Dealing with Sister Uterine
Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. John 13:1
I can’t stay in Sedona, Arizona, for more than a couple of days. On day three I get a headache and frankly, the novelty of burning sage starts to jar my nerves.
My sister, Bridget Lynn, lives in Sedona. It is a bit of an embarrassment for most of our Christian Appalachian family. After the naked wolf-spirit blessings incident at Uncle Cleatus’ funeral, the entire Beecham tribe and my own clan are weary of her visits. She enjoys a near celebrity notoriety in our sleepy mountain hometown. We try to visit her instead.
In the great family lottery of “Who Will Visit Bridget Lynn” I always seem to pick the slip of paper with the black dot or kindly volunteer if one of the ‘spiritually brittle’ is selected. Some years I look to the Shirley Jackson story as one of hope. This year would be one example.
Bridget Lynn is and always has been different. The mold, if there ever was one, was broken and hopefully scattered. My sister is a very successful businesswoman, owning several soap and emollient franchises. She holds patents on numerous processing methods for mud concoctions and salves used in select US and European spas. She is married to Walter, who is rumored to work for some three letter government agency and hails from East coast money. The family rarely sees him but he is quiet, good to Bridget and seems to tolerate her.
I received a Bing alert just this morning regarding Bridget Lynn’s erectile enhancement elixir. Questions have arisen regarding the content, including what might be significant parts per million of reticular Gila venom. The potion is under review by the FDA. Frankly, I’m blind to her genius and entrepreneurial appeal.
I arrived in Sedona near sunset. The landscape is breathtakingly beautiful. As the sun prepares for night, an eruption of reds, gold, pinkish orange and purple appears as if the meeting of sky and earth creates a violent, visibly passionate oxidizing reaction on the horizon. In the end the explosion of color leaves the red rocks and vistas muted with the aged patina of twilight. Seeing such beauty in nature makes me hopeful this trip will be a rekindling of the aging sisterhood between us.
Bridget’s handsome Craftsman style home is nestled in the cradle of Doe Mountain. I stepped from the car and inhaled deeply the eventide scent of Sedona. I sensed no living presence in the house, which was odd. Usually Bridget Lynn will greet me when I arrive or can be found embracing cacti with love and affirmation nearby. Baby Jesus bless her heart, she tries.
I spotted a note left on the front door.
“Praise Gaia, you’ve arrived safely! I’m communing with my beetle spirit in the tabernacle of joys – B” the note read. For some car stranded stranger this enigmatic code would hold little meaning, but I knew exactly what she meant. I walked back to the car, opened the trunk and removed my rolling carry-on bag. Slipping on my nighttime readers with the mini-mag-lites duct taped to the sides I began down the somewhat smooth red stone path to the “tabernacle”. Our loving hillbilly family laughingly refers to her encampment as “Bridget’s Bivouac”. Others might call it a yurt or nomadic tent.
I kept my head low so my reader-flashlights could illuminate my path and catch the reflective eye of a viper or shape of a scorpion. I wished I had the ultraviolet light with me Mister gave me for Christmas. Before I could ponder much more, I passed through what seemed like a sonic veil. One moment I was walking in silence and the next I could hear bongos and see Bridget Lynn’s yurt.
After fumbling a few times finding the entrance flap, I finally stepped into the tent. My mouth dropped and the bongos stopped. “Welcome Bleasis!” a familiar voice boomed as five middle aged naked women stood and rushed towards me. The women made forearm defensive motions and covered their eyes as I gazed from one face to another. I thought for a second there the women were doing some kind of rehearsed welcome dance. I was just mistakenly blinding them with the bright beams emanating from my readers. I probably should have studied cultural anthropology with my sharp observation and objective thinking.
I took off my readers and hugged Booger. As sisters born a mere 10 months and 3 weeks apart, we learned each other’s name at a critical time in our childhood development. ‘Bleasis’ is a combination of baby speak ‘Blanche’ and ‘sister’. ‘Booger’ is a combination of ‘booger’ and ‘booger’. Bridget was a well-known booger eater, something I pointed out at every opportunity growing up.
Perhaps in an effort to make me more comfortable, everyone put some clothes on. I personally don’t care for the habit of nudity amongst middle-aged female strangers. I can see that form at home in my own bathroom.
We all sat in the communal conversation pit which consisted of rich fabric pillows and some Moor inspired upholstered mushroom stools that served as tables. We ate humus and some nutty, sundried chip things. I was getting pretty tired when I noticed everyone was wearing white flimsy flip flops. Something was oddly familiar about them, but my brain was really too tired to process. Booger noticed my zoned out gaze.
“I think Bleasis needs some sleep” my sister announced. “Tomorrow she meets her new vagina and we need her well rested.” I struggled to understand that last bit.
“New vagina?” I asked.
“Well, it is a surprise, but tomorrow we will be welcoming your new menopausal vagina!” The ladies all had these goofy, cult like grins on their faces. “Bleasis, this is our gift to you. Tomorrow morning we will rise with the sun and then visit each of the four spiritual vortexes so Gaia may bless your uterine health and renew your vagina with vitality!”
“M’kay.” I turned and headed toward the sleeping area where there was a big futon setup. I fell onto the low bed, fully clothed and dazed. I must of lost track of time when Bridget Lynn slipped into the bed next to me.
“M-so tired” I said.
“Must be the colostrum in the humus. The first time can be like a sleeping aid. You’ll sleep like a baby. Love you, Bleasis.” she said.
My stomach rolled in disgust, understanding the meaning of her words before my brain. I then realized why those flimsy flip flops looked familiar; they were made out of sanitary napkins. I tried to summon an evening prayer as sleep began shutting down my thinking and my breathing became slow.
Bridget is sky to my earth. She gathers energy from my still waters and brings torrents of rain, but in the end she carves deep canyons of understanding and patience in me. Faith might color her clouds, but needs me to grow. Somewhere in there was a divine truth struggling to surface, but deep sleep was looming.
“Love you too, Booger” I mumbled.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Blanche Beecham
"Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM
12:31 am
How is this in anyway shape or form news? Slow day on christwire eh?
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1:12 am
Some of the finest writing on Christwire all week and this is your imbecilic reply? Your idiocy is beyond shameful.
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2:29 am
Blanche’s piece is a compelling, poignant, heartfelt human-interest story written with unflinching honesty.
Do you have no interest in humanity? Do you have no heart? I say again, sir, do you have no heart?
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8:49 pm
I probably took it out, I’ve got several of them laying around.
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1:09 am
I hope I receive an autographed copy when the collected writings of Blanche Beecham make it into fine bookstores, my friend. Let me just say this piece was simply a triumph. I felt like I was there in Sedona, in that nasty yurt with all those crazy hippies. I have heard stories about Arizona and know that this sort of new age nihilism is quite popular there. How tough it must be for the Beecham clan to deal with Bridget Lynn’s flights of fancy but if she’s anywheres near sweet as you Blanche, I’m sure she’s wonderful.
Funny enough, this is the sort of world that imagine Claire will inhabit one day, once she’s finally given up on New England and the snow. I would think many people out there own cats and there’s probably a need for a “cat shaman” or some such. I can just see Claire with her hemp bag of zygote crystals and healing quartzs driving around town in a handpainted Chevy Chevette, listening to World Music from Guyana and letting the hair on her ankles grow out. She’ll probably have a ponytailed pot smoker/aura specialist named Stanley move in with her, along with the 12 members of his mariachi band, and they’ll talk late into the night about “Taking down the 1%” and how much they love composting from their own toilet. Oh Claire, how I still have hopes that you’ll get on track before all that happens to you!
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1:26 am
Thank you Stephenson. This is part of a three part essay on faith and family I’m preparing over the coming weeks. My next essay, “Meeting the New Vagina in a Spiritual Vortex isn’t Fun at All” should be Submitted soon. I’m even including helpful tips on how to spot a stroke. My neighbor calls me the Junie B. Jones of faith! How about that!?
I agree that our little Claire is on a water slide of doom in the area of relationships. Poor thing is just tragic. I worry she will never know the joys of womanhood. Braiding arm pit hair is just no way to live!
Kind regards,
BB
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1:33 am
From what I understand, Sedona is close to the Grand Canyon so I hope you got a chance to drive up there and peek at the crater. There’s also some pretty Indian country out there, and they have rattlesnake sandwiches and fun like that! I especially like those road stop places with all the knicknacks, the Indian jiggeragews and doodads and such. I bought Mother a rug on one of those trips though she cut a hole in it and wears it like a Mexican sweater these days. You can spill quite a lot on them without showing a stain. Anyway, it sounds like a fascinating trip though the new agers certainly make me giggle. They’re always praying over rocks and feeling each other’s halos and goodness, they never shower.
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1:41 am
The last time I visited that area, there seemed to be blue beads everywhere. I’m not sure if the shop lady had filled the place with some weird hallucinogenic smoke, but I could ahve sworn at one point I was floating through the Grand Canyon and then awakened again right around the Sedona area. Maybe all those Indian spirit rituals hold a tighter, mindbending reality than we give credit.
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8:44 pm
Right, I’m sure it was that and not the weed you stole from someone and got high off of later that not.
By the way, I was being sarcastic.
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2:51 am
Stephenson, I am literally (not figuratively) crying with laughter after reading your comment. Not because I misapprehended some comedic intent on your part — much to the contrary.
Mine are the most bitter of tears. There is the saddest of Shakespearean tragicomedy in the fact that what you say is so true, and yet the people who need most need to hear it will thoughtlessly, brainlessly reject it or tl;dr it.
Everything you say is needed. I implore you: care not that your seed falls on stony ground, just keep spilling it.
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12:23 pm
The truth is I love Claire… almost as much as Blanche! We all do.
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1:39 am
Beautiful work, Blanche!
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11:19 am
“I hang out with one (1) boy, but only because he’s the boyfriend of one of my friends.”
That proves you really are a man-hating dyke.
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2:00 am
My young cousin Rachel loves Sedona. She flies the whole family down there every October to enjoy the clear Arizona skies. She is married to a famous Hollywood person, so she really goes all out. Some of the people down there are a little off, nice, but off.
But back to your story. How wonderful it is for you to put up with your sister. And how you learned each other’s names, that is so precious. I can wait to read more of this trilogy. And am so sorry that Claire stunk up the comments so quickly. I don’t know why she is tolerated, but while golfing with TB3, he hinted Pastor Jack sees her as kind of a pet.
I do love the Arizona sunsets. We have nice ones here too but the beauty of the mountains hides the sunset a bit.
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12:27 pm
From the photos you can tell it’s a great place for sunsets. Something about that clear mountain air. It’s usually too damp and cloudy here in Tennessee and if you’re in town or whatnot you don’t get these sort of vistas. Doesn’t Sarah Palin live there in Arizona now? I can understand why. Maybe she does have an affinity for John McCain after all… In any event, the state has some decent conservative roots, though I’m not exactly sure if there’s respected for their Christian-ness. Can’t be any worse than the Mormons to the north in Utah, the liberals to the west in California, or those methampetamine dealers to the east in New Mexico (just the other day I read about a public school teacher there who was caught as the region’s major meth producer).
But the new agers, arrggghhh!!!! They drive me nuts.
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11:39 am
There’s a bunch of hippie commie communes in Arizona smoking peyote from what I read and not to mention the various ethnics. They like to conjure up psychedelic brews that make you see frightening hallucinations.
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7:59 am
Slightly amusing. A little too long for my taste. Sounds like your sister is a tree hugger. Takes all sorts to make a world, I guess. My father went to Arizona once with my uncle, but I never really stayed there.
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12:29 pm
Yes, I suppose it’s far more complex than the backs of the Lucky Charm boxes you’re used to reading.
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12:37 pm
L.O.L!!!!
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8:45 pm
Billings, why are you jealous of the reading abilities of others?
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9:05 pm
Are you even trying to make sense any more? Or can’t you help being so stupid it hurts the rest of us?
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9:15 pm
That might be insulting, if it wasn’t for the fact it came from you.
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9:31 pm
Some day you’ll beg for my forgiveness. And you know what? I’m man enough to give it to you.
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9:45 pm
And I want your forgiveness why? Especially when I’ll laugh when you’re dead, considering you’re a monster, I have no need nor want your forgiveness, since you rape children and you thoroughly enjoy doing such a thing.
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9:50 pm
“The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” –Psalm 103:8-12.
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10:39 pm
Than why did he let the holocaust happen?
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10:42 pm
The Lord works in mysterious ways my friend. Ours is not to ask why but to do the very best to fulfill His wishes while on earth.
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10:46 pm
1) Billings, you didn’t answer my question. Why would I ever want your forgiveness when I hate you?
2) Using ‘God works in mysterious ways’ is nothing more than a bullshit answer that does nothing except make you stupider.
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11:15 am
Stop pouting because your penis is 3 inches
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8:48 pm
I completely agree. two apples are better than one, if you have two, and one’s not enough, the second one should fill in quite nicely. Even so, a second apple can be given to a friend so you can enjoy tasty fruit together.
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12:22 am
I LOVED this. What a beautiful story. Bravo!
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1:20 am
Cat fight! Rrreeooowwww! (Just watch it, she has those crazy long high gloss fingernails!)
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1:24 am
More proof Claire does not read the articles and only stalks us.
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1:21 am
When you’re older that cold will wreak havoc on your joints, make you back muscles ache with stiffness and some mornings you’ll dream that shoveling the walk will give you a heart attack just like the local news keeps warning you about. Yes, life in the cold is dismal.
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1:28 am
The Latina has long fingernails, as is her ethnic custom.
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1:36 am
Rrrreeeooooowww!!!!
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3:12 am
*Sigh* You can always count on liberals to once again lower the tone of discussion ..
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8:47 pm
“*Sigh* You can always count on liberals to once again lower the tone of discussion ..”
Well, we have to make sure you can keep up, considering your level of intelligence. Did I go too fast for you there?
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1:29 am
Have you even met me, much less smelled my breath?
You don’t even know what credentials are, yet you have been asking for them for years.
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1:38 am
Claire, Blanche has blessed us with an excellent piece of prose and you’d rather hijack this thread to talk about swallowing a man’s privates? You are absolutely nasty tonight.
We all sat in the communal conversation pit which consisted of rich fabric pillows and some Moor inspired upholstered mushroom stools that served as tables. We ate humus and some nutty, sundried chip things. I was getting pretty tired when I noticed everyone was wearing white flimsy flip flops. Something was oddly familiar about them, but my brain was really too tired to process. Booger noticed my zoned out gaze.
I wish I was a fly on that wall! It sounds utterly fun!
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1:42 am
My evidence:
“Journalistic credentials indicate that a person has been verified as working for a known publication.”
Do you deny he produces official work for chrisTwire? Because he does. I even have a little I can show if I want to interview someone to prove I am affiliated with this site and not someone trying to scam people. It has a watermark and everything.
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1:44 am
*little card
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5:35 pm
Well debate that fact and not his credentials. Because he does have credentials. And the USOC recognized my credentials and I get press access to several Olympic trials this year.
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8:35 pm
3 reasons. The back of the card says it is not to be reproduced. But that isn’t a good reason, he could find a way around it etc (he is a star in the fellowship)… No matter what he shows you, you would cry foul… And probably the biggest reason, it’s funny watching you beg.
I could understand you wanting other things, but credentials? Please, that’s silly.
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8:41 pm
So August, what you’re saying is, Billings is a liar.
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9:36 pm
LN, lied about what?
Claire,
Billings has lots of certificates honoring his work. Some of his masterpieces have won many awards, “Is My Husband Gay” was famous worldwide.
But please stop asking for credentials, that’s just silly. You could create your own website, and make your own credential for it. Billings just happens to write for a website that gets millions of hits*.
*hits are independently verifiable.
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9:48 pm
If anything, he’s certifiably insane.
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11:12 am
I’d rather live in a “God Complex” than an atheist ghetto.
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1:30 am
Idiot
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2:58 am
I love Patrick Stewart.
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1:35 am
Could you possibly be any more bitter? I am trying to help you, offer you a little life advice. No reason to attack me! Have you ever been outside of New England? You’re so provincial and homespun sometimes CLaire. You really need to broaden your horizons one day.
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5:21 am
Living the life of a barren spinster with only cats for company is dismal. I can only hope for your sake you come to your senses and don’t end up as one of those sad old women who dies in a stinking flea-pit full of strays and is only found months later.
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8:43 pm
Billings, why do you feel the need to insert yourself into the lives of others?
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9:04 pm
Yes.
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9:14 pm
Ladies and gentlemen, Stephenson Billings as Retard of the Year.
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9:30 pm
So LN, what did you think of Blanche’s story?
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9:44 pm
Didn’t read it, but I’m not commenting on it, I asked you why you feel the need to insert yourself into other people’s lives, and what did you say? “Yes”. Only a retard would seriously answer like that.
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9:48 pm
I think this is a story which you might feel connected with and I think you would be a fool not to read it. It speaks about the type of person who seem to celebrate, so foolishly and needlessly. Yes, it is worth a read in my opinion. Go for it, my friend!
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10:44 pm
So what you’re saying is, you are indeed retarded, since you never bothered going back to the subject of the fact that you answered ‘yes’ to a question that it couldn’t answer properly for.
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7:21 am
Stupid christian!!
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9:15 pm
You love homogays.
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10:35 pm
YES YOU ARE CORRECT. I LOVE THEM. WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSULT?
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11:06 pm
It hurts me to say it but I love Claire too. Pastor Jack specifically mentioned in his radio address that we must love all God’s creatures, even Claire.
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11:12 pm
Shit August, what the hell are you high on? That’s gotta be some potent shit you’re doin’ there.
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11:14 pm
Law, so you are saying somone would have to be high to “love Claire?”
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11:17 pm
The fact that you think Ass-Jack has a radio address is what gets me.
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11:21 pm
Are you guys only here for the comments? You don’t buy the book, listen to the radio, come to live events… Nothing?
Nice name calling….. Have you even read any artilces of his.
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11:29 pm
If he’s supporting a bunch of racist, xenophobic, sexist assholes like you, then that’s all I need to know about the guy.
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11:10 am
I just hope Claire reads this. She needs to know that there are people out there who do indeed love her, despite all the terrible mistakes she’s made with her life.
Even if you’ve made poor choices with your liberal politics, your obsession with juvenile pop culture trends and useless lazy boys in their hipster hats, there is hope you can change! That’s really the lesson for Claire here today.
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10:51 am
“She needs to know that there are people out there who do indeed love her”
I’ve known for the past 21 years that there are people out there who love me – my parents and my friends.
“despite all the terrible mistakes she’s made with her life.”
Care to name them? In your next comment please make a list of all of my “mistakes”. You’re probably too much of a chicken shit to comply with my request, but I’ll ask anyway.
“Even if you’ve made poor choices with your liberal politics”
Explain how my liberal politics were a poor choice.
“your obsession with juvenile pop culture trends”
Perhaps you have me mistaken for someone else? Wait, no, I forgot, you’re just an arrogant son of a bitch who THINKS he knows everything about those around him when in fact he couldn’t be more wrong about them! If you knew me at all one of the first things you’d notice was that I’m FAR from trendy and don’t give two shits about pop culture.
“useless lazy boys in their hipster hats”
I hang out with one (1) boy, but only because he’s the boyfriend of one of my friends. He’s a business major at my school, far from a “hipster”, and I doubt either of us know what a “hipster hat” looks like.
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11:14 pm
Oh! What a nice couple.
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11:20 pm
Hahaha, they aren’t really a couple. Although I know that Sir Ian Mckellen is gay.
……
OR ARE THEY? XD
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1:12 am
That picture is quite disgusting.
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1:19 am
Personally I think it’s quite sweet. But that is my own opinion, and you are fully entitled to yours dearie.
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1:21 am
Fine. That is your opinion. But I think that the fact that Sir Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart can joke around like this without fearing prejudice is quite awesome and amazing.
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