With gas prices soaring to all new highs for the fourth time this year, America has no choice but to nuke Iran. Or at least bombard the terror-loving nation with neutrino bombs.
I do not know about you, but $4.29 per gallon is not the American future our forefathers wanted us subjected to when we broke the shackles of foreign oppressors, subjecting us to obscene market inequalities. Our founding fathers and the brave men who stood after them dreamed of a dominant America, a country whose mere stamp of the foot causes a cold chill of reverent respect to fall upon the lesser countries.
And through the years, such it has been. We handily kicked the redcoats back across the ocean, twice. We made waste of the Spanish armada and quelled the Indians and Mexicans who used to infest our bold country’s promised land of Manifest Destiny. When the Godless Nazis and Japanese tried to dominate Earth and pollute humanity with a perverse form of socialism, America stood bold.
And even the Big Red Menace, Soviet Russia, found itself economically punished by God himself for stealing our nuclear birthright from the Almighty. America is the land of the free and the home of the brave. But how can our country be free, brave and protecting the world if we’re paying $4.29 a gallon.
The Arabs and Persians owe us. We saved them from the Nazis and have tried to bring the light of civilization to their lands. Have the Kuwaiti people already forgotten who saved them from Saddam? The Iraqis, Egyptians and Libyans, do they know their American master? These people have tasted but a bit of our freedom and we have heroically sacrificed so much for them, so they can more than give back to us. In their hearts, they want us to lead them. They really do.
The Iraqis know they owe us all the oil in our country. If not for America, Udday and Hussay Hussein would still be riding their streets, ravaging their women and making roadkill of their men. What horrible, horrible people. But noble President George HW Bush I and his successor, President George W. Bush II, under the unction of timeless advisors like Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld, lead the American people to bring reason to barbarism, Christianity to a desert paganism devoid of technology and infrastructure.
The Iraqis and all the other Arabs we have freed understand that the course to freedom is paved by the labor of love and fueled by the flowing of life’s greatest gift: oil. To move to God, they must fuel America’s heart to bless them and pray for them. And what greater gift than the holiest oil of all: unlimited access to their sweet crude.
Friends, Iran stands in the way of the Arabian’s destiny to finally break themselves of the shackle of primitive existence and into the harmonious future provided by a capitalistic Democracy based on Republican edict and Judeo-Christian principles. But to freely get the oil we deserve from these people, and to make them stewards of good faith, we must destroy Iran. They have had their chance to repent, but they continue to stand against us. They continue to be duplicitous and make words against God’s first chosen people in Israel.
Beyond all things, we must take Iran seriously and cannot dismiss their threats to build nuclear arms. We must strike them first and we must remember that we must remember one truth: conquest is easy, control is not. We cannot control the terrorists of Iran, but we can soundly conquer them. And to fix our economy, bring peace to the world and fuel our cars for less than $4.29 a gallon, it is what we must do.
It is our moral obligation to dominate the Middle East. Be blessed friends, and let us pray that Congress votes to invade the world’s greatest obstacle for America’s liberation from high gas prices.