Like the proverbial candy-wielding homosexual luring our children to his Ford Econoline, cats are oft able to exploit the naive and ignorant by their duplicitous nature. Many people mistake a cat’s rumbling purr and pawing at the lap or chest as signs of affection, but in scientific actuality, it is a hunting mechanism of the predatory feline.
A cat’s purring is actually an amplification of a cat’s heartbeat. It purrs louder and louder as it grows more frustrated and excited with the thought of eating you, but knowing it cannot due to its physical dwarfism in relation to its bigger African dwelling relatives. A cat still may try to attack you, no matter the size, so it’s best to drop any cat that consistently purrs and any wild strays to your local animal shelter for euthanasia.