As many of you know, I do a weekly Bus Mission where I board an unsuspecting Bus and shower the riders with the love of God (Probably the only shower most of them have had in a long time). This week, I had to travel to NYC for business and was unsure if I could continue my mission trip there as well. God spoke to me and told me that it was even more crucial in NYC than it is in Portland due to Gay Marriage being legal there, so I came up with a plan to save some Heathen Souls.
I went and spoke with my close acquaintance, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, about the possibility of renting a Subway car for an hour. This would allow me unfettered access to the specific Heathens that God would point out to me for saving. He agreed to the deal, after a donation of $1.5mil to his Re-Election campaign and another $500k to the New York Transit Department, which may seem a bit excessive to some, but when it comes to doing the Lord’s work, no price is too high.
I rented out a subway car about midway down the train during the 5pm Rush Hour run. I figured this would give me the highest number of qualified commuters to choose from for my Mission work. I set my team in to action picking out the 30 most troubled souls on the platform, reminding them that homeless and gingers do not have souls to save. After being strip searched, having body cavity searches and being deloused, they were welcomed aboard my private car.
Most subway cars in NYC during rush hour will carry between 300-400 people all crowded together, rubbing against each other in a sweaty gay orgy-like scenario, so these 30 people we had chosen were ecstatic to ride on my car. When they entered, their eyes lit up as they noticed the Buffet table I had set up for them in the car, complete with Taco Bell, KFC and McDonald’s (I saved the Holy Arby’s for those who accepted Jesus as their Savior).
We had quite a variety of sinners on this trip, Blacks, Gays, Mexicans, Terrorist Muslims, Hindu Voodoo Priests, Commie Japanese, and many more. One group was missing though, The Dutch. It turns out that when my security team offered some wooden shoe wearing, Windmill humpers a free ride just for listening to the word of the Lord for awhile, they shrieked like a banshee and ran out of the tunnel in to the sunlight and burst into flames.
Once we were underway and everybody was enjoying their snacks and getting comfortable in their own private seats, I began reading from the Bible. I started with this verse, Leviticus 22:44-45, which reads “Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.” This got the attention of the Blacks and Chineses, Next up were the gays.
For them, I read Leviticus 20:13, which reads “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.” Now they were listening as well, time for the Terrorists.
This one is a little tricky because they already think they are “Religious” and following God’s will, so I had to think on my feet. Thankfully, I am a Biblical Scholar and have the entire Bible memorized. I gave them this to chew on: Isaiah 60:6-7 “A multitude of camels shall cover you, the young camels of Midian and Ephah; all those from Sheba shall come. They shall bring gold and frankincense, and shall proclaim the praise of the Lord. All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered to you, the rams of Nebaioth shall minister to you; they shall come up with acceptance on my altar, and I will glorify my glorious house.” and I explained it to them as this “These are all sons of Abraham, children of the East, Arabs, forefathers of the Terrorist Muslim people”.
Now they were all hooked and ready for conversion, and all of this happened before the very first stop. When we arrived at the stop, many people were so overwhelmed by the power of God’s Word that the Demons in their souls tried to make them leave the train, thankfully I had instructed the Conductor not to open any of the doors to my Private car until we reached the designated stop. If I had not done that, many of these people’s souls would be burning in Hell Fire for Eternity.
I could see that word of my Mission trip had been spreading already, because when we were at that stop, hundreds of people were banging on the doors and windows of my car trying to get on board to hear the word of God. I wish I could have let them all on, but they hadn’t been cleared by security and it is easier to witness to a smaller group of people.
I proceeded to the conversion portion of the ride once I had soothed the Savages with some chocolate bars and popcorn. Rom.3:23 “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” and John.14:6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by Me”, had them weeping, screaming and speaking in tongues. I could feel Satan withdrawing from that Subway Car, a cold rush of air came blasting through, sandwich wrappers, chocolate bars and styrofoam cups of grape drink were circling in the air and suddenly flew towards me, God’s Servant, in a violent wave one after another. I knew this was just Satan trying to stop me from keeping 30 souls out of Hell. So I continued, knowing I didn’t have much time before the final stop, I pulled out the big guns: Rev 14: 10-11 “He shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels, and in the presence of the Lamb: And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever;” At this point, I could tell that Satan had released his sticky hold on the sinful species of humans on board that car. Many have tears of joy in their eyes, others were laughing like giddy schoolgirls and even more just sat with their mouths wide open in awe of the Lord’s marvelous gift that He has given us all.
As we pulled up to the final stop, everybody rushed off of the subway car in order to go share the Great Gift of Salvation that I had given them with their friends and families. I was not worried that none of them thanked me for saving them, because I do this work out of the kindness of my heart and all for the Lord Jesus Christ.