GOP Warns Santorum on Contraception Views, Fears Michelle Obama Will Get Pregnant

The surging tide of Santorum flowing over the heartland has found fertile ground in the boggy swamp of Washington, D.C. Rick Santorum, devoted Christian and defender of women’s rights to incubate the blessings of procreative sex, stated “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country.” Candidate Rick Santorum has been very vocal on his opinion that contraception should not be offered to US citizens under any circumstances.

“Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

This viewpoint has unexpectedly caught the ire of conservatives due to the healthy conjugal sexuality of the current administration and the party impact of a new baby in the White House. It is in the best interest of the Republican party that the Obamas practice birth control.

Many conservative pundits have been vocal about the weight issues surrounding First Lady Michelle Obama. Observations about her booty size and hypocrisy for a healthy lifestyle have been delicious fodder for the right wing humor websites. While everyone enjoys a great fat joke and teasing the obese, one must also understand the diabolical tricksy mindset of the liberal mindset.

What if Michelle Obama gets pregnant instead of just being fat?

It is a subject many don’t even wish to consider; as such an event could potentially lead to re-election of the President Who Is Not President Bush. The First Lady has an exceptionally high approval rating, one that has not suffered the ups and downs of many GOP presidential candidates. Should she become pregnant, many in the GOP feel the action would energize the entitlement base. Hilarious jokes about the First Lady’s girth could backfire as women and some liberal men would be offended with mockery of a pregnant woman. It would make those with the most entertaining observations seem mean, instead of like American patriots.

Washington insiders are debating the timing of a anti-contraception message with all candidates. Some believe the First Lady’s eggs are too old and well past their sale date, leaving the elimination of reproductive rights for all citizens a strong platform for the presidential election. Others point out that although she is 46, many women have had children past this age and she seems to be in good health with few signs of menopause. No one questions the ability of the President to authorize and execute such a mission, noting that the first time anyone has had sex in the White House for nearly a decade was right after President Obama’s inauguration.

Insiders and pundits will continue to monitor the contraception rhetoric closely and watch for signs of censorship. The Democrat party is determined to make the Republican platform for saving America and restoring exceptionalism as difficult as possible. A new baby would simply bring too much aww factor and humanize the President Who Is Not President Bush. Undoing the vilification, questions of citizenship and casual racism accomplished thus far would be a tragedy for the Grand Old Party.