• Angry God Smashes Tectonic Plates, Creates 6.5 Magnitude Earthquake in Mexico

    December 11, 2011 4:43 am 8 comments


    God angrily weighed in on the issues of illegal Mexican immigrations and drug sales only minutes ago, snapping his fingers and causing a mighty 6.5 earthquake to destroy the Mexican cities of Acapulco and Mexico City!

    Local reports detail that women and children run loose on the streets, flailing their arms and screaming in confusion.  Firefighters try to battle great pluming clouds of smoke created by giant, adobe clay melting fires that scorch through the city.  Many men cannot find their families and are crying out to heaven, yelling “Ayudame Dios!” and not knowing that God does not speak the lazy dirt tongue of Mexican!

    As daylight hits Mexico, scores of youths continue to wildly run through the ruined cities with goals of reaching the American border.

    President Ronald Reagan warned Mexico that this day would come.  All Mexicans were to be out of our country in 1986!  President George W. Bush warned the Mexicans to stop waisting our aide money on selfish pleasures and for officials to use American’s wealth to fight their war on drugs.  But they failed!  Now, God has unleashed!

    27-year-old cilantro gardener Felipe del Hidalgo dramatically weeps outside his burning adobe home, the orange embers of the fire burning away his family's collection of trinkets, tortillas and other 3rd world treasures. Hidalgo confessed that only days before, he and his family had planned to sneak into America to try to start a new life. But it looks like God sent him and his family a preemptive strike and they shall not be able to go anywhere.

    27-year-old potential illegal and cilantro gardener Felipe del Hidalgo awoke at approximately 1:18am to a great horor!  He reported to a news translator ‘the ground was shaking, ‘like the chupacabra had mounted an angry bull elephant!  I was so scared I put on my Mayan ritual beads in case we needed to pray.  But nothing works.  Our life is in flames!  We can never come to America now!”

    The National Weather Service states this earthquake was a glorious 6.5 magnitude.  While this number is surely great, rest assured that this was a little side show number of God!  This was not even a sneeze of the mighty atchooo! he can give to blow every single one of these la cucaracha luchador leeches off the face of the Earth!

    Mexico National Emergency Services reported that the mighty Earthquake was felt across 9 states, terrifying millions of Mexicans.

    While there is no total for carnage in all the chaos, the streets of the two main cities hit by this quake are littered with clothing, tamales and brown, murky water.  Families are visibly crying, women hugging each other and wondering why they forced God to bring this punishment upon them.

    In th Condesa area of Mexico City, a group of women took the street, held hands and began to pray:

    “Please God, help us and let everything be OK,” said one. “It’s OK. It’s OK. Everything is OK.”

    But everything is not okay you foul burrito pushers!  Right before the Earthquake, it’s reported a ‘deep rumble’ was heard in the air.  That was just God clearing his throat before he yelled out “LA MIGRA LA MIGRA” and shook everything to cause more confusion.  I wished I could have been there with front row seats, because I would have shouted Olay and Encore!  I want more of this performance!

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    Abe If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack. Follow me on twitters. Poke me as your New Friend on Facebook!!

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