Public Transportation: One Christian’s Journey Saves Hundred’s of Souls, Causes A Few People To Be Late To Work
It was a normal Wednesday in Portland, Oregon. Just like any other day, rainy, dreary and Hipster filled, but on this day God would touched this awful town and save many Heathen Souls with the help of a lone Christian Warrior riding on Public Transportation who was just reading a book.
This story may seem far-fetched to the Atheists who are constantly bombarding our Holy Site with their 3rd grade rhetoric and insults, but this is a TRUE STORY!!! A story of faith, love of our fellow man and the belief that God can reach the unreachable. How do I know this is a true story? I know, because I lived it. This is a Testimonial to the Power of God and the Christwire Handbook. Hold on to your seats, this will be a thrilling and bumpy ride through the devastating World of the Working Poor Mass Transit rider’s lives and how one Brave White Chistian had the guts to enter that Hell-like places to spread God’s Word and free popcorn to these working class miscreants.
Our story begins on a dreadfully cloudy and rainy day at the early hour of 10 AM, I chose to start my mission work at 10 instead of between 6-9 AM when most commuters with real jobs at important Corporations are attempting to get to work in a timely fashion. I waited until 10 because those are the people who opt for jobs at places like Taco Bell and the Salvation Army. I had placed 5 of my 7 security team members at a bus stop one stop before the one I would enter on, so this way they could eject any potential problems such as Muslim Terrorists, Chineses or the Dutch. Once they assured me that it was all clear, I entered the bus and was immediately assaulted with the smell of the poor, otherwise known as urine mixed with vomit, Jeri Curl, Indian food and burning hair stuffed in a dirty diaper (and they wonder why people prefer to drive themselves???). As if the smell wasn’t bad enough, I noticed that there were only two people on this bus for me to minister to. Here is a photo of them:
I looked at them and realized they probably already belonged to one of those Singy/Dancy/Wave your hands and speak in tongues Blacks only Baptist Churches. I did not let this deter me from my mission though. I was going to save at least one Soul today, and it was still early on this Bus route. So I took a seat, after placing several layers of saran wrap over the seat, and waited patiently. I believe somehow word had spread that I was on the bus handing out Orville Reddenbocker’s Movie Theater Butter style Popcorn for free, since as we hit a stop called “The Transit Center Bus Mall” hundreds of people swarmed on to the bus. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and today He was working through popcorn!
As these rather overweight and frightfully dark skinned people entered the bus, I offered them each a bag of my delicious popcorn, which they all devoured like Sally Struthers at a buffet line. It was like they weren’t making enough money to feed themselves at their jobs, even though they don’t own a car and have to ride a bus. This seems impossible to people like myself who own a Company and know how much we pay our employees, they must be on the drugs. When I realized that was part of their bus riding problem, drug use = bus riders, I understood why God wanted me on this bus. I was there to save these people from an Eternal life of torment in Hell.
I thought to myself, “How can I go about saving these lost Souls? I’m not a Pastor or even a Great Public Speaker like our Greatest President George W. Bush”. Then I realized, “I have the Christwire Handbook in my Seal’s hide briefcase, I can read that to them!!!”. Excitement came over me like never before, I knew what God’s plan for me was on that day and I couldn’t wait to fulfill His dream of me.
Still excited, a little red in the face and my pants riding up in an odd way, I walked to the front of the bus and asked for everyone’s attention. This did not work, because people who ride the bus are obnoxious slobs with ghetto blasters and Apple products blaring EDM Dubbedstep music in to their ears at a volume so high everyone else on the bus can still hear it. So I paid the driver $500 to pull over and let me use the Intercom speaker. I guess that $500 was half of the driver’s monthly salary (how obsurd), so he allowed it. This plan worked, these people were attempting to get to work or to catch a connecting bus, and timing is everything. This unexpected stop threw them off, so they all stopped talking and shut off their garbage music to listen to the Intercom and see what was happening.
I introduced myself as Bruce Danus, a Member of the Christwire Fellowship who was there to provide them with snacks of popcorn and the Love of Jesus. After my introduction and a few people on the bus trying to throw away their garbage but hitting me with it in the process, in their defense the garbage can was within a few feet of me, I asked the driver to proceed.
Once we were underway again, I got back on the Intercom and started loudly reading from the Christwire Handbook. I read over 100 pages from that glorious manuscript, and the entire time not a single person left that bus. As I was reading, I looked at the faces of these poor, down-trodden individuals. In some I could see happiness and joy through their laughter, in others I saw tears pouring from their eyes as they obviously were feeling their sins fully at that point, and others had an angry glare of hate in their eyes which could only mean that they had not ever been conforted with their sins so forcefully.
We reached the designated stop, and my nostril’s limit, and started to exit the bus with my Security Team when, just as I was stepping from the bus the crowd on there started clapping and so loudly that my eardrums almost burst. Just then, a small sin skinned boy came running up to me and handed me what appeared to be a melting Baby Ruth candy bar (I later found out it was feces, but blacks are very poor and candy is their favorite), I knew at that moment, The Love of Christ, The Power of The Christwire Handbook and my Tolerance of Lesser People had saved many Souls that day.
Here is a picture of that particular bus after I had begun reading the Holy Handbook: