la Palabra, y sabría a la perfección que la iglesia actual es dominada por el anticristo. Me parece una estupidez muy obscura preocuparse por si alguien varón se hace dar por el culo, o mujer prefiere las tetas y el clítoris de su amanmte. En mnomentos en que el mundo parece estar a punto de estallar. No sean tan “Sacerdotes” ambos bandos. Sigan a alguien inteligente en Facebook si no les gustan los libros y las verdades leídas.
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A Christian not concurring in current church, because knowing the word, and would know perfectly that the current church is dominated by the Antichrist. Seems very obscure nonsense worry if someone male is giving up the ass, or women prefer the tits and the clitoris of his girlfriend. At a time when the world seems to be about to explode. Both sides are not as “priests”. Follow someone smart on Facebook if you don’t like the books and read truths.
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Tal vez deberían discutir juntos como salvar el planeta de la carnicería anticristiana que apoyan.
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Bien, en google+ también vale.
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Deuteronomy 4:18 says Or like any creature that moves along the ground or and fish in the waters below. I honestly don’t know if this guy just doesn’t know his Bible or he used a verse from Deuteronomy because not that many Christians know it. I’m officially off of this sight, its causing me to have bad, hateful thoughts about the people who run it and that is not the right thing for my christian walk. i encourage all of you to not listen to ANYTHING that this sight says. If you want to know more about real Christianity, read the bible and get plugged into a GOOD church. (hint: if any of the people on this sight go to that church its probably not a good church)
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No se como se atreven a juzgar en este momento.
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I just looked in my KJV 1611 Bible, and It did not say anything about not being friends with women at all! Nothing of the matter! So why not shut your mouth! And a pet cat does NOT make you gay! Like I said you are a bunch of freaks!
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Since you decided to moderate out my comment, I figured I’ll just repost it until you accept it.
You refer to Football as being a heterosexual sport. I disagree. Here is what I wrote to Billings about a month back. “Think about it. All those hot and sweaty men running around in their long, tight underwear and those shoulder pads (although that is so 1990s.)
Now think about the concept of the game for just a moment. One guy is bent over and another comes up from behind just to take the center’s ball in to his hands. He passes said center’s ball on to another player. We all know the person with the ball, granted he’s running away from everyone else, secretly wants all 11 members of the opposing team (and some from his own) to jump his bones. And those same 11 members of the opposing team are trying to cop a feel of the ball. They are all wearing cleats so they can really dig in deep.
Lets now look at the names of the positions of the players. You know what I’m talking about: center – the attention whore who who wants his ball fondled by other men. Then we have the quarterback which is just code speak for bareback. There are the tight ends and wide receivers – no explanation needed. Of course, the corner backs, middle and outside linebackers, well they are pretty much in collusion with the quarterback and really want to get in on that bareback action.”
Don’t believe me? Take a look at some of these:
http://www.fantasyfootballchallenge.com/images/player_photos/ravens-center-matt-birk-prepares-to-snap-ball-to-quarterback-joe-flacco.jpg
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These homos are always recruiting and converting. It is a blessing to see a fine young Christian man who is educated on the dangerous and slippery ways of this perverted life style choice.
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*laughs* i love how this is a joke site, and then there are some people in the comments who actually strongly agree.
thats hilarious, im sorry.
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