She’s the apple of Daddy’s eye and Mother’s little helper. Now she’s engaged to some boy you don’t even know. As parents you did everything right. She’s made good grades and volunteered every year to wrap golden haired Barbie dolls for children in Africa. She was a cheerleading captain and soccer star. She was co-captain of the debate team. Now she’s on the precipice of falling into the abyss of smoky hallucinations, sandalwood scented sin and bloody Funyun gum nightmares. Your daughter just returned from college engaged to a stoner.
It is a parent’s worst nightmare – a drug doer invading the order of the family. How could this happen? Far too many parents are unaware of the warnings. The boy has allergies. His contacts are dirty. He’s just low key. He’s a white chocolate Jamacian. The excuses pile up until one day you’re stuck with a dreadlock wearing grandchild named Roachclip living in a yurt somewhere in Colorado. For the sake of your future grandchildren, you need to do something!
Keep Calm and Verify
If you are reading this, your parental spidey sense says something is wrong. While I hope for your sake it isn’t, there are some very specific behavioral tests and observations you can easily do at home without concocting elaborate ways to obtain a urine or hair sample for lab testing. Involuntary, non-consensual testing is okay as long as you never admit to it or post anything on youtube, that’s just law 101. There is an easier way. Subterfuge and embarrassment are your friends.
Get Involved Early
When your daughter begins seeing a new beau, invite the young man over for dinner with the entire family more than once. It is understandable that the first time he comes for dinner he will be a little nervous and may have prepared for the visit after coaching from your daughter. In order to get a true read on the situation, it will be necessary for you to cloak in a veil of tolerance and acceptance.
Prepare a casual stoner’s banquet of easy cheesy chicken casserole with cheese puff crunch topping, sprout salad and maybe some mountain dew cupcakes with Dorito crunch sprinkles. Keep the atmosphere relaxed with some ambient music. Light some scented candles, even if you don’t usually do this. Stoner’s can be skiddish running from the law and weary with the demands of the vagrant lifestyle. Be patient.
By the second family dinner date, you should be ready to take some true field notes.
What time does it arrive for dinner? Is he on time or fashionably late? Most marijuhana users are incapable of timeliness. The TPC, the component in ‘weed’ that produces the relaxed ‘high’ also inhibits the ability to conceptualize time. You might also find out in casual conversation if your daughter has any thoughts on his timeliness.
How is it dressed? Look for any Scandinavian fashions like rainbow socks, hemp fabrics and garments that could more appropriate for children. The drug smoker likes comfort, so don’t be shocked if you realize those jeans with the underwear showing turn out to be ‘Pajama Jeans’ for men. Look for doobious vintage or familial hand me downs. The stoner is a romantic when it comes to ancestry. Seasonably unsensible clothing choices are also something to recognize as a sign. Shorts or flip flops in winter would be an example.
Some of the more hardcore stoners will fancy the dreadlocks as a hair style. This is a ropy looking mess that gives off a mildew musky odor. Is his hair dry or wet when he arrives? Oftentimes, as mentioned, tokers will wait until the last moment and are often low key in their tardiness. Even if he is on time, look for signs he was rushed. A sock worn inside out or missed belt loop are clear signs he dressed in a hurry or was hip hopped up on the Mary Jackson.
If the buffet of stoner delights you prepare for him make him giddy and happy, engage in lively dinner conversation. Talk about food. Gage his reaction to certain words like ‘oregano’, ‘basil’, ‘rosemary’ and ‘parsley’. Does mention of any of these herbs make him giggle? If so, you have a clear stoner candidate. Also listen for odd language patterns, like the term ‘bogart’. Protip: Ask if he’s a gardner or can compare Tolkien’s Ents with personality types. If he seems well versed, yet has no formal education be on alert. He most likely has engaged in a bong circle conversation with a more versed drug doer.
Ask about pets. This is usually a great indicator of a stoner household. Iguanas named Jimmy Cliff or a cat named Buddy are sure signs there are smoky doings. Educate yourself on the marijuana cultural ‘power words’. These are often used as “cute” and “funny” names for pets. Bong, Buddah, Ace, Lubbies, Marley, Mary Jonas, Mooters, Parsley, Zambi and Zert are popular pet names in the drug culture.
Check out his vehicle. A quick lookie loo on the way to the trash bin after dinner will tell you much. Are alligator clips or crystals hanging from the rearview mirror? If so, this is a clear sign it is most likely a recent acolyte to the ganja gang. If he doesn’t have a car, it is even more suspicious. Most stoners take advantage of the kindness of others and your daughter may be carting his drug doing carcass for nefarious weeding conferences all about town. If she is doing most of the driving in a car you provide, consider a discrete satellite locator so you can record and review movement at your leisure. She is putting herself and your future grandchildren at risk. Don’t be shy about subterfuge.
You’re Still Having Nightmares about the Yurt
It is perfectly understandable that parents deeply investigating their daughter’s beau would spend a few sleepless nights of worry. Yurts are scary. They are the abodes of Turkish nomads and psychedelic marijuana-loid gypsies. It is frightening to think of the yurt’s drug influences, but consider the bears. Yes, bears and mountain lions have an affinity for yurts. Many of the pamphlets and offerings of practical information on yurt living include bear proofing tips. Clearly it is important to get your daughter off this fast track to heartache.
Divide and Conquer
Once you have established a relationship with him and decided that he is most probably a weed stoner, start a little weedling of your own into your daughter’s life. Find out how she feels about his tardiness. Keep judgments to a minimum and help Daddy watch out for words that might condemn like ‘never’, ‘abomination’, or ‘no good do-less’. Keep calm. This can be a long process from hippie funk yurt tent living back to a proper home environment.
While one would always prefer the final talk on sexuality to take place the night before her wedding, it is necessary for the sake of the bloodline to take this important step now. If you are sure she is having relations, pray for courage and speak out.
Discuss the downside of stoners as sexual partners. Explain how although they start out as a lark of clumsily pulled down clothing and slow sleepy sensuality, it is not the normal healthy sex life she deserves. She needs the rapturous gymnastics of a pounding 5 minute coupling where he rolls over and falls asleep after. This allows for sufficient prayerful reflection, pre-sleep reading and Bible study.
Those addicted to the ganga are notoriously slow to sexually climax. They will nuzzle post coitus, maybe even tell you how beautiful your eyes are or playfully blow a skin trumpet on a breast. He might gaze and recite Yeats while twinning your hair with resin stained fingers. Mention to her that although he seems passive, loyal and friendly there are many Labradors at the pound that can fill this companionship need.
Passively mention the issues with yurt living. Rest assured that although she may not have mentioned it, the couple has discussed this hermit-gypsy lifestyle. Tornados, landslides and heavy snow can make yurt living dangerous for any grandchildren. Tell her your fears and how embarrassing it would be to receive a Christmas card years in the future of her new family looking like goat herders on the tundra. What would her friends from High School think?
For parents dealing with the possibility of a nature loving stoner in the family there are no easy answers. They may seem easy going but parents need to focus on the important issues – what does this mean for my grandchildren?