• The Spork: Hell’s Shovel

    February 23, 2012 2:50 am 52 comments
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  • Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton have both engaged in illicit sexual relations. Both have held a spork. Coincidence?It has been famously said that there are no non-combatants in the war of ideologies. And never has this observation been so true as to the area of eating utensils. Liberals commonly and facetiously succumb to the Asian menace by embracing chopsticks, eagerly demonstrating to their friends their treason and gastronomic adeptness with two sharpened sticks that could just as easily threaten law enforcement.

    But while the Red Menace has yet to truly occupy our God given land, chopsticks give way to a far more immediate and dangerous menace to our society – the spork.

    “Why would a spork pose a greater threat than chopsticks?” you may ask. Well I’m glad you did.

    Forks are obviously a masculine tool to promote mastication. Spoons, with their libidinous curves, are naturally feminine. They work in conjunction with one another. Ask yourself, how could one eat spaghetti with only a fork? Or with only a spoon? It can’t be done.

    Now, consider the spork.

    Is a spork masculine? Is it feminine? It’s neither. It crosses, confuses, and ultimately destroys gender lines. It’s a needless dietary invention whose secret purpose is to convince normal Americans that it’s okay to be a sexual pervert. It’s disgusting. It’s ingenious. What will America’s Fifth Column think of next?

    God created “Adam” and “Eve”. He didn’t create “Ave”. He didn’t create “Edam”. He created a world where two genders, two eating utensils, compliment each other in order to make a whole.

    Genesis 2:23 clearly states,    “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

    God goes onto state that this is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife – “they become one flesh.”

    In the course of researching this article, it was learned that the chief culprits among the spork pushers (much like drug pushers) were KFC (Republican), Boston Market (liberal, obviously), Taco Bell (Mexican), Panda Express (Chinese), Chick-Fil-A(!) and others. But today, few restaurants distribute sporks anymore. The reason is simple. Perversity has won in America. In a world where chopsticks, sporks, and other un-American utensils can be inserted into one’s orifice, we live in a world where any object can be inserted into one’s body for sexual gratification.

    Dining in HellSome may scoff at the influence of the spork but former Philanderer-In-Chief Bill Clinton didn’t. Standing before a coven of liberal media witches in 1995, Clinton openly boasted of his love of the spork and how he hoped it would transform dietary habits among America’s youngest and most vulnerable. Holding up a plastic spork to the crowd he chortled, “This is a spork! Maybe if you tried to get through lunch with one you wouldn’t eat so much.” After proposing to destroy the American food industry he continued, “This is a symbol of my administration.”

    I need not say more. It is time to return to purity and red meat. Pick up that knife and fork.

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    About The Author
    Kelvin Fortescue Kelvin Maximillian Fortescue is an investigative journalist specializing in science, religion, and politics. Nothing stops him from plumbing the darkest depths of the pantheistic/atheistic liberal agenda. Friend him on Facebook!

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