• Hipstersexuals: The Obnoxious Ninjas of Terrorism

    January 25, 2012 6:00 pm 12 comments

    When you picture terrorists, you picture islamists with stolen uzis and hand grenades running into a government building of this Christian Nation. But there’s a more subtle type of terrorism going on in America. Yes, terrorism of the mind. That, we can mainly credit to the hipstersexual movement and traitors like Obamney who tolerate or motivate them.

    The true hipstersexual motivation.

    As you know, hipstersexuals aim to diverge society from the mainstream. But things are mainstream for a reason. Heterosexuality is mainstream because it works and because Jesus won’t hate you if you do it. Christianity is mainstream because it’s the truth. Republicanism is mainstream because it’s the only moral political party in this cold, wild world. Meanwhile, hipstersexuals are out advocating their pretentious hipstersexual stores like Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie and occupying Wall Street like little rabid socialists. There’s a reason normal people don’t do that.

     

    Hipstersexuals are occupying pop culture faster than any other cult, because they seem to have a penchant for occupying stuff. You will find flash-in-the-pan starlets wearing bright pink Ray-Bans and B-list actors growing beards. I like to think that, once it reaches Hollywood, the epidemic has truly began. The worst cases of this include with homosexuality, veganism, atheism, atheism’s wimpy cousin agnosticism, scientology and Apple. Your children are being exposed to this sinfest if you allow them to watch TV or go to the supermarket and see the little botoxed gremlins in the tabloids. YOUR CHILDREN. Process that. Hipstersexuality is essentially every parent’s worst enemy because of this.

    Satanism will drink you up whole, spit you out as a demon and condemn you to a fiery pit.

    But what is the scariest is the violent, neo-muslim ironic turn hipstersexual music is aiming for. Listen to the chorus of the sinful song, “We Are Young” by fun. I was exposed to this song through the facebook wall of the alumni page for my alma mater. Anyways, it terrifies me. Why, beyond the blatant hipstersexual Daria-inspired apathy and the sexual undertones? These lines. “Tonight, we are young. So let’s set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun.” This is a new level of terrorism, and it is afflicting all aspects of the hipstersexual lifestyle. You may also be aware of a (bafflingly popular) hipstersexual chant of gore named “Pumped Up Kicks” by some obnoxious Canadian band. This is a song about a boy who obtains a gun and decides to threaten other children with it. Is this a message we want to send to our youth? Or, even more ominously, is the hipstersexual movement about to bring the earth on a trip to a revisionist 9/11 terror chamber?

    Science is a lie for non-conformists and Christ-killers.

    The hipstersexual mentality is a terrifying Nietsche-esque wet dream of collosal terror. The philosophy they live by is one driven by evil and satanic madness. We must band together to stop the hipstersexuals before it’s too late!

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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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