My wife and I were recently married and with all the new family, the holidays and the like, we’ve really packed on the pounds. We’ve been working out quite a bit over the last few weeks and want nice bodies to show off for our Caribbean honeymoon we’ll be taking this spring. My wife is really a knock-out and I have to admit, the idea of other men looking at her in a bikini is actually upsetting me in thought.
The one problem I’m really having may make me sound a bit old-fashioned and chauvinistic, but is it really okay for a married woman, a Christian none the less, to wear skimpy bikinis to the beach? The wife has been online shopping for several pieces and there is hardly any material there to cover her flesh. She’s well endowed, tight bodied and has a nice backside. So I’m really sort of freaking out and not wanting guys to look and lust after her. Is it okay if I tell her that as a Christian woman, she should wear some sort of beach gown or such and stay modest for me? I would like some backing and see if this would create problems for me in long run. Thanks for any help!
Worried in Minnesota
Women who get married have committed their bodies to you. Her body is a temple and you are the master priest of it. When she said “I do”, she forfeited any right to make you upset by flaunting her flesh for other men to look at. If you give her a break now, where will she stop? When she gets home all tanned and toned from your vacation, is she going to show off her perky tops by wearing low-cut blouses at work? Will she be bending over slowly to tease men?
It may sound silly, but most women who are single are natural flirts. You have to make her consciously realize that her flirting days are over and the honeymoon is the best time and place to do it.
Our interning associate and lovely friend, Molly Dogiz made us a video on this very subject. Should a Christian woman wear a bikini? The answer is generally no, especially if she is married.
– Dan N
This is very touchy subject and I want to keep it brief. My husband and I have been married for over ten years. We have 3 lovely children, a beautiful home and a good life. He has been good to me. There is one problem. He can’t ‘get it up’ anymore. It’s been nearly a good year since we have been able to enjoy our marital pleasures and it is getting tough for me. I love my husband but I do have my urges and he cannot fulfill them. He is too embarrassed to bring this up with his doctor, his family or anyone. It is just me and him. I told him to try some of the pills they advertise on the tv, but he is too proud and said a man does not need those. He is ‘too young’. He says that it is me and I do not attract him anymore. I do not want to get a divorce, but I also do not want to have an affair and it is getting close to that point. Is there any suggestion or approach I can use to get my husband to drop his pride, his macho arrogance and get into a doctor. He is hiding behind his faith I think and his pride. But I love him and do not like where things are going. Please advise if any.
Do Not Want a Divorce in Dakota,
Dear Divorce in Dakota,
“For better or for worse, in sickness and in health…” Do those words mean anything to you? If you have a proper marriage, you took that oath when you married. Your husband is being put in a state of physical sickness and according to him, you are the cause. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? What do you see: a good wife? A good mother? A selfish homewrecker of her own doing? If you answered the latter, you are correct.
I am sorry to be so tough, but any woman who is thinking “affair!” in her husband’s time of need is a disgrace to motherhood and decency. You need to get some psychological counseling and apologize to your family. You’ve already cheated on your husband with your heart. Why not go all the way! Are you writing in to gain some justification in what’s already destroying over 50% of married homes in America: faulty women?
Clean yourself up. You have no right to call yourself a wife or mother until you submit to your husband in all humility. Do you know God torches adulterers in hell? You have already cheated in your heart. Repent. You should find your husband’s deepest fantasies and allow him to carry them out. It sounds like he has grown bored with you, barring any serious medical condition. If he does require a supplement, let him know you will ‘do anything he wants once it works, whenever’. Unless you have truly let yourself get to such a repugnant point that you need to consider working out before he leaves you, you should have no problem getting the ‘marriage pleasures’ back into your life.
Again, sorry to be so tough. But I want to help you save your marriage and sometimes that requires giving women a gentle slap of reality to set them straight. Hopefully whatever I said that stings reminds you a bit of the pain you’ll cause your family if you cheat and don’t do everything in your power to always love your husband.
Our daughter is now into her second semester of college. Having her home over the holidays was great and it really comforted us to see her in good health. She goes to school on the OPPOSITE coast of the country. It was a huge adjustment to have our baby girl we protected since birth go so far away, though we have faith she will make good choices and do well in her studies.
We have one problem: she’s our only girl. We have two sons younger than her, but we miss her. Over the break she told us that we call too much and that she is too busy to really always call us back and just chat. My wife and I just like to know she’s okay some times, but I guess 6 out of 7 days of the week of checkups may just be pushing it (that was only when she first left!)
Any suggestions on how we can keep in touch with our daughter without smothering her new independence? Grateful and I just want to let you know, I love your site, journal and magazine, and cannot wait to see what other things you do.
– New Yorker Dad who loves his Girl
Dear New Yorker Dad,
You’re going through a test many parents before you have had to do: let the guard down and trust your college girl. The thing you have in your favor that prior generations did not have is technology. Odds are that your daughter’s phone is more complex than your home computer. Use that to your advantage!
Most college teens these days are into texting. If you and your wife do not have texting on your phone, get it. Text her (not too often!) to just say I Love You or Thinking About You. She will get your messages and will be likely to quickly send you a response. Instead of wasting your time with phone calls, consider asking your daughter to install Skype or Google Talk. Get a web camera. Once or twice a month, you can schedule to call her on her computer (when she is not busy) and you can have a face to face conversation! So you will get to see your daughter more than just the holidays or after a 3000 mile flight.
I hope the information helps and a big thank you from us all, we hope you continue to enjoy our work!
I’m going to be straight up. I think my wife is seeing a woman. Her and one of her good friends have been spending a bunch of time together, like an unnatural amount of time. When her friend is over, they seem to be comfortable being in each other’s personal body spaces and the such. They work out together, share suspicious looks and always seem to be giggling or hiding something from me. One time I came home early from work and the two of them were awkwardly sitting in the living room some distance apart, my wife feigning sleep and the friend looking at me as a movie played on the tv. The air smelled sort of…you know. I really do think my wife may be seeing this woman and hiding it from me. Is this something I can just ask her if she is doing directly? Do I need to go to our church pastor or counselor about this before confronting her? My mind says no, but my gut says yes. Any thoughts?
Donny in Brooklyn
Dear Donny in Brooklyn,
Our best instincts come from our enteric brains, our guts. Did you know that your intestinal tract is actually a subdivision of your body’s autonomic nervous system. If you’re continually getting a bad feeling in your guts about your wife’s relationship with this woman, do not ignore it. Your guts are trying to tell you something important. And the enteric nervous system is highly accurate in issues of family and danger. The best course of action is to be direct.
Sit both your wife and this friend down. Ask your wife, “Are you having a lesbian affair?” If she is innocent, she will look surprised but give you a genuine ‘No.’ If she belts out in anger or overacts her innocence with a laughing “Of course not”, your guts are probably right. Study the face of her friend. Does it flush and blush? Does she look nervous, lick or lips or swallow like a cat that’s just been caught musting the couch or the carpet? If so, she’s guilty, your wife is guilty and you have to decide where to proceed from there. Good luck. And always, consult your pastor, a marriage counselor and a lawyer so you can be prepared if worst case scenario is realized.
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