One of America’s most divisive musical acts is once again raising alarm bells from coast to coast. This time, however, the controversy is not the usual fare of drug arrests and kidnappings, but rather politics. Vermont-based rock group The Phish, sometimes referred to as simply “Phish” by diehard fans, is unscrupulously throwing its support behind the Occupy Wall Street riots with a series of concerts planned for New York City’s Times Square this holiday season. These performances are meant to commemorate the hatred of traditional values engendered in the violent protests that erupted in depressed urban areas earlier in the year.
In point of fact, these Phish shows promise to be a dangerous mix of sexual indulgence, marijuana crime and anti-American lyrical messages pumped out to audiences at ear-splitting levels. It is the decidedly treasonous nature of this heavy metal band’s show that surely deserves the attention of concerned parents and authorities alike.
Unlike other music stars who would be satisfied with a single event, the Phish has somehow forced its way into a four-night run at Manhattan’s biggest sports venue. Worse still, this erratically rancid rockfest will take place during the busiest time of the year, from Christmas to New Year’s Eve. Even more shocking, these concerts are aimed at children who should otherwise be spending time with their families. The end result is that the Phish are openly encouraging youths today to turn their backs on their mothers and fathers, on the birthday of the Baby Jesus, to congregate in a crime-ridden inner city for a 100-hour tour of the depths of depravity, replete with deadly goofball kicks, profound carnal deviancy and secret plots to terrorize patriotism.
An investigation of several exclusive websites has revealed that senior members of this entourage are quietly planning something “spectacular.” They use an enigmatic code when exchanging ideas on the internet, but the word Occupy is clearly decipherable even when they type it out in hippie shorthand as Oh Kee Pa (as in “Oh Kee Pa Wall Street”). Other terms common here are: Garden (an event, like the Muslim’s use of “wedding” to describe an assault), Controls for Smilers (LSD mushrooms), Ginger (Allah), Weekapaug (Arabic for “hideout”), Mmgamoio (the mumbling noise a Phishhead makes when stoned on ganja), Mangoes (oral sex), Leave it on Press (blow up someone’s mind), Mr. Palmer (a double agent) and Wilson (a wise and powerful enemy). New information has surfaced that one Phishhead cell plans to hold a congress of radical activists at an establishment named “Gingerman.” Another group is agitating for a grassroots “glowstick” uprising, which is particularly unsettling when one considers that these are the perfect devices for the delivery of chemical agents, including liquid hallucinogens.
The musical style of the Phish traces its origins to the now-deceased beatnik band, The Grateful Dead. Inspired by heroin and psychedelics, the Dead played in a free-form, jazz-infused rockabilly format that often descended into utter anarchy. The Phish attempted to pick up where the Dead left off, adding Semitic sarcasm and flashy stage moves. The gimmicks did little to convince audiences of the merits of 1960s stadium music in the pop-loving 1990s. Ultimately, lead singers Trey Anastasia and Mike Gordon realized they could never handle the sophisticated chords and soulful depths of their defunct peers. In their place, they explored trendy, sophomoric fads with their music. They found success, for example, by celebrating masturbation which was a very popular habit of many young men at the time. In hits like Shine, Squirming the Coil, Meatstick, Dog’s Log, Waste and You Enjoy Myself, they repeatedly came back to furtive personal gratification. By promoting an indulgent form of self-abuse, the band quickly became famous on elite college campuses from Olympia to Plainfield.
Many important investigations of the Phish have made it into print. Two worth mentioning are “Just Say No to the Phish” and “When it Comes to the Phish, Music Censorship is Not Enough.” While there is not enough space here to repeat the shocking findings of those reports, it is worth noting that parents certainly need to be aware of the vile effects of this Jewish rock band.
Much like Chinese communism, the Phish seeks to destroy faith-based values. In its place, they create a new family unit, comprised not of blood relatives but like-minded adherents to the strange, noxious cult of the Phish. Older pot-addicted groupies, identified by their lack of teeth and rich septic odor, claim an elevated status in this world. They turn their backs on their communities to live “on the road” in dilapidated school buses and pedophile vans, prowling ethnic ghettoes and heartland towns with equal ardor. When they spot an innocent, smooth-skinned girl or an athletic teenage boy, they pounce with reefer bong hits and grotesquely-colored t-shirts. Quick with their opium-yellowed fingers, they grope for spare change and the moist depths of corporeal sanctity. And somewhere another loving mother, who has turned her head for just a moment, has lost a beautiful child to that dark, foul world.
No one truly knows what the Phish has planned for the epic countdown to the end of 2011. If I may speak like a “Wilson” for a moment, it’s undeniable that this year has been a difficult time for concerned citizens under Obama’s socialist reign. Our economy has been bankrupted, communist agitators have taken to the streets and religious beliefs have been unceremoniously censored in the public square. Yet we have also witnessed the amazing success of faith-based 2012 presidential candidates like Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann and Governor Rick Perry. Will the Phish aim their grungy ire at these issues on December 31st, causing widespread discord and even electoral manipulation? Only time will tell… but hopefully those who love the United States of America as I do will be paying attention. As a society, we must do everything in our power to finally put an end to the Phish’s philosophically pharmacologic phenomena of phallic “phanarchy.”
As a public service, the slide below will help you identify any Phishheads in your midst. Appropriate caution should be taken when any persons of this caliber are spotted.
For those in law enforcement, here is a primer of what to expect when facing the freewheeling Phishhead. Special care should be taken when handling them, as psychedelic hallucinations can be transmitted through human flesh contact with such people.