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If you’re like me, a holy father of 12 kids, you know how difficult it can be to buy the right present for your children. Baseballs, Bibles, and Barbies, oh my! But what do you get for the heathen son who has decided to turn away from God and lie with other men? Prayer, obviously. But you have to buy him something fun, too, right? Or do you?
Over my years, I have learned the best ways to use Christmas as a way to preach to your homosectual son (let’s call it what it is: a SECT!) and turn him back to the Lord, and I want to share them with you. Here is the top ten gifts to give your homoSECTual son.
- Axe Body Spray Studies have shown that the main reason homosectual boys turn to other men is because they smell too much like women. Stop it before it starts! Go out and find a very masculine scent of Axe Body Spray to kill off those pesky pheremones.
- A DVD Anthology of This Old House Men like building things. We men know that! But maybe your homosectual son has never been exposed to the joy of building. After they get this great present, find a day where you could spend some quality time with your son and plop in the hours of Bob Vila and let him do the heavy lifting!
- A One Way Ticket to Las Vegas Men like challenges! And men like strippers! Why not put the two together and send your son to the land of peep shows and Coyote Ugly only to figure out how to get back home alive?
- Bible Verse Quilted Toilet Paper Do you ever wonder why your homosectual son has been hogging the rolls of toilet paper next to his computer in his bedroom? It’s hard to admit, but we have to assume the worst. With Bible verse quilted toilet paper, he’s going to have to read about Sodom and Gomorrah every time he has his debased masturbation sessions. (Avoid unconditional love related verses and steer towards Leviticus.)
- Any Gift wrapped in a Vagina Shaped Box Homosectual boys think that only the rumparoo is where the little wanker goes. Provide him the joy of finding something amazing in a vagina shaped box as he rips in with excitement. IT WILL BEGIN TO ENFORCE HOLY INTERCOURSE! Items inside to enhance this experience could also be honey, cherries, bibles, or anything else that connects positive feelings with reaching deep into the holy of holies.
- $1,000 Gift Card to Old Navy Are you as tired as I am of seeing your homosectual son come home from shopping with Diesel, Prada, and Abercrombie and Fitch? Make them look like real men! Hoodies and sweatpants work for us, why not him too? Make sure he spends all of his money at Old Navy and inform him he will have no other opportunities to “style” himself later in the year.
- A Copy of “Help Lord, The Devil Wants me Fat!” For those of us with the chunkier little cretins, give him the blessing of HOLY weight loss with this book. Your son will learn what it’s like to live in the Lord, lose weight, and start attracting those women!
- The Official NFL Football Rules Handbook Does your homosectual son know what a “down” is? Or does he think that’s what goes in his designer duvets? How can you expect to EVER talk with him?! Connect with your son over field goals, the quarterback’s pocket, audibles, and rushing yards. I’m already getting excited for you!
- A Year’s Worth of getting out of Cooking Duty Do you see your homosectual son making dinner more than your wife? THAT’S AGAINST GOD’S HOLY NATURE! Sure, your son can “say” he likes cooking, but we all know cooking is the first step to anal sex. Don’t let him brew up more corruption with a side of brimstone. Your wife will also love getting back to her domestic duties.
- An LED Enhanced Poster of Dante’s Inferno If you can’t convince your son that homosectuality is a sin, maybe the rings of hell will! Guide him through the punishment and pain of the sinners through the ages, leading him to a red sticker marked “You Are Here” right next to Judas himself. After completing This Old House, you can also help him frame it in rich mahogany and affix it in his bedroom over his ungodly shrine of internet pornography.
Merry Christmas!
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About The Author
We are the Crusaders. We are the McCarthyans. We are the Promise Keepers. We are the embodiment of the Great Commission. We are the Knightz of Magellan.
We are the Crusaders. We are the McCarthyans. We are the Promise Keepers. We are the embodiment of the Great Commission. We are the Knightz of Magellan. 
If you find out your son is a homogay, I’ve thought of an even better gift for him this Christmas. Disown him and evict him from your property. It tells him that you will not condone his sodomy and sets a Good Example for the other members of your Church.
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yes and elad it to suicide great …. how christian like
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First of all, I’ll start with something really basic. This, by the way nullifies your whole “article”. You can’t change someone’s sexuality no matter what you buy them.
If you are going to preach to your child it will lead to resentment. If you do this over Christmas, it is likely to lead to a negative association with the season.
As for calling homosexuals “Homosectual” it makes you seem idiotic. If you think that homosexuality is a sect you clearly don’t understand the definition of the word. A sect is a group with a DISTINCTIVE and shared religious, political or philosophical views. This is not true for homosexuality. It is an attraction to people of the same sex that in no way classifies as a sect.
Now for your gift ideas:
Axe Body Spray: Firstly no studies have ever shown that the main reason why men are homosexual is because they smell like women. Smell has nothing to do with homosexuality. Also on the subject of pheromones: A) Body spray will only mask it not destroy it. B) They won’t make someone gay even though certain ones (not all) can lead to sexual attraction and when they do they are actually produced to ensure the continuation of the species. C) Also just so you know it is still inconclusive whether or not humans have them naturally anyway.
A DVD Anthology of This Old House: Watching TV shows and building stuff doesn’t change someone’s sexuality. Also there is no connection between not building things and homosexuality.
A One Way Ticket to Las Vegas: Really sending your son to Las Vegas is a good thing? So you, a person who claims to be a good Christian father, has suggested about sending kids to Sin City? Do you know why Las Vegas has that nickname right? It is a place of gambling, prostitution (male and female), strippers (male and female) and lots of drinking. If you are worried about your son because of his sexuality (which is nothing to worry about) do you really think a place nicknamed Sin City and associated with the phrase “what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” is a good place to do it?
Bible Verse Quilted Toilet Paper: Do they even sell this? Even as a non-Christian I find the idea of such an item offensive. Every time your son cleans up after him self he’d be doing it with the bible. Also it won’t also be used for that it will be used for many uses each insulting the text.
Any Gift wrapped in a Vagina Shaped Box: Again is this even sold? This will do nothing you suggested.
$1,000 Gift Card to Old Navy: You want your kid to spend $1,000 on clothing? And you stick to the outdated and quite often incorrect idea that homosexuals are really into fashion? Is it me or does something not add up here? What possible thought process leads to the decision that giving your son an incredibly large sum of money to spend on clothes to stop him being gay as he IS INTERESTED in fashion and therefore gay?
A Copy of “Help Lord, The Devil Wants me Fat!”: You are going to damage your kid completely if you give him a book on weight loss. Especially if you do it because he is fat and therefore CAN’T attract women. Well done for giving your child both an eating disorder AND self-esteem issues in one gift.
The Official NFL Football Rules Handbook: Gay people like sports too by the way. If your child does enjoy (or even if he doesn’t) sports this gift isn’t going to change anything about your child.
A Year’s Worth of getting out of Cooking Duty: Straight men can enjoy cooking look at a large number of successful TV chefs: Male and happily married to women. Also women don’t have a “domestic duty”
An LED Enhanced Poster of Dante’s Inferno: This will again lead to some serious psychological issues in latter life.
You should always accept your children (and everyone else for that matter) no matter what race, religion, nationality or sexuality.
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1. Gay friend uses axe body spray…and he stills gets boyfriends.
2. As a straight male, building projects don’t really excite me. That show bores me
3. You know gays also go to Vegas right? They just avoid the female strippers.
4. So they can wipe their ass on bible verses? I don’t think that’ll help…
5. That one made me laugh…and also wonder where I could find a “Vagina shaped box” Would make my gay friend laugh hysterically if his Half-Naked men with baby animals calender I got him for christmas came inside a giant vagina.
6. My gay friend shops at Old Navy and the so called “gay” stores you listed as well. Clothes are just clothes.
7. No comment on the holy weight loss book because of how idiotic it is
8. As a striaght male, football bores me while my gay friend is a fan of football, try to explain that.
9. Men cooking is NOT gay in the slightest. My dad cooks amazing food and he’s been happily married for 20 years. I think cooking is fun as well, I’m just not that great at it.
10. Other then the “you are here” sticker. I think having a Dante’s Inferno poster would be awesome.
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for number 4, they could use it for toilet paper
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Hello fellow brony.
Perhaps they think gays do not use toliet paper like regualr people…Would it suprise you if that thought that?
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*brohoof* I ‘ve just found out this is a satire website, and it saddens me. I wish it was real so I could actually troll it.
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No, it is a well known fact that gay “men” eat each other’s feces. As there is no toilet involved, there is no need for toilet paper.
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That is not a fact. Gay people still have need for toilets.
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I want some of whatever it is you’re smoking. It musat be great to be so absolutely stupid for a while.
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What is so wrong about having an gay son
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