Satan Gives Up Ozzy Osbourne For Lent
Official close to the Osbourne family reveal that at some time around midnight, the “Prince of Darkness” aka Ozzy Osbourne felt he had experienced a medical emergency. An entourage of Ozzy’s peers arrived at Los Angeles’ Cedars Sinai hospital, where after a routined medical examination doctors purportedly found Ozzy’s blood work to show no signs of coagulated LSD, marijuana residue or acid. It was as if ‘he was never a Satanic rock star’.
The hospital’s chaplain was sent in to evaluate Ozzy, to see why he was feeling so odd and after prayers and splashing of holy water, it was determined that Ozzy Osbourne was actually without ‘any Satanic possession’.
Chaplain Mark Kyle reports: “His eyes were clear and I could actually understand each word he said. It was like talking to any member of the House of Lords. We had a good chat about the upcoming Oscars and the unfortunate loss of Whitney Houston.”
Kyle continued, “After much prayer it was revealed to me that Satan has simply lost interest in Ozzy. With so many modern bands out there, using new technology to hurredly shuttle out talentless music that children watch over 100 million times a pop on YouTube or their tablet devices, sneaking Satanic messages into a backwards playing record is cumbersome and just not economically appealing.”
Other clergy express the same sentiment, saying that Ozzy just does not have the Satanic vibe in him any more. No, more Satanic artists like Deadbu5, Deadmau5, Falling in Reverse and Skrillex are taking on the mantle of the ‘Demons of the New Age’.
Kyle quipped, “I guess we can say Satan has given up Ozzy Osbourne for lent”. Here’s to wishing the best for Ozzy Osbourne, and that he responds to our request to do a Christian powered duet with our very own Abe Goodman.
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Author: Tiernan Kincaid
6:23 pm
No Hospital has a chaplain. And Ozzy was never a “Satanic Rock Star”. Satan isn’t real and demons aren’t real.
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7:18 pm
The greatest trick Satan ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
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7:42 pm
But if we believe he doesn’t exist than we can’t be daemonic anyway, and you know what, he doesn’t you can quote that all you like doesn’t make it anymore true.
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7:50 pm
It only shows how foolish you are for letting your guard down against the blazing hellfire.
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6:10 pm
There Is No Such Thing As Hellfire What Is Going Through Your Head When You Comment With Things That Arent Even Real?
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9:18 pm
Cheer up, emo.
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7:58 pm
Well i dont believe in things that there is no evidence of.
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8:03 pm
There’s plenty of evidence of the devil all around.
Pagans, Emosexuals, Homogays, My Little Pony, Japanese porn cartoons aimed at children, Skyrim, Skrillex.
How you don’t see the work of the devil around you is staggering.
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8:10 pm
“Pagans, Emosexuals, Homogays, My Little Pony, Japanese porn cartoons aimed at children, Skyrim, Skrillex.”
Literally none of those are evidence of the devil…
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8:11 pm
Please tell me you are kidding, none of those things are satanic.
1. Paganism is just a religion, you believe in religion right.
2. People can be emo if they want to they arent commiting any crimes.
3. Gays are just people same as you or me, there is nothing wrong with them.
4. My Little Pony is awesome, it teaches you good morals.
5. Japanese porn cartoons aren’t the devils work, they are just porn, if they are aimed at children it is sick, but all bad things doesn’t mean a devil is causing them.
6. Skyrim is just a game nothing wrong with it.
7. Skrillex is simply a musician that simple.
If you want to convince me there is a devil, one bad thing and 6 things which you consider bad and i dont are not proof, a video, strange sonar readings from the earths interior, a supernatural event, those could be considered evidence.
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8:47 pm
http://youtu.be/vcUDYBIrWio
Fine, I’ll play your game.
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9:08 pm
Well at least you are getting closer to relevancy.
1. it could have been fake, it is easy to put any sound over a video.
2. Just because it is a strange sound doesn’t mean it is supernatural, we all hear strange sounds.
3. It had no correlation with satan, it would need to be something that was clearly in corrolation with him, like a booming voice saying “I AM SATAN” or maybe the symbol of the devil burning in mid air.
4. It sounded kinda like an echo from a breaking subway.
Look the problem with this kinda stuff is that if there were any evidence for him that was completely credible and related to satan, it would have been on the news and the whole world will know about it, just face it that there is no proof.
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10:10 pm
“Well i dont believe in things that there is no evidence of.”
You believe that Jesus walked the earth, even though there is no evidence of that.
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10:19 pm
I already cited why.
http://www.bandoli.no/historicalrecords.htm
While there are some good quotes there, it has actually thrown my beliefs about the matter into doubt, i dont know if i believe he was real anymore.
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11:34 pm
Dude, on the other thread, I pointed out that that link in itself points out that there are no contemporary accounts of Jesus having existed.
None of those historians were even born when Jesus was supposed to have died (Tacitus wasn’t born in 20AD, as that site incorrectly states; he was born in 56AD).
To the extent that they mentioned Jesus at all (such mentions of Jesus — such as the “Testimonium Flavianum” in Josephus — were often later Christian interpolations), they were just repreating stories they had been told. Josephus even thought that Hercules was a real person!
The more telling thing, as that page rightly points out, is that the likes of Justus of Tiberia don’t mention Jesus at all.
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10:07 pm
“But if we believe he doesn’t exist than we can’t be daemonic anyway”
Refusing to believe in something doesn’t make you immune from its effects.
Christian Scientists don’t believe in the germ theory of disease, so they don’t take their kids to doctors and so their kids die of curable diseases.
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10:20 pm
But i mean we cant sacrifice things in his name if we don’t believe in him.
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2:46 am
Of course you can. People fake shit all the time.
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10:04 pm
No hospital has a chaplain? Thanks for the laugh, Bigmouth!
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3:04 am
Hospitals do have chaplains you retard. Even public hospitals have them. They provide a worship area akin to a church in the hospital somewhere where people can pray or talk to a chaplain.
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7:01 pm
The most surprising part about this article? That some crazy liberal judge had actually released Ozzy Osbourne from prison. I thought his sentence for writing the satanic “Suicide Solution” and causing dozens of impressionable youth to murder themselves was withOUT parole.
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7:09 pm
He was never put into prison. But he has been sued a few times because of that song but won those cases.
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10:14 pm
He might not have served a prison term but he has spent plenty of time in jail for everything from strangling his wife to urinating on a memorial for those who died at the Alamo.
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10:19 pm
Why? Because fuck them. They were weak. We are stronger now.
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8:46 pm
Omg ozzy is still an prince of darkness and he will always be the prine of darkness since 1979 and he loves by anyone who listens to ozzy osbourne
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8:51 pm
Let me hear you…
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3:00 am
exactly, thank you
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4:30 am
1979? Haven’t you even heard of Black Sabbath?
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11:33 am
yeah and he was in black sabbath as the lead vocals so ha
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4:36 am
These children haven’t heard of anything that predates the skrillex.
Worse than that, they have no interest in learning. They think Black Veal Brides already taught them everything there is to know.
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12:04 pm
I listen to dubstep and rock. ozzy osbroune been in my life since i was little girl. Never mess with some1 who loves ozzy osbourne dearly. Ozzy osbourne taught me how to rock bvb taught me not to make fun of something that looks goth or “emosexuals” emosexual isnt a real word .
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12:57 am
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=emosexual
“(Noun)-A human being, usually unable to determine the sex, mainly because their hair is of medium length, and they wear make-up, male or female. Usually can be found attempting to look “punk” with handkerchiefs hanging out of their pockets and a necktie around their neck even if they are wearing a T-shirt.”
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8:06 am
I don’t use urbandictionary i use the real dictotionary http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Emosexual No results found for Emosexual so you cant trick me to use urbandictionary to look up things that are false!
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8:18 am
You really don’t understand how language works, do you?
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4:46 am
predate skrillex: led zepplin, iron maden, etta james, jimi hendrix, beatles, tlc, lenny kravitz, beethoven, too many more to type. i have heard of black sabbath.
bvb has not taught me everything i need to know, and i for one do have an interest in learning. i want to major in psychology in college, along with a minor in gender and women’s studies. not every one is the same or thinks the same you know.
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5:18 am
Well, I’m glad to hear that! Good luck with your studies.
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6:21 am
Thank you.
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1:34 pm
Whatever happened to Ozzy’s previous band, Styx?
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10:40 am
The end is nott god talking to us!
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12:53 am
I have no idea what you’re saying.
“The End” is a Doors drug song about getting stoned during the war.
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7:46 am
The end is the end of the world because we’re not dieing this year. god isnt real nethier is the devil. I listen to avenged sevenfold,Ozzy osbourne , and black veil brides is rock/metal. I also listen to skrillex (dubstep). i have an hard life,but i don’t complian about shit that are lies!
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7:56 am
Hey, it’s that chick out of Motley Crue back again!
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5:00 pm
Parents should know better than let this music in the house. Its been on the banned list for 30 years now.
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8:14 pm
Forbidden fruit is always the best. Thats why bands that are banned are often went for, because its by far the best type of music.
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