• THE CHRISTIAN GUIDE TO NOT BEING MISTAKEN FOR A HOMOSEXUAL, PT. 2

    November 14, 2011 7:26 pm 22 comments

    It seems that even though I explained very explicitly and blatantly that I AM A CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL AND ALWAYS HAVE AND WILL BE, some still have a hard time believing so because I still seem too effeminate to not be. I can assure you all that, indeed, there is no homosexuality in my blood, and that any innuendos I may make are completely unintentional. That being said, in this article I will list more preventative methods I am taking to assert my Morality.

    No historical fiction shows or movies

    History was a series of mistakes, particularly mistakes of dress. Now I want you to look at the picture above. This is of the House actor Hugh Lauren on the british television show Blackadder. Blackadder is about Mr. Bean and Dr. House during different periods of British time. Look at how the actor is dressed. That is the single most homosexual outfit I’ve ever seen. Every historical show/movie is the same. Attractive, tall, slender Men dressed in tight, overly formal and flamboyantly colored outfits. Just look at anything that takes place in the renaissance for proof, e.g. Shakespeare in Love, Marie Antoinette, a Midsummer Night’s Dream, Romeo and Juliet, the Da Vinci Code, etc. Even later. Look at Finding Neverland. The main character is a pedophile played by Johnny Depp in the 1900s, and every character wears dapper, obnoxiously formal clothing constantly while twinkling faerie music plays. Only in recent times have Men learned to dress like Men, which is refreshing, yet Hollywood seems to continue to spew out these effete, elegant Men for objectification. Disgusting.

    No woman Cars

    In an episode of Hannah Montana starring the failed Christian, Myley Cyrus, her Brother get’s a car, but it is a girl car, which her Dad proceeds to parody and vilify, a fitting reaction to a car not assigned to one’s gender. I recently realized that my Volkswagen Beetle is indeed a homosexual car, because it is German and Germany is in Europe. Also, a Volkswagen Beetle looks like a ball. What have I done to fix this predicament? I sold my car. What did I replace it with? A TRUE, AMERICAN MAN CAR, THE FORD F-650. Truly a fine and wise decision.

    One Book Per Month, And It Must Be By Hemingway

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    Fact-most authors are effeminate homosexuals. Truman Capote, William Shakespeare, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Stephen King, Isaac Asimov, George Orwell, Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, James Joyce, Herman Melville, etc. The only author who isn’t a certified homosexual is Ernest Hemingway, the most Manly Man of all time except for Jesus. Writing is a passive pastime, and one that does not require interaction with women. Male authors tend to consult other Male authors, while woman authors consult other woman authors, so writing is a constant cycle of somdomy. Hemingway, in a way, is the refreshing and subversive and Moral author our earth has been yearning for. Hemingway is a True American Man. Earnest Hemingway is a Man with true Heterosexuality, best exemplified by his many mystical adventures. He writes with a beautiful, minimalist prose, one which does not have does not have flowery nothings, *cough* F. Scott Fitzgerald *cough*, but True Masculine passages of might. Because of this deficit in Heterosexual books, however, I have to resort to only reading one a month. This way, I can truly savor my Hemingway.

    STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL PART, PART 3!

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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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