• Andy Biersack Steals 900 Year Old Heart from Cathedral

    March 6, 2012 4:21 am 65 comments
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  • The black heart of Saint Laurence O’Toole can be seen here in the Christ Church Cathedral of Dublin, only days before it was stolen by the Black Veiled Brides. It is said they plan to use this heart for dark ritual and necromancing, as they promised on their devil anthem song The Ritual.

    The vampire cult known as the Black Veil Bride armies have started their annual Blood Moon Spring Harvest rituals again.  Last night, shocked authorities in Dublin, Ireland, responded to distressed phone calls saying ‘black clothed witches’ had stolen upon the cathedral at midnight and stolen the heart under the near-fall’s blood moon. The notorious emosexual and dark metal rocker Andy Biersack is said to be the mastermind behind the theft.

    St. Laurence O’Toole is the patron saint of Dublin.  His heart is typically kept in a reinforced iron cage as seen in the image.  The heart has safely remained in the cage for over 900 years, though historical records show the descendents of Vlad Tepes have repeatedly attempted to steal the heart to gain ‘immortality’ and the ability to raise the dead.

    Eyewitnesses state ‘hundreds of girls with horrible hair and unusually poor makeup stood guard outside the church, their leather skirts and corsets not giving their shivering bodies much warmth.  Inside, footage shows who appears to be a less masculine member of KISS prying O’Toole’s heart box with a crowbar’.

    Further reports to CNN confirmed what we all expected:  theBlack Veil Brides army were behind this attack.  For those not in the know, Constable Mark Harris warns, “The Black Veiled Bride army are the modern incarnation of the Cult of Vlad Tepes.  These youngsters let blood and do drugs, hallucinating and worshiping Satan as they listen to dark metal music.  Their habits and traditions are those of ancient Translyvania and they should be considered rabid and dangerous.”  The Constable also warns, ‘do not approach them or they may bite you.’

    Officials report that the small wooden box that holds the heart was also damaged.  The wood of this box was made from the very wood that pierced that heart of Vlad Tepes and ended the olde age of vampyres and Bubonic plague.  High clergy fears that with this heart being in Satanic hands, the Black Veil Brides may join with other ’emo’ bands like Marilyn Manson and Jimmy Eat World, singing songs of darkness and throwing a massive concert where they shoot drugs and drink each other’s blood, a recipe one priest claims can ‘raise the corpse of the dead’.

    Are the Black Veil Brides trying to raise Vlad Tepes from the dead, so he can become the new ‘feature singer’ of their Satan music band?

    Sources in Ireland believe this is the case.  Police who worked the crime scene reported the heart theft to be ‘truly awful and strange’, furthermore stating they were very ‘shocked and saddened’ by all of this sickness.  Most astounding of all, is that despite the limited security footage and eye-witness accounts of the BVB army being outside the temple, ‘there is no evidence or sign of break-in’.

    Police report no other valuables, including gold candle sticks, were stolen from the cathedral.  Only the heart is missing.

    Looking at the intensely chilling words from Black Veil Brides song ‘Ritual’, we can see they may have procured this heart to sing this song and then raise Vlad Tepes from the dead, so he can become the new frontman for their band.  Let’s have a look:



    Praying for what your heart brings
    Thoughts of escape and bloodshot eyes
    You’re barely sleeping no longer dreaming
    Now what you do to feel alive?

    In this stanza, we see they claim they are ‘praying’.  Praying to who, we may ask?  Satan!  Who else would condone wearing all those black clothes and unnatural playing of guitar crescendos!  There is nothing holy about dallying about with a B suspended second barre, then relieving the ears with a F sharp deception, Jacob Jinxx!   Don’t think we missed oout on that mind altering Satanic Drop C bass tuning, Ashley Purtty!   Let’s continue!

    “Thoughts of escape and bloodshot eyes, you’re BARELY SLEEPING NO LONGER DREAMING, NOW WHAT YOU DO TO FEEL ALIVE”

    Always dressed in sleek black clothing and having a severe infatuation with drug tainted blood, Vlad Tepes is largely considered to be the father of vampirism and emosexuality. Tales of old detail this man’s bloodthirsty taste for warfare, rebellion against religion, love of Satanic black clothing and singing like a strangle female cat in his spare time. The Black Veil Brides are surely his children, and they are trying to raise dear poppa from the dead, so he can help them corrupt more of our children with his gothy music.

    Here, we see they are talking about raising the dead.  That is called necromancing.  In my gut I can tell they are asking this question to their dark lord, Vlad Tepes.  They are raising him from the dead and they have taken the heart of pure to do so.  What sort of madness are our children listening to, parents.  Do you know this music is making your child a complicit corpse raider necromancer!  What’s next:

    Rise up and celebrate your life
    We’re not alone in our ritual
    Sing for what you feel inside
    Becoming one with our ritual

    There you see it yourself!  “Rise up and celebrate your life.”  They are speaking directly to the devil!  They are telling the demon of Vlad Tepes to be like the Walking Dead, just getting up from his grave after God gave him an eternal timeout!  They are breaking the rules and tinkling with Satanic ritual!  My anger boils to know they probably are saying some Harry Potter spell lines in Latin to make sure the spell sticks.  “Sing for what you feel inside.”  Here, they are foreshadowing that Tepes will be the leader singer for the Black Veil Brides on their next world tour.  If your children have tickets, burn them up and tell your pastor!

    Singing songs of the old days
    Try to remember what’s gone by
    Stronger in new ways don’t care what they say
    This is your life it’s time to rejoice

    In this stanza, the Black Veiled Brides are promising to update their ancient lord about all that’s happened since Christians wiped him and Bubonic plague out by stuffing all the mouths of all old vampires with bricks.  As we know from folklore, vampires always get stronger the more young blood they get, so if your daughter is going to a BVB or any other emosexual concert this spring, be warned!  They will make her let some blood so they can feed it to Count Emo, to make him more powerful and Satanic.

    Just from the first verses of this song, we can see what’s going on here.  It’s definitely terrifying.

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    Mike Watson Intrepid, bold and dashing, Mike Watson's investigative reporting prowess is only outdone by his burning desire to restore conservative values and morality to America. With a unique penchant for purity, Mike Watson's TV, Radio and writing inspire millions to know the truth behind American culture. Also on Facebook

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