Award Winning Esquire Reporter Chris Jones Pens Poor Profile for Christian Mingle
Chris Jones is an award winning writer for Esquire magazine. He has writing and women problems. I don’t mean for that to sound like he’s started his period or has smelly abnormal discharge. No, it certainly wouldn’t be either of those two things. Mr. Jones is fed up with these women who think they are “sexual Olympians”.
Mr. Jones has expressed his feelings in a Christian Mingle profile entitled, “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think”. He takes to task some of these women that might have their sights set on becoming Mrs. Chris Jones. Unfortunately, because Chris Jones is a liar and his profile wasn’t written very well, a plethora of the good Christian internet ladies are mad. By plethora, I mean a big gob of women are mad as a bag of bees. See here, and here, under this, over that and between there as examples of ovary hate speech against Chris Jones.
“The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.” – sexcerpt from Chris Jones Christian Mingle Profile
Before women start grabbing a pitchfork, let’s translate. He’s a man, ladies, not a gymnastics vaulting horse! You can’t take a naked running approach, summersault off the foot of the bed, land spread eagle while pouting a breathless “take me now, Krull” and expect marital bliss from Chris Jones. He wants to be wanted for being Chris, not the hot and greasy lovin’ he can deliver in thirty minutes or less. While not expressed very well, it is commendable that he is looking for more than a bump, tickle and half pike dismount in the conjugal bed.
“Pro tip: The crush-grind is not the new up and down.” – sage wisdom from Chris Jones
Again, Chris is giving the ladies of Christian Mingle some good advice if they would just take a Pamprin, wash it down with a Tab, and listen. Just because rubbing the clitoris against a rhythmically grinding pelvis bone is a shivery delight for female folk, doesn’t mean der man penis likes it. The rigid penis can be broken or harmed if vigorously ground. This is especially true if the lady is bouncing like an equestrian on a man’s pony lap. Go easy. Treat that manrod like one of those sugar sculptures on the Foodie channel – the ones that snap like heartache right when the finished cake is being moved to the judging table. Mistreatment of a man’s penis is a sin and self-defeating. If a married gal wants happier lady parts, treating the penis with respect and honor is a good first step.
“Also: If your man goes down on you, the terror clamp is an inappropriate physical response. (Just relax. Yes, we make our stupid jokes, but contrary to popular belief, most guys enjoy cunnilingus, and most vaginas don’t smell like a fresh bag of Funyuns.)”
Christian Mingle ladies ‘in the know’ (divorced) completely agree that the terror clamp is inappropriate. When the clitoris becomes exceedingly tongue teased, a woman’s thigh muscles respond involuntarily by clamping tightly around a man’s neck. This is internationally recognized amongst men as a ‘playah occu-passional hazard’. Decapitation and injury to the spinal cord can occur, but the most common male reaction to clamping is something called ‘motor boating’. Air is released quickly from the lungs, causing the lips to vibrate like a motor boat propeller.
Many experienced women use the esoteric ‘scootch back’ approach when nether regions become overly stimulated. If something is so good it hurts, move or back crawl so the intensity is lessened. Trust, ladies, those rug burns on your shoulders and buttocks will heel. Move your hips so he’s playing the right keys, but not where anyone loses an eye or you drive a stiletto heel into the drywall. Drywall repairs are expensive!
Remember that cunnilingus is a horizontal tango, unless you’re Baptist (no dancing). There’s lots of starting and stopping while orally schtupping – Tee-Aay-NGO. Thigh clamping a man’s head is just begging for motor boating dubstep beats from Chris Jones. The message here is if you insist on dubstep terror leg clamping, stick with an unholy vibrator and leave Chris Jones alone, sinners.
Several single Christian women reading Chris Jones’ poorly penned profile were offended by the introduction of ‘stupid jokes’ in a sexual encounter. Any intelligent Christian woman entering into an oral sexual liaison with Chris Jones should have only one expectation – to talk like a retard when he’s finished pleasuring your body.
The Chris Jones sexpertease in this area is certainly evident in his writing. Once a lady has experienced the Chris Jones ‘talk like a retard’ level of oral pleasure, she will never be satisfied with witty intellectual pillow talk following sexual congress. She won’t even remember if he said anything about Funyuns.
“Do you want better, more satisfying sex? Tell your eager man what you’d like him to do to you. And don’t be afraid to let it all out. You’re not a slut if you like sex.”
Reading his profile, some ladies might be drawn into this jape with the carefully placed breadcrumbs of that question. Unfortunately, in his rhetorical response, Chris Jones really shows what a fake he is posting such a profile. He actually states wants to be bossed around a little bit! Wow. Further, he’s not going to judge if you enjoy it. Sex isn’t a power play in Christian marital dynamics. It is about men being men, not about women treating men like roadside sex workers.
Chris Jones is a fornication faker, a liar and he writes no good. If only there were a kindly, menopausal Christian lady to gently guide him down the more righteous path by teaching him how to conjugate his verbs rather than whine and decline.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Blanche Beecham
"Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM
6:28 pm
This was simply upsetting and outrageous. I have to collect some thoughts.
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6:30 pm
Okay, now I do have a little more to say about this exercise in abnromality.
When one tries to sell their sexuality like a piece of meat on the internet, what do you really expect? This Chris Jones should take himself over the to Craigs list prostitute section of maybe Back pages where such a young, active man could command a decent price or spend a fistful of dollars for 20 minutes of fun and oral herpes.
Did I mention that the guy is sick in the head? Who in their right mind spends all his time lurking for decent Christian women to embarrass and harass because of their faith? I am upset but not surprised a sleazy magazine like Esquire would pay him for this x rated romp through the underside of internet cheating, sleazing and slutting. Thank you Blanche for bring this crisis to our attention. It was indeed a riveting read and a great call for women of all creeds to stand up against lacivious freaks like this Chris Jones fellow.
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7:01 pm
“Who in their right mind spends all his time lurking for decent Christian women to embarrass and harass because of their faith”
Who in their right mind spends all of his time thinking of new ways to hurt and insult decent people just because they’re different in faith, gender, color, or sexuality?
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7:56 pm
I chose to spend my time promoting Biblical love and Christian wisdom. I’m sorry you’ve got your head stuffed so far up your radical liberalism, you can’t see the truth of my words. Maybe if you sobered up for a little bit? I really do worry about your obsession with marijuana and unprotected sexuality. I realize your parents have turned their backs on your and you’re smarting, but someone has to say it: You’re too young to throw your life away like this! Please for the sake of your own life LN, get a little help and stop obsessing!
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8:25 pm
“I chose to spend my time promoting Biblical love and Christian wisdom.”
Didn’t realize that biblical love meant defamation and hurting and that Christian wisdom meant hypocritical lying.
“I’m sorry you’ve got your head stuffed so far up your radical liberalism, you can’t see the truth of my words.”
What truth? When have you ever been right about anything? When have you ever admitted to being wrong?
“Maybe if you sobered up for a little bit? I really do worry about your obsession with marijuana and unprotected sexuality.”
Ad hominem attacks from someone who bitches about ad hominem attacks, how typical of you.
“I realize your parents have turned their backs on your and you’re smarting, but someone has to say it: You’re too young to throw your life away like this!”
lawlwhat? You’re so desperate to make me look bad, you have to drag my parents into this? Two people that I’ve never brought up before, you’re going to try to now get involved with. Wow, you must be at the bottom of the barrel for insults now, Billings.
“Please for the sake of your own life LN, get a little help and stop obsessing!”
Stop obsessing over the lives of other people and get help yourself.
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8:34 pm
We have indeed talked about the problems you and your father have before. I know it’s a troubled relationship. See how your lack of sobriety affects your memory? Please be careful my friend.
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8:55 pm
Oh yeah, that’s right, you tried to claim you were some kind of father figure to me, didn’t you? You say so much bullshit that it’s hard to remember just what precisely you’ve said.
The fact is, I don’t have daddy issues, Billings, but apparently you do if you’re so desperate to be a father figure to someone. By the way, nice job on continuing your ad hominem attacks, hypocrite.
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9:25 pm
Try to stay on topic here, kiddo. Let’s focus on Blanche’s work… (and no, your the father issues you mentioned to me had to do with your real dad and how you guys were on the rocks because of your job situation).
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9:52 pm
English language butchery aside, you know nothing about my life and you do nothing but make ad hominem attacks against people because you can’t bother finding out actual problems with what they have to say. If anyone resorts to ad hominem attacks against you, it’s more than likely because you’re too stupid to accept the facts in front of you. Let me guess, your daddy beat you as a child when he found out you were gay, right? And it’s because of that self-hate that you’ve gone to hurting others and trying to act as a father figure to them, in some vain attempt to try to undo the damage that he did, while simultaneously still holding those fears of societal rejection, thus making you want others to conform to the ideals that were beaten into you. Yeah, you’re definitely bipolar alright.
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10:38 pm
Steak Sanwich!
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11:43 pm
Billings the Coward, that has a ring to it.
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9:55 pm
” but contrary to popular belief, most guys enjoy cunnilingus, and most vaginas don’t smell like a fresh bag of Funyuns.)”
Obviously he has never met my wife!
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10:03 pm
Blanche I do hate to correct you, but I feel that since I am a man and you are a woman then I must.
“Any intelligent Christian woman entering into an oral sexual liaison with Chris Jones should have only one expectation…”
A christian woman should not do such things until she is properly married to Mr. Jones.
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