• Scandinavia: Home of Emosexuality, Atheism, and Pretentiousness

    February 1, 2012 7:56 pm 74 comments
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  • Scandinavia is a continent full of deceptively beautiful people and deceptively beautiful landscapes. Everyone is tall, blonde, pale and thin. The images we see look like they’re from some fairytale adventure land. But there’s more than meets the eye. Canada’s neighbor to the east, Scandinavia seems to have adopted many of Canada’s sins, but ramped it up to eleven. Beware its tantalizing beautyMany an American Christian Heterosexual Man has found himself being the target of a Scandinavian’s icy curse. They find themselves admiring the Ikea furniture and the symmetrical faces. Unfortunately, the nordic charm can only go so far. The sins that they may find themselves witnessing, or even engaging in, due to the Stepford nefariousness of the continent, are unbearable and potentially life-threatening.

    Scandinavia is made up of almost all of my least favorite countries. Sweden, Finland, Norway, Denmark. They only eat Swedish meatballs, which aren’t even real meat, they just try to intensify the homosexuality, even with the already homoerotic name and sinfully tantalizing shape and size. Every time someone eats one of those, Jesus cries and a baby angel is stolen by one of Satan’s devilish sycophants. They only listen to Satanic metal and ABBA, instead of real American music. The only store is H&M, a store notorious for its rampant promotion of harlotry and the homogay agenda.

    The frozen, barren harshness of shocking emosexuality

    Many of the originally quite stunning citizens of the region have turned to the dark side. The novel, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, brought about a plague of metal music, black hair, piercings, emosexuality and satanism. This plague, a neogothic revival of 80’s level sin, has been spreading to America through messengers like the Black Veil Brides and Marylin Manson. Inspired by their favorite serial murderer terrorist, Anders Bering Brehvik, these evil northern Europeans have embraced a lifestyle that supports the proponents of Satanism.

    Not only that, but the Scandinavians like to brag. They’re all born handsome, much like the majority of Republicans, but instead of having the sincere humbleness of a True American, they show off. They hire lots of women in their government as some sort of liberal ploy, and then show off these women in all of their government pictures. You don’t see Michele Bachmann photobombing every White House picture, why do these dirty Europeans think they can? Not only that, but they like to believe that their socialist health care systems, gay marriage, and education system make life better for citizens. They put propaganda about their supposed math skills and long lifespans into every study that could once have been considered reliable. Top in education? The only important “intellectual” they have is Neils Bohr. America is home of many more superior intellectuals, like the GOP candidates. None of them were brought up in a socialist state. Scandinavia is a land of pretension, and I really don’t see the big deal. America is the land of opportunities.


    Scandinavia is a threat to America. Scandinavia is basically the next Afghanistan except with atheism instead of muslimism. What once could have been thought as a mild ally have only accelerated their evil sin, but America will not be stopped. I urge you all to boycott their businesses, such as Ikea and H&M. Ikea’s furniture is known for carrying bombs. Besides, it’s extremely homosexual. I want my furniture to be like America, handsome, hard-working, Republican and All-American, not like Sweden, effeminate, homogay, sinister and deceptively pretty. America is basically the only safe place on earth. And be prepared for liberal socialist attacks from our seemingly weakly enemy!


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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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