• You Slobs Sitting Around Waiting for the Rapture? IT ALREADY HAPPENED! YOU MISSED IT!

    November 2, 2011 7:53 pm 3 comments

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    Dear Editor of Christwire:

    Remember the other Friday when everyone was sitting around joking about the Rapture? Like, “wow, dude! Today’s the Rapture! Let’s get drunk!” Now, me and my buddies didn’t believe any of that bullshit, but it was as good a reason as any to go out and get drunk.

    Well, the rapture HAPPENED, dude! And there’s only me and a few of my buddies that got raptured! And we didn’t even BELIEVE in this crap!

    We were in the process of knocking off a liquor store, Jimmy wanted to give the little Korean dude behind the counter a little “tune up,” and just before he could hop across the counter, the cops busted in. “Everybody freeze,” one shouted. So, I made for the ice cream freezer. But I felt a hand on the back of my collar and a sharp knock on the back of my head.

    All of a sudden, everything went black, except for this bright light. And I felt like I was floating. When I came to, I was in a room with Jimmy and Stew Meat and Biff. “What time did we bump off that store,” Stew Meat asked? Jimmy told him it was 6 o’clock.

    “Six o’clock? Friday night? October 21?” I gasped. “Jesus H. Christ! We’ve been RAPTURED, dudes!”

    And there was nobody else there! Not even that wrinkly ass Harold Camping who’s always on that radio station my gramma used to listen to before I stole her radio. He’s the dick snot who predicted this freakin’ rapture in the first place and he got freakin’ LEFT BEHIND!

    Hee hee hee!

    This room they got us in must be some sort of waiting room they keep you in before you actually get into Heaven. It’s kinda dark and smells like piss and puke. But we figger that’s just so we’ll appreciate Heaven more when we get in.

    Oh, there’s an angel heading toward us right now. This could be it.

    And angels? NOTHING like they used to show in church. No halos. No wings. They wear, like, cop uniforms. I guess they’re in charge of security or some shit.

    The angel is unlocking the door and calling my name. Must be time to get orientation or something like that.

    Hey! I even get a pair of silver bracelets! How fuckin’ sweet.

    Stay cool, Earth dudes. I’ll write more after orientation.

    Petey

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