Ted Haggard Returns to the Pulpit Completely Cured
COLORADO SPRINGS – Christians throughout Colorado were thrilled to receive the news that their beloved pastor Ted Haggard has returned to the pulpit after being completely cured of homosexuality. In May 2010 Haggard founded the St. James Church in his hometown of Colorado Springs. According to the Gazette, the incorporation of St. James was just “to keep the accounting in order” for the many paid speaking engagements Ted and his wife Gayle are scheduled to attend around the country.
Several months later Haggard announced that he would be returning to the pulpit and he opened the his St. James Church to the public. Haggard delivered a powerful sermon about forgiveness and compassion; it was his first sermon since Haggard’s fall from grace in 2006. At that time Haggard’s latent homogayness was outed by Mike Jones a Denver male prostitute and drug dealer who supplied methamphetamine to Haggard during their sinful hook-ups.
Jones’ tell-all book is his sexually explicit memoir about his relationship with fallen evangelist over a three year period. In an interview with the Miami Herald Jones revealed that Haggard is a “bottom” who paid Jones regularly to deliver his big blood engorged mayonnaise cannon up the pastor’s tailpipe.
Boy-toy & former male prostitute Mike Jones
Shortly after the evangelical pastor was outed another one of Haggard’s boy-toys came forward, a 20 year old church volunteer approached church administrators admitting that he also had sex frequently with Haggard. Administrators of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, which Haggard founded more than 25 years ago covered up the young man’s confession and paid him off to keep silent. His identity has never been revealed and the church paid to have him relocated outside Colorado.
Haggard’s blatant love of cockus erectus speaks for itself, but to keep his real sexual desires secret, when in church the fallen pastor denounced homosexuality as a “sin” and “devastating for the children of our nation and for the future of Western civilization.”So when news that this hypocritical but popular Christian preacher had been cured and announced he is now “100% heterosexual” Colorado Christians forgave him and welcomed him back with open arms.
New Penis Flavored Gay Away is 100% Guaranteed
Haggard’s amazing recovery from the dark, dank hollows of Satan’s underground homogay world that for years held him in bondage he credits entirely to the recently FDA approved medication known as Gay-Away. Dr. Neil Formee with Back Door Commando Laboratories of Pennsylvania said Gay-Away is completely safe and is guaranteed to cure the most ardent, steadfast homogays. Formee also said that with a 100% cure rate Gay-Away can easily be added to a gay’s drink, cocktail, or food and is completely undetectable. “Parents can now cure their shameful offspring of the gay without anyone having to know,” said Formee.
Haggard continues to deliver his commanding sermons every Sunday at his St. James Church which has seen a steady rise in its membership since Haggard opened the doors last year and welcomed all sinners including the homogays; adding that he wants… “to give them a chance for salvation.” Haggard also provides private counseling sessions to young gay males who are considering going straight.