• Satan Gives Up Ozzy Osbourne For Lent

    February 24, 2012 6:15 pm 45 comments

    Official close to the Osbourne family reveal that at some time around midnight, the “Prince of Darkness” aka Ozzy Osbourne felt he had experienced a medical emergency. An entourage of Ozzy’s peers arrived at Los Angeles’ Cedars Sinai hospital, where after a routined medical examination doctors purportedly found Ozzy’s blood work to show no signs of coagulated LSD, marijuana residue or acid. It was as if ‘he was never a Satanic rock star’.

    The hospital’s chaplain was sent in to evaluate Ozzy, to see why he was feeling so odd and after prayers and splashing of holy water, it was determined that Ozzy Osbourne was actually without ‘any Satanic possession’.

    Chaplain Mark Kyle reports: “His eyes were clear and I could actually understand each word he said. It was like talking to any member of the House of Lords. We had a good chat about the upcoming Oscars and the unfortunate loss of Whitney Houston.”

    Kyle continued, “After much prayer it was revealed to me that Satan has simply lost interest in Ozzy. With so many modern bands out there, using new technology to hurredly shuttle out talentless music that children watch over 100 million times a pop on YouTube or their tablet devices, sneaking Satanic messages into a backwards playing record is cumbersome and  just not economically appealing.”

    Other clergy express the same sentiment, saying that Ozzy just does not have the Satanic vibe in him any more. No, more Satanic artists like Deadbu5, Deadmau5, Falling in Reverse and Skrillex are taking on the mantle of the ‘Demons of the New Age’.

    Kyle quipped, “I guess we can say Satan has given up Ozzy Osbourne for lent”. Here’s to wishing the best for Ozzy Osbourne, and that he responds to our request to do a Christian powered duet with our very own Abe Goodman.

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    Tiernan Kincaid

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