Scandinavia: Home of Emosexuality, Atheism, and Pretentiousness
Scandinavia is a continent full of deceptively beautiful people and deceptively beautiful landscapes. Everyone is tall, blonde, pale and thin. The images we see look like they’re from some fairytale adventure land. But there’s more than meets the eye. Canada’s neighbor to the east, Scandinavia seems to have adopted many of Canada’s sins, but ramped it up to eleven. 
Many an American Christian Heterosexual Man has found himself being the target of a Scandinavian’s icy curse. They find themselves admiring the Ikea furniture and the symmetrical faces. Unfortunately, the nordic charm can only go so far. The sins that they may find themselves witnessing, or even engaging in, due to the Stepford nefariousness of the continent, are unbearable and potentially life-threatening.
Scandinavia is made up of almost all of my least favorite countries. Sweden, Finland, Norway, Denmark. They only eat Swedish meatballs, which aren’t even real meat, they just try to intensify the homosexuality, even with the already homoerotic name and sinfully tantalizing shape and size. Every time someone eats one of those, Jesus cries and a baby angel is stolen by one of Satan’s devilish sycophants. They only listen to Satanic metal and ABBA, instead of real American music. The only store is H&M, a store notorious for its rampant promotion of harlotry and the homogay agenda.
Many of the originally quite stunning citizens of the region have turned to the dark side. The novel, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, brought about a plague of metal music, black hair, piercings, emosexuality and satanism. This plague, a neogothic revival of 80′s level sin, has been spreading to America through messengers like the Black Veil Brides and Marylin Manson. Inspired by their favorite serial murderer terrorist, Anders Bering Brehvik, these evil northern Europeans have embraced a lifestyle that supports the proponents of Satanism.
Not only that, but the Scandinavians like to brag. They’re all born handsome, much like the majority of Republicans, but instead of having the sincere humbleness of a True American, they show off. They hire lots of women in their government as some sort of liberal ploy, and then show off these women in all of their government pictures. You don’t see Michele Bachmann photobombing every White House picture, why do these dirty Europeans think they can? Not only that, but they like to believe that their socialist health care systems, gay marriage, and education system make life better for citizens. They put propaganda about their supposed math skills and long lifespans into every study that could once have been considered reliable. Top in education? The only important “intellectual” they have is Neils Bohr. America is home of many more superior intellectuals, like the GOP candidates. None of them were brought up in a socialist state. Scandinavia is a land of pretension, and I really don’t see the big deal. America is the land of opportunities.
Scandinavia is a threat to America. Scandinavia is basically the next Afghanistan except with atheism instead of muslimism. What once could have been thought as a mild ally have only accelerated their evil sin, but America will not be stopped. I urge you all to boycott their businesses, such as Ikea and H&M. Ikea’s furniture is known for carrying bombs. Besides, it’s extremely homosexual. I want my furniture to be like America, handsome, hard-working, Republican and All-American, not like Sweden, effeminate, homogay, sinister and deceptively pretty. America is basically the only safe place on earth. And be prepared for liberal socialist attacks from our seemingly weakly enemy!
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Christopher Christenson
Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.
8:13 pm
I do not like the Dutch.
http://christwire.org/2011/06/are-you-a-dutch-you-might-be-the-devil/
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9:29 pm
No one likes the dutch. Have you ever used one of their ovens? It makes all the food taste like crap.
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8:21 pm
I do not like Bjork.
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9:30 pm
No one does August, no one.
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8:25 pm
“Ikea’s furniture is known for carrying bombs. ”
Omg rofl, that is hilarious…but of course you actually believe that…
Their furniture may not be of good quality, but they don’t bombs
Why are you guys so freaking paranoid?
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10:50 pm
It’s not paranoia, it’s awareness of our surroundings. I’m sorry that you’re stuck in a myopic paradise.
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10:57 pm
When your afraid some furniture might contain a bomb, that’s paranoia.
And I don’t live in some paradise, I know how much the world sucks. I’m smart enough to know that not everyone is trying to bomb America.
@Taylor: Little racist bitch Bruce Danus didn’t save anybody. As a HUGE racist, he assumed the innocent muslim guy was a terrorist and lied to him.
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1:08 am
Muslim isn’t a race, Pony.
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10:53 pm
VIGILANCE – This is how Bruce Danus was able to save America from another 9/11!
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10:54 pm
No, Bruce lied to another man. Lying is a sin.
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10:58 pm
Stop YOUR lying! Bruce has not lain with a man he is a young divorced man of the gentry class. He’s been through a lot with Claire.
You cannot say he’s laid a man. He is straight!
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11:02 pm
*facepalm*
Ok, NOW I’m convinced that none of Cultwire
He said LIED as in “Bruce told something untrue to some random guy”
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4:31 am
Do you even understand the laws surrounding Grammar?
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8:56 pm
um yeah the thing is Scandinavia is not like that at all. first of all its not a continent its a peninsula, secondly quality of life there is very good i have considered moving there even, third of all its Islam not muslimism, and lastly the GOP candidates are idiots, michelle Bachman doesn’t even remember U.S. history, well i do and the founding fathers did not fight slavery, see by your standards that makes me more american than michele bachman.
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10:51 pm
I’m not even listening to what you say. You are impersonating a great Christian woman and that’s terrible.
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8:17 pm
Since I am partially Norwegian, this article made me angry because it is a lie.
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9:32 pm
Sindinavia has a population of 90% homogay and 77% atheist, with all of the athiest being homogay. Heed and stay clear of this reserve of Satan.
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9:40 pm
If 90% of a population is gay…The people would most likely die because 10% of the population cannot keep a steady enough birth rate to keep a country (Or group of countries in this case) going…
You can have Gay Atheists, but not all Atheists are Gay…That too hard to understand?
Seriously, all you Cultwire guys are good for is making up ridiculous statistics.
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9:43 pm
This is what gays want. To ruin everything.
(say no to gay marriage)
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9:45 pm
Homosexuals are just people (like you and me) who just want to be happy (like you and me)
(Say yes to gay marriage)
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10:00 pm
honestly gay means happy they don’t want to ruin everything they are normal people like you and me what is wrong if they like the same sex.
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10:43 pm
They are ruining everything, they ruined the word GAY didnt they
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10:49 pm
They didn’t really ruin the word “gay” though…Meanings of words can change
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4:38 am
I highly doubt that gay people would face rejection and shaming just to make you uncomfortable.
I say yes to Gay Marriage, and I’m Catholic.
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9:41 pm
um yeah thats not true, you are pulling facts out of you’re ass except the atheist part which is only off by 1% (at least in sweden)
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9:41 pm
As you may remember, the buildings were made from girders crossing each other, and in the rubble some Christians found a pair of girders still welded that closely (not exactly, but closely enough) resemble a Christian Roman Cross.
The cross has become a Christian icon. It has been blessed by so-called holy men a few times, and presented as a reminder that God, in his infinite power of goodness, who couldn’t be bothered to stop the Muslim terrorists, or stop the fire, or hold up the buildings to stop 3000 people from being crushed, cared enough to bestow upon us some rubble that resembles a cross. Ridiculous.
This cross is set to be included in the official WTC Museum. No other religions or philosophies will be honored. It will just be a Christian icon, in the middle of OUR (as in Americans) museum. This will not happen without a fight.
We love this country, and our constitution. We honor the dead and respect the families, which is why we will not allow the many Christians who died get preferential representation over the many non-Christians who suffered the same fate. This was an attack against America: not Christianity. Christianity does not deserve special placement just because the girders look like their religious symbol.
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10:06 pm
These Viking heathens should have all been slaughtered the minute they started raiding Christian villages in the Middle Ages. Perhaps it’s not too late to launch our own crusade?
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10:54 pm
Great idea, Felton! We might as well also take our crusades to Canada, Australia, Asia, Africa and England while we’re at it!
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10:56 pm
Yeah, attacking world powers is a GREAT idea. Please do it so they can all launch nukes on YOUR asses.
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11:23 pm
We all wait for this.
I highly think Christopher is a megalomaniac and I highly think he don’t know the consequence to attack all of these country/continent, while using the name of christianity to do so
I will explain clearly
1. By attacking all these countries/continents at Once ( or one by one ) You will have the entire world at your back
2. Many american didn’t support imperialism or conquest if you prefer
3. Using christianity as a reason and excuse to invade other countries/continents will show that christian are simply a Big bunch of genocidal maniac and racist(I generalize because you will use christianity as your “flag”)
4. also after the entire world destroy USA ( or the people who actually Invade them) they will Ban christianity and surely other religion as well
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8:23 pm
You would die like, instantly. To add insult to injury you would be killed by the AMERICAN MILITARY, idiot.
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10:23 pm
While Scandinavia is a stinkhole of vile sin, Gert Wilders at least gives me a glimmer of hope that they may one day overcome their base nature.
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10:37 pm
I agree, brother Julian.
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10:29 pm
All of them are disgusting in some way.
Sweden is filled with nothing but ladyboys. Norway is a socialist indoctrination camp that a martyr such as Anders Breivik helped put a stop to. Finland is just another Asian dominated Chinese nation.
Don’t even get me started on their fully satanist realization of rock music.
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10:37 pm
Amen.
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10:38 pm
Yet everything you stated, “ladyboys”, “socialists”, rock music is all in America. Rock music came from America. So by your standers, America is the worst of them all. It’s population is 80% homosexual. Most because Christian.
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10:48 pm
All of America’s moral degradation is 100% imported from foreign shores (much like the blacks themselves)!
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4:42 am
And yet it was white, Christian nobleman who brought them here against their will.
Also, we’re the ones who came here. Native Americans were here first, and now look what happened. We would have been much better off living in the woods and worshiping beavers.
(Well, at least my father thinks so. But he’s still Catholic. He just miffed about the destruction of nature thing that Christian’s did when Christopher Columbus came over and started slaughtering the natives.)
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8:22 pm
Metal is an American staple. Come on? Where do you think Megadeth and Metallica came from? What about All That Remains, Killswitch Engage and As I Lay Dying? They all define metal and THEY ARE ALL AMERICAN!!! I get the lulz when I see your ignorance.
BTW, I’m British/Norwegian/German/Italian.(and several more, but I do not recall them at the moment)
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10:33 pm
“I want my furniture to be like America”. You do know almost everything we have is made in China right?
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10:36 pm
There are many independent True American furniture stores that carry wood furniture made from American trees in American woodshops. If you’re buying IKEA, yes, it’s made in China. Otherwise, it isn’t that hard to find American furniture. But I wasn’t expecting a thoughtful response about AMERICA from what looks to be a Chinese avatar.
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10:39 pm
It’s a mask. Most likely made in China like everything else we have. True, SOME things are made in America, but most we get from other countries. As for the mask, I’m not quite sure the true origin of it.
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11:37 pm
Most of the “american furniture” are made in europe (ikea is european ) China, Japan, Taiwan and even OH MY GOD CANADA
yes I know it’s surprising
oh a little question what is an american tree ?
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11:52 pm
there are about 500
starting with:
Giant Sequoia
American Basswood
American Beech
American Elm
American Green Alder
American Hackberry
American Holly
American Hophornbeam
American Hornbeam
American Larch
American Mountain-ash
American Plum
American Sycamore
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2:52 am
Giant sequoia we have some in Canada we have all of these tree as well
so I geuss you said “americantree” as in america continent and not america the nation
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10:49 pm
The conscientious shopper is always able to find American made.
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8:24 pm
Metal is all-American music.
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10:39 pm
Crazy Logic time!
If they want they’re furniture to be more American…yet most American furniture comes from China…Then they want to be more like China…Yet Cultwire hates China…So they hate themselves?
Is that how crazy logic works?
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4:45 am
Kind of like how America decided that Pizza is a vegetable because of the tomato content despite the fact that tomato is a fruit. To help the with diabetes problem apparently.
Yup, God Bless America alright.
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10:46 pm
I like keeping my money in a Swiss Miss container so it smells like chocolate. I can tip less, but the recipient feels like it is more!
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10:49 pm
honestly just because someone posts a article doesn’t mean you have to end everything in your life that has to do with it. and by the way switzerland is in the middle of europe, look at a map
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10:52 pm
Shaddup fake Susan! What do you know? Nothing. You know hate and resentment and anger. You look at a map and stop confusing your pie hole with your ears! Listen for once.
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10:57 pm
Fake Susan is like one of those Chinese who sell fake products on the internet, trying to be something great but smearing it with their repulsiveness. Also, that is a great idea, Blanche! Chocolate scents are a great way to make someone feel good even if it isn’t much or that great!
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10:57 pm
Christianity is full of hate and anger.
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10:59 pm
You’re full of used food.
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11:04 pm
You just made my point, but you are right. I did just eat dinner.
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11:01 pm
http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&sa=X&biw=1280&bih=679&tbm=isch&tbnid=BlrrU_xaQKVQ9M:&imgrefurl=http://www.solarnavigator.net/geography/switzerland.htm&docid=uE8EngLUaXDWdM&imgurl=http://www.solarnavigator.net/geography/geography_images/Switzerland_Europe_world_location_CHE_map.jpg&w=627&h=352&ei=XQoqT5GQEJToiAKovrTdCg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=371&vpy=171&dur=1471&hovh=168&hovw=300&tx=165&ty=82&sig=100866120350167523909&page=1&tbnh=113&tbnw=201&start=0&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0
suck it
and i wil stop pretending to be susan if you go to this site and watch the video
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11:09 pm
oh…poor little baby. Did you get your feelings hurt? Did I write an article that made you want to cry?
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12:30 am
Probably more links to child porn.
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11:19 pm
go to this website and i will stop trying to be you
http://www.atheists.org/
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12:52 am
its a image link to prove my point moron you can look it even says safe in the link to confirm its not porn
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1:13 am
I assure you that no one in our congregation is Mormon!
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1:43 am
MORON NOT MORMON frankly none of you could be mormon, mormons are a little crazy but at least they are nice.
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2:53 am
well not mitt romney he is a republican after all
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3:09 am
Please don’t mention that Mormon liberal.
He’s RINO (Republican In Name Only)
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3:11 am
Go figure that the Atheist likes the religion that believes in space gods, pedosexuality, and multiple wives.
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4:50 am
I believe she didn’t say she liked the religion, but the people of the religion because they have nice manners and act like polite human beings.
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4:01 pm
I hate to break it to you, but you’re wrong. Although I’m athiest, I was raised in a strict mormon home for 14 years- and none of what you said is true. What. So. Ever. Mormons don’t believe in space gods, there christan. They arent pedophiles, and we stopped having multipile wives when it became illegal in the late 1800′s. Please know what you’re talking about before you open your ignorant mouth. ^^
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4:48 am
TRUE, Mormons are nice. I’ve visited Utah in the past couple of years and despite the fact there are Churches everywhere, upon realizing I was not of there faith (Catholic) they didn’t shun me or start babbling about their religion they usually nod, say, ‘That’s nice,’ and offer food.
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8:12 pm
I LOVE FINLAND!!!! GO FINLAND!!!!!
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4:51 am
I ALSO LOVE FINLAND!
Do you by any chance read Scandinavia and the World?
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7:19 am
Did you see the Bill O’Reilly report on this place and their drug culture? Pretty frightening. The crime, the drug abuse and the corruption is horrific. HE did a lengthy profile on Amstrerdam and this people sure got upset!
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11:51 pm
I lost my shit at The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo reference, because Salander promotes female empowerment. Also my mom reads them. Repeatedly.
I think every time I’m feeling depressed I’m going to come to this site and laugh at everything, especially during final’s week.
Also, my Mother is a devote Catholic and was raised in a Catholic home, and yet she owns all the ACDC albums and went to a Guns N Roses concert when she was three months pregnant with me. (Don’t go crazy Christians. She was already married !) I’m not atheist, I go to Church, and attend Sunday meetings with my peers, and yes, I believe in Gay Marriage and I love listening to Rock, Metal, and Folk. So I wonder what that says about me.
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8:27 pm
Metal and Folk. Strange combo, must be interesting. I like metal and dubstep.
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