Starbucks: Are You Drinking The Gay?
A good Christian must be cautious with their choices of beverages. It’s a dangerous world out there. You don’t want to drink something homosexual, or something hipstersexual, or something liberal and atheist. But only one line of beverages is all three. Starbucks covers the entire unholy trinity, and it is dangerous to America and to the future of your children.
Starbucks is from Seattle, one of the most dangerous cities in America. Seattle is home of Apple, Microsoft, Nirvana, Boeing, Amazon, Nintendo, iCarly, Twilight and hipstersexualism. Starbucks, through the persuasive socialist marijuana distributed to things that are from or take place in Seattle, has brainwashed every liberal, homogay, and hipstersexual in the world to crowding up their stores and ordering extremely complex beverages that they can take Instagrams of on their iPhones.
Starbucks has finally been revealed as the evil entity of Satan with the news that it supports gay marriage in the state of Washington. Starbucks is additionally responsible for encouraging millions of wealthy young boys to choose to be a homosexual. Starbucks continues to threaten my masculinity with its ubiquitous presence, and if we don’t stop it soon it may turn all of America into a scarf-wearing, Bible-hating gay homosexual hipster before we know it. Starbucks creates extremely colorful drinks that young liberal gays show on their Tumblrs so that people like you and me cower in fear of their misled taste in drinks. This little social community that has brought Starbucks so much money however, is about to ruin America.
As you can see from the data above, Starbucks customers know nothing about politics. Most of them would rather be on reddit through the wifi offered as they drink their fluffy coffee beverages and eat gross cupcake lollipops while updating their tumblrs. They bring enormous sums of money into the company which allows Starbucks an even greater capacity to pander to the democratic party. This is dangerous because it only allows Barack Hussein Obama a bigger margin in the election through brainwashing of children and misled youth, and that just doesn’t sit right with me.
A True American does not drink Starbucks, I implore you to choose something more wholesome when you feel thirsty. Starbucks may implant gay ideas into your mind, and you will be confused and may even start voting democrat. Starbucks is dangerous and instead of drinking their fancy blends, go with something less exotic and colorful. Your life depends on it.
- Sinful
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- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Christopher Christenson
Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.
7:32 pm
could you site your sources for those graphs or were they photo shopped
Hot debate. What do you think?
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8:00 pm
David, how do you Photoshop a graph?
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8:11 pm
find a normal graph that is real and has good ratios to illustrate your point, delete the previous labels and add your own, or alternatively you could make one on excel.
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7:45 pm
Wow, another graph made up on the spot. Would have thought those were over by now.
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7:59 pm
What an excellent article. It is sad to see these naysayers doubting your survey results. Aren’t the results just what they want in America?
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12:32 pm
Well seeing as the options are I wanna get Gay Married and Too Mainstream are the responses, no. Because hipsters are annoying, and people that are gay that want to get married don’t say ‘gay married’ because they view marriage as the same thing. Another is a racist remark that nobody would think, and Princess Celestia isn’t nearly that popular.
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8:53 pm
thats it you make me sick all of you im leaving christwire, thanks for everything atheists you have given me hope for humanity, please defend me against all the negative comments that come my way.
MLP RULES, GO BRONIES!
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9:18 pm
You lose your entire validity when you said Nintendo comes from seattle
it’s only show you didn’t research anything and know anything
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9:24 pm
From Nintendo press release:
“Nintendo of America, Incorporated (NOA), its U.S. division, is based in Redmond, Washington.
Redmond=Seattle
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3:57 pm
No August, Redmond = Redmond. Get a map and look at it once in awhile.
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3:42 am
Americans want their companies and their products to be home made and well made. We don’t need radical politics in the shoes we wear, the sphaghetti we eat or the coffee we drink. When will companies like Starbucks realize this? It’s incredibly inappropriate for this organization to fund a lifestyle that the majority of citizens find abhorrent and harmful. This is a violation of customer’s trust. Definitely the government should not provide any more subsidies to a company like this who secretly funds a radical overthrow of our tradtional values.
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3:55 pm
They sell coffee and they have free wifi, what lifestyle or radical politics are they promoting?
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5:11 am
Do you know how to read? Do you have a comprehension problem? This article details how STarbucks has embraced the radical gay agenda. I don’t think that’s consistent with American values, do you?
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4:55 am
They sell coffee. That’s all they do.
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10:49 am
Spaghetti is Italian.
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9:34 am
I drink starbucks and hang out with my friends there. The future is bulletproof!
The aftermath is secondary!
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8:08 pm
its time to do it now and do it loud..
killjoys, make some noise
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5:19 pm
I HAVE A KILL JOY NAME CHRISTWIRE!
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3:47 pm
I prefer TEA to coffee. good old southern sweet tea
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4:59 am
Susan your not real because suan b anothny had no kids nor husband so who are you?
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6:00 am
I once walked into a Starbucks because I wanted a fresh cup of coffee. The scene in there was deplorable. Greasy bearded beats sitting with beanie wearing ladies in ridiculous striped stockings plugging away at tablet computers while dark flute music played through the speakers. A tv was tuned in to msnbc on closed caption.
I just turned around and walked out and took the lawn mower to the gas station.
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3:14 pm
This has GOT to be a joke. NOTHING about this article can be proven, it’s all made up on the spot!
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11:35 pm
Christopher, you are a satirical genius. Keep on keeping on.
Also I hate Starbucks, but I did most of my college applications there without ordering everything! I just took advantage of the free wifi.
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11:30 pm
Where in the world did you get these sources from? You cannot turn gay just by drinking anything and you cannot influence anyone to be gay. Why in the world would anyone want to choose to be gay knowing that they will have to spend the rest of their lives listening to people like you criticizing them for something they never chose to be. And if you think being gay is a choice then let me ask you something: when did you decide to become straight? I have know since the age of four that I was gay and I was raised by hypocrites like you that do not understand that I did not choose this life and drinking some stupid coffee is not the reason. Also do me a favor and read this passage it may do you a lot of good: Romans 2:1
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10:09 am
This sounds legit it says that a fictional character known as Princess Celestia drinks Starbucks.
lol jk I don’t think Starbucks makes you gay.
I my self prefer tea but I hear Starbucks is a great place to bad I can’t try it since it is not located where I live.
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10:12 am
“Are you drinking the gay?”
You treat Homosexuality as if it were a disease. You make me laugh.
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8:08 pm
Gay drinks? Lulz, who thought THAT up?
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10:34 am
Is this for real? or are you just making fung whacko bible people?
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1:37 pm
@Paul
There’s nothing fake enough when it comes to Starbucks gay crawling inside you ~~
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