• How To Ensure Your Daughter Is Not Dressed As A Whorelot: The Christian Man’s Pictorial Guide To Dressing Your Teenage Child

    December 11, 2011 4:19 am 126 comments

    The other day at Church, my Beloved Comrade In Christ, Paul, approached me with a vile dilemma that was plaguing his life, and he asked me for advice. He said,

    “My Dear Partner, Christopher, whom I hold so close to my Heart, there is a terrible sinister presence of satan in my life. It causes me so much stress and it breaks my Gentle Heart. Christopher, you are the Greatest at solving problems except for Jesus who is only a little bit Better. The Connections you have to Jesus are so Beautiful that every day I just cry, wishing I could have your Love, your Poignant Connections. My daughter Mildred, bless her Soul, has begun dressing like a harlot behind my back. Every day I send her to school, dressed in the clothing of a Good, Christian, Young Lady. But on Friday I came to her school to ensure that her biology teacher was teaching them creationism and not that vile evolution theory, and even scarier than the idea that Humans are descended from monkeys were the clothing she was wearing. She had on a see-through midriff baring shirt and a pair of dandy dukes! Christopher, I’m scared. I just broke down into tears. I’ve just been crying all the time since my Wife, Mary, left me because she though I was a homosexual. But I digress. I told her, ‘Milly, My Dear, think of the Children! Think of what Jesus expects for you!’ After that I was an incomprehensible wreck. Oh, dear Jesus, you even make my Mighty eye water flow as I recount this story. Comfort me, Christopher. Help me through this, and teach me how to Save my daughter from the tantalizing sin of satan. You Connect so well to the youth of today as well as you Connect to all else in Mankind, as well as to me. Oh, Christopher, write one of those Comely Articles, those articles that touch my Heart so. Your writing is as Charming as your Boyish Good Looks, and I hope you can dedicate an article to this subject.”

    I then said,

    “Yes, My Dear Brother In Christ. I will do anything for you to help your daughter stop dressing like a trollop.”

    We then embraced in a Heterosexual way and proceeded to the Service, where, after that Emotional Connection between the two of us, we chose to sit together where our Hearts could Connect to the Word Of God.

    Thus, I dedicate this article to my Handsome Compeer Paul, so that we can get through this dilemma Together.

    Your daughter is a Precious Gift from God for the continuation of the Christian species, so she must be handled delicately. She cannot dress like a hymen-breaker, like a cocotte who only wishes to fornicate and make Jesus cry. But how can you, A Respectable Christian Man, help your daughter achieve aesthetic Purity? Here are five looks you can have your daughter wear without killing any Angels in the process. With these looks your daughter can look Undefiled and Pure from the inside out at any occasion, from the school to the Purity Ball. However, I do suggest taping the clothing to her body or using body glue so that she cannot remove it without your help.

    Here is an ensemble your daughter can wear to your Church’s Purity Ball with you. It is feminine without being revealing and covers all of the naughty bits like arms and legs. No cleavage is shown and the colors are Heavenly. Your daughter will look Saintly and Virginal in this Angelic Outfit.

    In this outfit, your daughter can attend Church with you and look like a Moral and Respectable Young Lady. Her outfit is fun and Joyful without being immodest and it will allow her to Truly Marvel At The Beauty of Jesus. It is the type of outfit only the Best type of adolescent Boy will like, which can help you in your quest to choose a Husband for her to Wed.

    This is an outfit your daughter can wear to school that will Truly make a Statement. This outfit just screams, “I Love Jesus, and if you aren’t dressed Morally, I will shame all you heathens with my Wonderful Christian Style!” The skirt is long and in a fashionable hue that complements the crisp blouse in a way that just enhances your daughter’s Christian Features. It is completed with some Gorgeous jewelry and Golden footwear that will cause all of the paynim to faint in her Holy Awe.

    Here is an outfit your daughter can wear to a Good, Christian Party. The blue skirt will surely grab everyone’s attention in a Good Way and you may find many other young ladies practicing envy regarding her outfit. The fur stole demonstrates your hate for PETA in the most Beautiful possible way and will attract the Boys but not in a sexual way. This outfit will make your daughter the Life of the Moral Party.

    This is an outfit your daughter can wear during the winter. She still looks feminine but not like one of those whorish ballerinas fetishizing snow. The colors are lady-like and the details will keep her warm. Her earmuffs will insulate her Soul from the cold, secular world and the boots will Save and protect her from the frigid rejection of Jesus surrounding her feet. This is an outfit that will not tempt the atheist ruffians into challenging her Superiority in Christ, and it will Defend her from the gelid wickedness of the atheist world.

    With these five outfits in mind, you can now plan your daughter’s wardrobe and dress her like a True American. She will no longer be tempted into harlotry and your Family will be Saved.

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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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