• THE CHRISTIAN GUIDE TO NOT BEING MISTAKEN FOR A HOMOSEXUAL, PT. 1

    November 12, 2011 8:39 pm 56 comments

    It seems that some people think I have repressed homosexual tendencies. This is not true. I am attracted to Jesus and to Christianity and to Morality and nothing else. I suspect it is because I am slender, young and attractive, and that is a favored type of the obsessive compulsive athletic homosexual. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, so I will be discussing in this article and the next cautionary measures I am taking so that people stop mistaking me for a somdomite.

    No clothing articles over 100$

    Look at all the sinister, meticulous homosexuals. Absolutely nauseating.

    Homosexuals dominate the fashion industry the same way they dominate h*ll, with an iron, limp-wristed, manicured fist. Because of this I must be very aware of the clothes I wear. When I wear expensive clothes I send the homosexuals a message of endearment, because it means that I am one of them. Gone are the days of Seven jeans, now are the days of Wrangler. Gone are the days of Lacoste, now are the days of Target. As a heterosexual, I will only buy inexpensive and heterosexual clothing that will not deceive the homosexuals into thinking that I am one of them.

    No going to the gym

    Packets of sin on that man's stomach. Repulsive. That is all.

    Showers are special places for me and only me, since Jesus is already clean and pure. In gyms, Men shower with other Men, proof of the homogay agenda invading spaces of exercise. The following forms of exercise I have deemed Christian-friendly: Football, bowling, walking, and fornication with one’s wife while conceiving. All other forms of exercise are for satanfairies and women, none of which I am. In gyms, there are many Men showing off their lean, chiseled, muscular bodies, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I will now only exercise in the previously listed methods, although I may only engage in the last one once a year because I don’t like it.

    No female friends

    The sight of the co-ed conversation is almost as terrifying as that woman's overweight legs.

    It is a well-known and proven fact that satan’s little helpers, the homosexuals, are prone to having female friends. In verse 4:18 of Deuteronomy it states that “a Man may only be companions with other Men, as a woman is inferior in the presence of a Man”, a rule most phallic glitter demon-monkeys defy. Women are your subordinates. Your friends must be other Men, because every time you have a mutually supportive conversation with a woman, Jesus cries tears of vomit.

    Do not get a pet cat

    Do not look it in the eyes. I repeat, do not look at it in the eyes.

    Cats are by far the most homosexual animals apart from dolphins, but fortunately one can not have a dolphin as a pet. Unfortunately, the meticulous and anal cat can, controlling the life of many a woman and winkle dandy. Many lonely, effete, depressed and mentally insane inferiors collect these sinister felines, and it is an animal to be avoided by all Christian Men. I will be ensuring that the only pet I have is a Christian Golden Receiver dog.

    STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO!

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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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