• New Merit Badges are Sew Easy and Reject Gay Lifestyle

    December 20, 2011 1:40 pm 78 comments

    Honey Badger Explorer scouting is a great way for young men, aged 13-19 years old, to develop themselves through group meetings and gaining leadership skills. Young men learn the values of national pride, horsing around in a loving Christian environment and community service. Parents would be well advised to call their local chapter and get their kids involved.

    The best part of being a mom is seeing your son achieve his goals by exploring and mastering new skills. Honey Badger Explorer Scout merit badges have really grown since I was young in Appalachia where the only merits badge available was for coal mining. Boys today have so many choices to pursue it boggles the mind! Here are some of the more important badges that are relevant to today’s world.

    The Honey Badger Patch signifies an explorer that attacks problems head on and never gives up. This patch is awarded to boys that aren’t afraid to put a snake in their mouth and give it a good shake. Even with their lip swollen and raw, they will take a little nap and get up and keep going. In the wild the honey badger is a fierce animal and natural enemy of the cobra. The Honey Badger Patch on a young man’s sash says he’s tenacious and never caves to threats.

    The Straight Beaver Patch says a scout has studied beavers extensively and has expert skills stalking, petting and sometimes even kissing or hugging a real beaver. It would behoove more adult men to learn these skills and test on them frequently for knowledge base updates. It seems like most of the young men in our troop gravitate to Ms. Jolene Jones for their pre-merit test counseling. As a thirty something divorcee she really seems to be popular with the explorers. Parents should make sure their son’s troop has a time tested leader before making this patch an activity goal. From proclamation of intent to achievement of mastery status is about 18 months in our troop.

    The M Badge is one every mom would proudly sew on a uniform. It signifies that the scout has studied the perils of masturbation and chosen to lead a life free of disease and self abuse. When our Honey Badger Explorer Scout was working on this badge, we rarely saw him. He would spend hours locked away in his room, pouring over reference materials and scouring the internets. I could not keep enough hand lotion in the house and washed athletic socks daily by the dozen. I was so proud to see him receive this badge!

    The Cat Clearing Badge is a community service badge. Explorers must sweep away stray cats found in their community into a dumpster and then turn in the cats over for disposal. Last year, my son’s troop captured over 1,300 lbs of cats. Some of the boys even sang working songs or used found collars with bells as tambourines to make light work as they rounded up cats. The community impact was very positive, with several somewhat unattractive ladies in housecoats parading outside the clubhouse for hours with signs of thanks. Their tears of joy warmed the whole troop.

    The Fruit Bat Badge is the highest honor given to a troop mom for homosexual community outreach. It represents a body of study that sometimes includes Broadway musicals and shirtless, all male square dancing as a gateway to fixing the home sexual lifestyle through prayer and good example. Sometimes the mamma Fruit Bat will allow the homosexuals to help her pick out clothes, assess her wardrobe, redecorate her house or give makeup tips to gain the gays’ confidence. The main goal of the Fruit Bat is to convert the home sexual into difference marriage material for herself or a best friend that is single and lonely after her cat disappeared. Michelle Bachman is a well known, successful Fruit Bat. A lot of people seem to know this without anyone telling them.

    The Tenderfoot Anus Badge, sometimes call the Fruit Loop Patch or Angry Anus Patch, is awarded to those scouts that explore power bottoming and reject it as sinful, immoral and a greased slide to eternal damnation. The Honey Badger Explorer Scout is resolute in his choice to reject a stretched anus and accept his God given orifice as a one way traverse. This patch seems to be very popular with troops in Utah and Indiana and is a requirement for accelerated entry into BYU, Bob Jones University and Oral Roberts College. Patches with a scholastic component are popular with today’s savvy parent.

    The Crack of Fire Patch is award to those explorers with the pro-biotic gastric constitution to produce a cloud of flammable unease around the campfire. This badge of honor is usually awarded to explorers whose hormonal maturity is such that a supper of pickled eggs, fish tacos and oyster enhanced tomato juice will avail a noxious green pollutant containing both flammable hydrocarbons and some heavy metals. This patch is controversial in that genetic disposition rather than proactive skill building is required for award.

    The White Trash Badge is very popular in Alabama and the Southern States. This patch requires the explorer to independently sew a confederate flag, accurately identify an illegal, explain the steps for meth production, and breed at least one litter of mixed heritage pit bulls for the purpose of selling them in a WalMart parking lot. While some troops on the Eastern seaboard have petitioned for a Guido badge, the declining popularity of “The Jersey Shore” has made it improbable the patch will be offered soon.

    The Apron String Badge is the highest honor in the Honey Badger Explorer Scouting world. In a secret ceremony, the explorer’s mom will push him off a bridge and dramatically cut the symbolically attached bungee cord while the other troop members chant the ancient Native American words “Yu-un-yo-own”. It is a beautiful ceremony of love that marks the transition of a boy to manhood.

    The greatest gifts parents can give their sons are to respect their decisions, teach them right from wrong, hug them tight everyday and never let go.

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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