If you’re like me, a holy father of 12 kids, you know how difficult it can be to buy the right present for your children. Baseballs, Bibles, and Barbies, oh my! But what do you get for the heathen son who has decided to turn away from God and lie with other men? Prayer, obviously. But you have to buy him something fun, too, right? Or do you?
Over my years, I have learned the best ways to use Christmas as a way to preach to your homosectual son (let’s call it what it is: a SECT!) and turn him back to the Lord, and I want to share them with you. Here is the top ten gifts to give your homoSECTual son.
- Axe Body Spray Studies have shown that the main reason homosectual boys turn to other men is because they smell too much like women. Stop it before it starts! Go out and find a very masculine scent of Axe Body Spray to kill off those pesky pheremones.
- A DVD Anthology of This Old House Men like building things. We men know that! But maybe your homosectual son has never been exposed to the joy of building. After they get this great present, find a day where you could spend some quality time with your son and plop in the hours of Bob Vila and let him do the heavy lifting!
- A One Way Ticket to Las Vegas Men like challenges! And men like strippers! Why not put the two together and send your son to the land of peep shows and Coyote Ugly only to figure out how to get back home alive?
- Bible Verse Quilted Toilet Paper Do you ever wonder why your homosectual son has been hogging the rolls of toilet paper next to his computer in his bedroom? It’s hard to admit, but we have to assume the worst. With Bible verse quilted toilet paper, he’s going to have to read about Sodom and Gomorrah every time he has his debased masturbation sessions. (Avoid unconditional love related verses and steer towards Leviticus.)
- Any Gift wrapped in a Vagina Shaped Box Homosectual boys think that only the rumparoo is where the little wanker goes. Provide him the joy of finding something amazing in a vagina shaped box as he rips in with excitement. IT WILL BEGIN TO ENFORCE HOLY INTERCOURSE! Items inside to enhance this experience could also be honey, cherries, bibles, or anything else that connects positive feelings with reaching deep into the holy of holies.
- $1,000 Gift Card to Old Navy Are you as tired as I am of seeing your homosectual son come home from shopping with Diesel, Prada, and Abercrombie and Fitch? Make them look like real men! Hoodies and sweatpants work for us, why not him too? Make sure he spends all of his money at Old Navy and inform him he will have no other opportunities to “style” himself later in the year.
- A Copy of “Help Lord, The Devil Wants me Fat!” For those of us with the chunkier little cretins, give him the blessing of HOLY weight loss with this book. Your son will learn what it’s like to live in the Lord, lose weight, and start attracting those women!
- The Official NFL Football Rules Handbook Does your homosectual son know what a “down” is? Or does he think that’s what goes in his designer duvets? How can you expect to EVER talk with him?! Connect with your son over field goals, the quarterback’s pocket, audibles, and rushing yards. I’m already getting excited for you!
- A Year’s Worth of getting out of Cooking Duty Do you see your homosectual son making dinner more than your wife? THAT’S AGAINST GOD’S HOLY NATURE! Sure, your son can “say” he likes cooking, but we all know cooking is the first step to anal sex. Don’t let him brew up more corruption with a side of brimstone. Your wife will also love getting back to her domestic duties.
- An LED Enhanced Poster of Dante’s Inferno If you can’t convince your son that homosectuality is a sin, maybe the rings of hell will! Guide him through the punishment and pain of the sinners through the ages, leading him to a red sticker marked “You Are Here” right next to Judas himself. After completing This Old House, you can also help him frame it in rich mahogany and affix it in his bedroom over his ungodly shrine of internet pornography.