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Ted Haggard Returns to the Pulpit Completely Cured
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Brother Johnathan Bane
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Colorado Springs gay Mike Jones New Life Church Ted Haggard
Ted Haggard Returns to the Pulpit Completely Cured
COLORADO SPRINGS – Christians throughout Colorado were thrilled to receive the news that their beloved pastor Ted Haggard has returned to the pulpit after being completely cured of homosexuality. In May 2010 Haggard founded the St. James Church in his hometown of Colorado Springs. According to the Gazette, the incorporation of St. James was just “to keep the accounting in order” for the many paid speaking engagements Ted and his wife Gayle are scheduled to attend around the country.
Several months later Haggard announced that he would be returning to the pulpit and he opened the his St. James Church to the public. Haggard delivered a powerful sermon about forgiveness and compassion; it was his first sermon since Haggard’s fall from grace in 2006. At that time Haggard’s latent homogayness was outed by Mike Jones a Denver male prostitute and drug dealer who supplied methamphetamine to Haggard during their sinful hook-ups.
Jones’ tell-all book is his sexually explicit memoir about his relationship with fallen evangelist over a three year period. In an interview with the Miami Herald Jones revealed that Haggard is a “bottom” who paid Jones regularly to deliver his big blood engorged mayonnaise cannon up the pastor’s tailpipe.
Boy-toy & former male prostitute Mike Jones
Shortly after the evangelical pastor was outed another one of Haggard’s boy-toys came forward, a 20 year old church volunteer approached church administrators admitting that he also had sex frequently with Haggard. Administrators of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, which Haggard founded more than 25 years ago covered up the young man’s confession and paid him off to keep silent. His identity has never been revealed and the church paid to have him relocated outside Colorado.
Haggard’s blatant love of cockus erectus speaks for itself, but to keep his real sexual desires secret, when in church the fallen pastor denounced homosexuality as a “sin” and “devastating for the children of our nation and for the future of Western civilization.”So when news that this hypocritical but popular Christian preacher had been cured and announced he is now “100% heterosexual” Colorado Christians forgave him and welcomed him back with open arms.
New Penis Flavored Gay Away is 100% Guaranteed
Haggard’s amazing recovery from the dark, dank hollows of Satan’s underground homogay world that for years held him in bondage he credits entirely to the recently FDA approved medication known as Gay-Away. Dr. Neil Formee with Back Door Commando Laboratories of Pennsylvania said Gay-Away is completely safe and is guaranteed to cure the most ardent, steadfast homogays. Formee also said that with a 100% cure rate Gay-Away can easily be added to a gay’s drink, cocktail, or food and is completely undetectable. “Parents can now cure their shameful offspring of the gay without anyone having to know,” said Formee.
Haggard continues to deliver his commanding sermons every Sunday at his St. James Church which has seen a steady rise in its membership since Haggard opened the doors last year and welcomed all sinners including the homogays; adding that he wants… “to give them a chance for salvation.” Haggard also provides private counseling sessions to young gay males who are considering going straight.
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Brother Johnathan Bane dedicated his life's work to the service of the Lord when he was a boy growing up in Los Angeles. He has been involved in ministry work most of his life. In 1992 he founded Brother Johnathan's Ministries to provide aid to those impoverished people of Uganda. Brother Johnson lived and worked to develop his ministry in Koya in the Busoga Province from 1999 - 2009. He is now retired and living in Agoura Hills, California where he works as a freelance writer and investigative journalist from home. 
Thank God that Ted Haggard has finally chosen to not be Gay!
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Amen, Brother Julian. It gives me chills just to think of that sneaky homosexualist Mike Jones performing sodomostic acts upon poor Pastor Haggard.
I imagine Jones using his thick, muscular arms to slowly disrobe the quivering Man of God, who trembles in dread anticipation of the devilish delights in store.
Jones then purposefully turns the quailing pastor — whose own luncheon truncheon is already pearling like an oyster — and bends him over the cheap motel bedspread, slipping a couple of lubricated courtesy fingers up his nervously puckered tradesman’s entrance.
He then slowly inserts the full length and girth of his engorged, veiny bowel trowel into the warm, accommodating sanctuary of Haggard’s rectum and begins thrusting with his hard muscular buttocks. Slow at first, then faster and faster, as Haggard’s hands clutch frantically at the bedspread and his oversize teeth bite the pillow.
Locked together like two trapped beasts they would thrust back and forth, back and forth, dripping with sweat and unspeakable primal urges, until at last Jones would tip his dirty love cement into the cavern of Haggard’s rectal mixer and they would both collapse onto the KY-stained bed, Jones’s slowly softening nightstick already retreating from Haggard’s bowels.
I can’t even bear to think about it.
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exbrony I enjoyed reading your rather colorful post. I think I liked your version much more than my own. You’ve got true writing skill & style. Nice post!!!
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For a minute there I thought I was reading Jim Sterling ..
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“I can’t even bear to think about it.”
you couldn’t bear to think about… But you were willing describe the scenario with gross details..
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Now you truly see how vile and disgusting the homogay choice is.
Exbrony that is a 10/10 post! It brings to light in stunning detail how the homogay preys upon men.
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Gay is not a choice you ignorant prick.
Gays do not prey upon men.
If haggard really has come back, why have I not heard about anywhere else? I live in Colorado and nowhere does it say he’s back.
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Gays are predatory by their nature. One of the journalists here told the story of where a gay tried to prey on him in the bathroom, then thought it was funny. I’d say it’s just typical behavior from those people.
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I live with a gay guy and never once has he tried to “prey” on me.
Gays don’t care about straight guys, they only want gay guys. Do you not understand that?
You know NOTHING about heterosexuals.
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Oops, meant homosexual in that comment. Not heterosexual.
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Brother Johnathan, Ex-Atheist, Thank you for your kind words. Like I said, I don’t like to think about this sort of thing at all!
Ouoroboros,
“If haggard really has come back, why have I not heard about anywhere else? I live in Colorado and nowhere does it say he’s back.”
The internet is your friend. You could always check out his website or his wikipedia page.
What you are doing is essentially accusing Brother Johnathan of lying, which makes you look silly at best.
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Well he does have a reputation for lying.
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I don’t think Ourobouros is a liar; I just don’t think he’s very well informed.
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I cant think of anything in which he has said a lie.
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Well why did you just say he had a reputation for lying?
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I was talking about ouroboros.
Jonathan Bane lies.
Ouroboros tells the truth.
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Ouroboros is incredibly naive, even more so than you, tubby Pony.
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With respect, Julian, I fear that you might be underestimating Anonymous Atheist’s naivete.
Here, after all, is a pony who claims that race-car driving “requires absolutely no physical exertion”.
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Oh heavens …
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A fascinating look into the mind of a gaymosexual. I read it several times in a row, and I got quite worked up! I’ll probably read it again in about ten minutes.
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Ted Haggard proves you dont have to be gay.
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He’s a CUM GUZZLING, ASS FUCKInG CON ARTIST!! Go bend over for your idol!!
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Mr Farley, Brother Johnathan has already explained that Pastor Haggard was a “bottom”, which is homosexualist slang meaning that he prefers to be sodomised rather than plunging his own meatstick into another man’s winking eye of love.
You can hardly expect us to take you opinions seriously if you can’t get your own facts straight.
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Good news to hear that Haggard’s made the right choice. I’m sure he will be forgiven and not burn in hell now.
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“I live with a gay guy and never once has he tried to “prey” on me.
You’re most likely not his type, far too old for him.
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We’re the same age…that and he already has a boyfriend, another gay man (imagine that)
If your implying that he only goes for children, you are a sick man who dosen’t know the difference between a homosexual and a pedophile.
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I assumed that you don’t live with these gays out of choice, and that you’re all locked up in the same prison cell or something?
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I live with 1, count it 1, gay guy. We live in an apartment. His boyfriend does not live with us. He has been my friend for awhile now and we share this apartment.
Where did you get the assumption that we were in prison?
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I still don’t understand why your “housemate” and his “boyfriend” don’t onanise their man-yoghurt onto each other’s cum gutters. That seems a strange sort of hang-up for two homosexualists to have.
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Why put “housemate” and “boyfriend” in quotes…
“That seems a strange sort of hang-up…”
Why is that strange? Just because they’re gay dosen’t mean they need to do gay sexual thing there is.
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They are put into quotes due to the strong possibility that this “boyfriend” that you talk about is a mere imaginary construct that you have concockted in order to alleviate your own cognitive dissonance in being a “straight” male living a sin smeared homosexualist lifestyle ..
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No. Just no.
We don’t know each other personally. I could make crazy assumptions all day about you, but that dosen’t mean their right.
I am straight. End of the story.
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How wonderful that Ted Haggard is already inspiring our commentor’s life decisions through his courageous decision to be straight!
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I’ve been saying I’m straight before this damned article, this article didn’t change jack.
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No one else here sports an avatar depicting a serpent whose mouth is penetrated by its own “tail” …
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Do you even know what a snake looks like? That is clearly his own tail moron.
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Masturbation is a sin, but I don’t even know what to call THAT ^^!
Self-administered felatio is vile!
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Let me give you a little lesson you best remember:
My avatar is the symbol of the Ouroboros. Ouroboros stands for infinity. It represents the everflowing cycle of life and death. Forever coming back to the material world.
It has nothing to do with masturbation nor is it “Self-administered felatio” It’s just a snake biting it’s own tail.
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Self administered sodomy!
You bet it’s a cycle of death as you guzzle your own seed!
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Did you even read my comment? The snake is just a symbol. It’s not about masturbation or sodomy at all.
If I had said “basically the idea of reincarnation” would you of actually understood?
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The infidelity of homosexuals is notorious. He’s cheating on his boyfriend and likely whispers in your ear while you sleep.
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Adam, not everyone is like you, alright? Stop assuming gay people have no sense of monogamy.
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It’s scientifically people that people who choose to be gay also choose to have no loyalty to their ‘life partners’. Every state that allows gay marriage has shown at least a 25% percent rate of marriages ending in divorce due to cheating.
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Adam, how about you stop making shit up and stop trying to act smart?
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“It’s scientifically people that people who choose to be gay also choose to have no loyalty to their ‘life partners’”
Did you mean scientifically “proven”? It is not scientifcally proven you moron, it’s just something you’ve made up.
My friend and his boyfriend have been dating since highschool…That would 4 years. Not loyal enough for you?
The “Whispering in my ear” commment is just absurd
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There have been studies done. It is actually an empirical fact that infidelity is statistically more likely to occur in a homosexual relationship than in a heterosexual one, though the reasons for this are probably cultural rather than biological.
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Care to share these “studies” or are you just gonna blow smoke…
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I wonder why it took him so long to make the right choice.
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Obama.
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How does that make any sense?
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It’s great to read some more proof about how this vile gayness can be cured. Hopefully, not too long in the future, all homosexuality will be cured and we won’t have to worry about our kids falling prey to these dreadful people with their appalling taste in fashion.
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Not a big fan of gays but forgiveness when forgiveness is deserved!
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Gays are not pedophiles, get that in your head.
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Ever heard of John Wayne Gacey, Dean Corll, Wayne Williams, Larry Eyler, Elmer Wayne Henley or Jeffrey Dahmer? All gay pedophiles and just the tip of the iceberg.
You seem to have convinced yourself that one can only be one type of deviant at one time, against the overwhelming proof that it is possible to have multiple personality disorders. You for example think Gulags are the answer to society’s problems but you also have a fetish for infant’s toys, who knows what other darkness lurks within that twisted mind of yours?
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You can be gay and you can be a pedophile and you can be both, but being one does not mean you’re inherently the other.
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“, who knows what other darkness lurks within that twisted mind of yours?”
You shouldn’t say someone has a twisted mind when you seem to have been brainwashed by stupidity…
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The only brainwashed posters on here are you and your silly liberal ilk who robotically agree with any inane nonsense you feel you are supposed to. Try thinking for yourself sometime instead of parroting other liberal opinions, you sad shadow of a person.
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You really seem to get things confused. You’re the one mindlessly agreeing with what your fellow retards are saying. How about you all come up with something new, Squawks?
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“… robotically agree with any inane nonsense you feel you are supposed to”
You’re the one who believes everything CW posts. You don’t even question the absurd things they say.
” Try thinking for yourself sometime instead of parroting other liberal opinions, you sad shadow of a person.”
Like I said, you’re the one who can’t think for himself an depends on CW for thoughts. I don’t follow “Liberal opinions”, I follow my own opinions. Just because I disagree with you, that dosen’t make me a liberal by default.
I’d ask for your free will back from your god before coming back here
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How would a penis flavored pill “cure” gayness? So, according to that logic, a vagina flavored pill could cure one’s straightness? I swear, you people are just dumb as hell.
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More predictable responses from the sheep.
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You blindly follow a mass group of people who believe everything in an ancient book.
Who’s really the sheep here? You.
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You, clearly.
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How? in all seriousness, HOW? You call me a sheep yet give nothing to back up your own statement.
At least I gave a reason to why you are sheep.
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You blindly kneel at the alter of liberalism an political correctness, and use that as a proxy for thought – fool child! All of the regrettable faux opinions that spew out of your gaping maw are naught but big government propaganda regurgitated by rote – so please grant me a little latitude as I roll my eyes at your ill-founded assertions ..
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“You blindly kneel at the alter of liberalism an political correctness, ”
Not liberal, I actually tend to disagree with them on most points just as I tend to agree with conservatives. I can form my own opinions without conforming to a party.
“All of the regrettable faux opinions that spew out of your gaping maw are naught but big government propaganda ”
So just because I don’t agree with you, that makes my opinions faux? Bullshit! My opinions are mine! I’ve come to them through my own way, I don’t need the idiotic government to tell me what should think.
I suggest you peel your eyes away from your bible before accusing someone of being blind.
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You only think that your opinions are your own – it just means that Obama is winning!
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Obama can go die for all I care, he is a horrible president. I will vote for whoever is against him just so we can get him out of office.
People can share opinions. Just because I agree with one idea dosen’t mean I’ll agree with every other opinion.
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Good for you, Ouro! You’ll be helping establish the first American theocracy under President Santorum.
No more abortions, creationism being taught in science class, a new war on contraception, and homosexualists being discriminated against from sea to shining sea!
Santorum may be a filthy papist but at least he hates all the right things.
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People who use the term “sheep, sheeple” or whatever tend to follow the mass group of people who think that they are so nonconformist.
These are the same people who either vote for Ron Paul or call themselves communists.
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You’re the one with the wool over your eyes, therefore you are a sheep.
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How have I the wool over my eyes exactly?
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What a role model for young confused individuals, proving that anyone can bounce back from the alluring sin of the homogay agenda! I’m glad that Ted now understands the wrongness of the homosexual lifestyle and the depraved acts that go along with it. Sometimes it can take a lot of thinking about homosexuality to truly grasp the debauchery involved, but it’s nice he’s come to this realization.
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Im realy happy Ted came back to jesus
the devil wanted ted , but he fought back
and won with jesus and god on his team
this just proves that IT IS A CHOICE!!
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DO.NOT.MENTION.THAT.RAPIST.EXTREMIST.CHRISTIAN.IN.FRONT.OF.ME.THIS.PERSON.DESERVES.THE.DEATH.SENTENCE.MORE.THEN.ANYONE
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