• Is My Child Engaging In Oral Sodomy?

    February 15, 2012 2:06 pm 82 comments
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  • In a world full of angry liberals, flashy homosexuals and jolly fat men obsessed with technicolor ponies, it’s no surprise that many of our more misguided youth are engaging in unGodly intimate procedures. However, it hasn’t been this bleak in American schools since the 80s. The sinning is getting even stranger and much more macabre. But there are two new methods that stand out the most. Both are forms of oral sodomy, one named Tostada Faceplant and the other named Slurping the French Fry.

    Tostada Faceplant: A Shocking Method of Exploring the Intricate Female Baby Funnels 

    Don't dig in!! The most popular fornication method used by young, confused lesbians and rebellious young men with a passion for fish, the Tostada Faceplant is unsettling at best, nauseating at worst. A lady’s southern flower pot is not to be tampered with except after marriage, and even then it is frowned upon by Jesus unless it is exclusively for the sake of reproduction. If your daughter has a large amount of female friends, it’s almost guaranteed that they may experiment with probing each other’s internal tuna sandwiches. Okay, so we know that the ladies’ venus man traps are being infiltrated by other children, none of whom the teenage lady is married to. But the most disturbing part is that the body part used to perforate these young ladies’ nether regions are other children’s mouthes.

    A woman’s menstrual blood is extremely toxic and if you touch it, you are touching an aborted soul. Beyond the inherent grossness, it is also a method of spreading pro-abortion propaganda to youth. They don’t care about the dead babies ejecting from their lady funnels in the form of rancid blood. When a woman is menstruating and engages in a tostada faceplant, the term for what the scavenger does is called “drinking the salsa”. Tostada faceplants are an extreme form of liberal brainwashing, and like the french fry slurping, are to be hidden away from the Christian household.

    French Fry Slurping: The Wrong Thing To Do With A Satan Snorkel

    Eat them, don't suck 

    Like the above example of oral sodomy popular among youth, french fry slurping is a vile and inhumane way to express romance with one’s romantic partner as well as others. This tends to be a very common way for women to commit female adultery because it can remain extremely subtle and does not involve removing one’s clothes, making it easier to avoid being caught. French Fry Slurping involves a woman or a sexually confused man placing his/her mouth around a serpent scepter, convulsing to the beat of the dubstep and strobe lights surrounding. It is extremely popular at teenage parties and dances, making it a predator towards your child.

    Unfortunately, french fry slurping is an extremely confusing experience that may soon contribute to homosexuality in males. When a boy finds himself the master of another teenage child as they lick the boy’s Jesus rod seductively, he may find this gateway drug to homosexuality quenches his need for satisfaction, but once it is over, he craves more. While women tend to be more interested in a man’s paycheck or number of degrees, gay men want physical satisfaction. They want the allure of hot, sweaty, chiseled bodies colliding like the plane and the twin towers during 9/11, relishing the sensations and celebrating the feeling of two bodies becoming one glorious unified item of Greco-Roman masculinity. Once your child engages in french fry slurping, he may never go back, which is why this is such a big deal.

    How Can I Tell if My Child Has Been Doing Oral Sodomy?

    If your child displays one or more of the following attributes, he or she needs extreme intervention and action must be taken immediately.

    • Sweaty foreheads, out of breath from overusing their mouth and vulgar blowing techniques
    • A breath that smells of fast food or rotting fish
    • An undone zipper on one’s jeans
    • 10 or more friends of the same gender
    • Friends who are unnaturally touchy, e.g. may engage in excessive hugging, platonic tackling
    • Goes to parties at least once a week
    • Stays after school for unclear reasons
    • May find themselves caressing their secret regions

    Oral sodomy is an extreme danger to the whole world, and is a proponent of Obama’s socialist regime of unhealthy sharing. Oral sodomy may be used by youth who don’t want to get pregnant, which essentially makes it a form of birth control. This is an extremely rapacious romp of evil and must be stopped, before it plagues the entire world.

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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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