To set the record straight, I am not a racist. I know some of you hippy liberal homosexuals out there would like to accuse me of such nonsense. No, I am not a racist. I believe in the sanctity of the life of all of God’s creatures, separate or equal. But God gave us the almighty means to see difference. I am a god-fearing Christian woman, blond and fair, living in the American heartland- a heartland I do not want ruined by blasphemous inter-racial marriage filth.
I am speaking now to the women of my fair country. Imagine you have been working all day, meticulously instilling the principles of God’s holy teaching in your children, cooking and cleaning and living in ultimate obedience to your husband like any good Christian woman. It is late, and you have to change just one more load of laundry before joining your husband in your marital bed, joining body to body in the one and only holy carnal union of procreative love-making. But just as you go to place the whites in the dryer, you notice some coloreds have slipped into the wash and tainted the batch. Indeed, it seems you have just ruined everything.
Hoping to avoid the strong handed discipline your husband will undoubtedly unleash upon you having noticed your foolish error at the simple womanly task of keeping house, you try to fix it. You try to run the wash again. Still the whites are soiled with color. Then you try bleach. This improves the load, sure, but still the whites are infected with color. Desperately you try to pick the specks of color out with tweezers. Yet, it is to no avail. The coloreds have not only superficially tainted the whites, leaving them filthy looking and unattractive, but their dyes have infiltrated the very fabric of the whites. Every stitch and fiber is now infected with color, and all of the bleach in the world cannot undo your horrible mistake. Your whites are no longer whites. Your whites are now hideous coloreds. Yet, curiously, the coloreds appear untouched.
Just as the woman of my hypothetical scenario has failed at her simple housekeeping task, so have we Americans failed at keeping the heartland pure. Yet, it is not hard. Just as the woman in the scenario could simply have remained more observant, having read the label to her beloved, delicate, precious whites and understood they cannot intermingle EVER, not even with less threatening reds, yellows and browns, so we can learn a similar lesson about the good people of the American heartland. We are delicate. We are pure, and bleach cannot save us. Pay heed.