• Award Winning Esquire Reporter Chris Jones Pens Poor Profile for Christian Mingle

    March 31, 2012 11:51 am 14 comments

    Chris Jones is an award winning writer for Esquire magazine. He has writing and women problems. I don’t mean for that to sound like he’s started his period or has smelly abnormal discharge. No, it certainly wouldn’t be either of those two things. Mr. Jones is fed up with these women who think they are “sexual Olympians”.

    Mr. Jones has expressed his feelings in a Christian Mingle profile entitled, “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think”. He takes to task some of these women that might have their sights set on becoming Mrs. Chris Jones. Unfortunately, because Chris Jones is a liar and his profile wasn’t written very well, a plethora of the good Christian internet ladies are mad. By plethora, I mean a big gob of women are mad as a bag of bees. See here, and here, under this, over that and between there as examples of ovary hate speech against Chris Jones.

    “The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.” – sexcerpt from Chris Jones Christian Mingle Profile


    Before women start grabbing a pitchfork, let’s translate. He’s a man, ladies, not a gymnastics vaulting horse! You can’t take a naked running approach, summersault off the foot of the bed, land spread eagle while pouting a breathless “take me now, Krull” and expect marital bliss from Chris Jones. He wants to be wanted for being Chris, not the hot and greasy lovin’ he can deliver in thirty minutes or less. While not expressed very well, it is commendable that he is looking for more than a bump, tickle and half pike dismount in the conjugal bed.

    “Pro tip: The crush-grind is not the new up and down.” – sage wisdom from Chris Jones

    Again, Chris is giving the ladies of Christian Mingle some good advice if they would just take a Pamprin, wash it down with a Tab, and listen. Just because rubbing the clitoris against a rhythmically grinding pelvis bone is a shivery delight for female folk, doesn’t mean der man penis likes it. The rigid penis can be broken or harmed if vigorously ground. This is especially true if the lady is bouncing like an equestrian on a man’s pony lap. Go easy. Treat that manrod like one of those sugar sculptures on the Foodie channel – the ones that snap like heartache right when the finished cake is being moved to the judging table. Mistreatment of a man’s penis is a sin and self-defeating. If a married gal wants happier lady parts, treating the penis with respect and honor is a good first step.

    “Also: If your man goes down on you, the terror clamp is an inappropriate physical response. (Just relax. Yes, we make our stupid jokes, but contrary to popular belief, most guys enjoy cunnilingus, and most vaginas don’t smell like a fresh bag of Funyuns.)”


    Christian Mingle ladies ‘in the know’ (divorced) completely agree that the terror clamp is inappropriate. When the clitoris becomes exceedingly tongue teased, a woman’s thigh muscles respond involuntarily by clamping tightly around a man’s neck. This is internationally recognized amongst men as a ‘playah occu-passional hazard’. Decapitation and injury to the spinal cord can occur, but the most common male reaction to clamping is something called ‘motor boating’. Air is released quickly from the lungs, causing the lips to vibrate like a motor boat propeller.

    Many experienced women use the esoteric ‘scootch back’ approach when nether regions become overly stimulated. If something is so good it hurts, move or back crawl so the intensity is lessened. Trust, ladies, those rug burns on your shoulders and buttocks will heel. Move your hips so he’s playing the right keys, but not where anyone loses an eye or you drive a stiletto heel into the drywall. Drywall repairs are expensive!

    Remember that cunnilingus is a horizontal tango, unless you’re Baptist (no dancing). There’s lots of starting and stopping while orally schtupping – Tee-Aay-NGO. Thigh clamping a man’s head is just begging for motor boating dubstep beats from Chris Jones. The message here is if you insist on dubstep terror leg clamping, stick with an unholy vibrator and leave Chris Jones alone, sinners.

    Several single Christian women reading Chris Jones’ poorly penned profile were offended by the introduction of ‘stupid jokes’ in a sexual encounter. Any intelligent Christian woman entering into an oral sexual liaison with Chris Jones should have only one expectation – to talk like a retard when he’s finished pleasuring your body.

    The Chris Jones sexpertease in this area is certainly evident in his writing. Once a lady has experienced the Chris Jones ‘talk like a retard’ level of oral pleasure, she will never be satisfied with witty intellectual pillow talk following sexual congress. She won’t even remember if he said anything about Funyuns.

    “Do you want better, more satisfying sex? Tell your eager man what you’d like him to do to you. And don’t be afraid to let it all out. You’re not a slut if you like sex.”

    Reading his profile, some ladies might be drawn into this jape with the carefully placed breadcrumbs of that question. Unfortunately, in his rhetorical response, Chris Jones really shows what a fake he is posting such a profile. He actually states wants to be bossed around a little bit! Wow. Further, he’s not going to judge if you enjoy it. Sex isn’t a power play in Christian marital dynamics. It is about men being men, not about women treating men like roadside sex workers.

    Chris Jones is a fornication faker, a liar and he writes no good. If only there were a kindly, menopausal Christian lady to gently guide him down the more righteous path by teaching him how to conjugate his verbs rather than whine and decline.

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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