Today’s most successful comics rarely consider the impact that their work has on the minds of the young. They know not humility or sacrifice, integrity or shame. The only God they bow down before is their own foul greed. Has this planet ever seen a more disgusting cabal of cultural revolutionaries than the wanton wisecrackers of Hollywood?
The ten very worst offenders in this group are listed below. These are insanely wealthy men who have made careers out of destroying patriotism and the traditional family. They hate you for your faith. They hate you for your freedom. They will stop at nothing to force a dictatorship of polymorphous perversity into your lives.
America, you need only look into the face of a child to see what we’re fighting for. That innocence, that love, that brave yearning for a return to a necessary glory… What could be more precious? Never forget that. Never forget as you stare deep into that cursed abyss of our contemporary culture known as “big comedy.”
10. John Hodgman, Jaded Evangelist of Gadgetry and Groupthink
“He is an unhappy man. He is a voracious man. He is the type of comedy star whose insatiable appetite has pushed him to cross far too many media platforms. Yet everywhere his message is the same. He seeks to radicalize the geek, to turn nerds into social engineers who agitate for liberal redefinitions of traditional institutions… In essence, he is the lame duck hero of our future’s laziest, self-hating anti-heroes.”
—The Unnecessary Anti-American Comedy of John Hodgman
9. Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Machiavellian Mistress of the Modern Family
“Alleyways, basement discos, tenement rooftops, all are fetid hunting grounds for the dark Jesse Tyler Ferguson who comes out Jekyll-like after midnight to prowl. His yellowed teeth resemble fangs beneath ghetto streetlamps, he drapes a long black coat over his shoulders like a cape and, in the blink of an eye, he disappears into the grimy canyons of Gotham, scraping those walls with effluent-encrusted fingernails.”
—Modern Family’s Jesse Tyler Ferguson Plays Gay on TV, But in Real Life He is a Homosexual
8. Jon Stewart, Schmaltzy Showman of Cable Shtick
“For a man who has combines the whiney attitude of Woody Allen, the hollering of Lenny Bruce, the foolishness of Jerry Seinfeld and the narcissism of Ben Stiller, Mr. Stewart has never quite mastered a unique identity.”
—Aging Liberal Jon Stewart Struggles to Stay Relevant
7. Will Ferrell, Laughably Unfunny Addict of Adolescent Angst
“His voice breaks with a pubescent twang. At times he is nasal, crumbling his words into bestial shrieks that call out to the naïveté of our youth. His ragged face shows the wear of a man who has freely tasted the fruits of the indulgent Hollywood scene. It is not just a visage of alcoholism, but one of promiscuity and abuse.”
—Has Comedian Will Ferrell Forsaken America’s Christians?
6. Alec Baldwin, Boozy Blowhard of Bloated Ambitions
“Alec uses this fake Republican persona to underhandedly lambaste traditional American values. He constantly mocks the day’s hot topics at the expense of humor and story structure– from Condi Rice to health care to executive salaries. American viewers such as myself can’t help but wonder if NBC is crossing the line with this show. Is it free political advertising for the DNC? Should 30 Rock be registered and regulated as a political action committee?”
—Stephen Baldwin: Portrait of a Christian-American Hero
5. Aziz Ansari, Islamist Agent of American Acquiescence
“In ‘Parks & Recreation,’ Mr. Ansari plays an employee strategically placed in a bureaucratic government agency. He is lazy and corrupt, sneaking every opportunity to sleep or gamble his days away. The show feels like a bad knockoff of ‘Seinfeld’ filmed with cheap cameras. The actors never rise above the amateurish, awkwardly staring directly into the camera and speaking with a nervousness they can’t hide.”
—Celebrity Muslim Aziz Ansari Finds Mecca of Comedy in Terrorism Jokes
4. Stephen Colbert, Smug Simulacra of the Crucifable Conservative
“His nightly show is like an Al Qaeda training camp, indoctrinating fragile minds into a fanatical hatred of American values and arming them with the doublespeak, laziness and opportunism to destroy this country’s economic and moral foundation. Materialism is his Lord, not spirituality, nor any commitment to bettering this country. And Colbert’s need for media attention and control over the young is insatiable.”
—Do you Really Think You’re That Funny, Stephen Colbert?
3. Peter Dinklage, Tempestuous Thespian of Double-Sized Debauchery
“Children identify with Dinklage because of his small size and comical accent, but his obsession with anal penetration crosses the boundaries into pure propaganda. How many children will watch the little man and want to try his grunty thrusts at home?”
—12 Reasons to Boycott “Game of Thrones” in 2012
2. Ricky Gervais, Graceless Goon of European Skepticism
“He is that queer dirty uncle who tells blue jokes and wants to show you the magazines he keeps in his motel room… Some interpret his English brogue as a sign of intellectualism, while others find him delightfully rebellious. In a particularly disturbing display, he made an incredibly offensive and expletive-filled appearance on the children’s program Sesame Street. One can only wonder how the kids watching absorbed the disgusting spectacle.”
—Ricky Gervais: Profiting Big From Bigotry
1. Bill Murray, Balthusian Beast of Malthusian Proportions
“What Bill Murray means to America is the acceptance and celebration of an ultimate apathy. He is a weak man, a murderer of lambs, a despicable hedonist who waves the white flag welcoming the end of American moral and economic primacy. He is a harbinger of our death as a culture, the death of that preëminent philosophy of faith married to capitalism that has saved the world countless times from repression and annihilation.”
—Boycott Bill Murray for a Better America