The Winsor Ontario squirrel population is supporting the homosexual Gay Agenda by waging an unholy war on women. These gay rat cousins, in an effort to shore up their lascivious nut rustling ways, are devouring the succulent tulip bulbs planted to adorn Windsor parks for spring wedding pictures. Canadian ladies, planning on enduring memories captured on film, are inflamed with rage.
“The biggest disappointment is going to be for brides. It is a photographer’s heaven to bring the brides down there on a Saturday with all those tulips and intense colors. It’s just gorgeous,” Dave Tootill, the city’s supervisor of horticulture, told the Toronto Star Thursday.
Windsor Mayor Eddie Francis said “The tulips were great” adding “The park got a whole makeover and then the squirrels dined out,”
Squirrels are the second least favorite of God’s creatures because of their natural proclivity for mischief. Leviticus 11:3 is clear on the cleanliness of the squirrel, making it a varmint or unfit to eat. It is suspected that squirrels have formed an unholy alliance with Satan, since when parks are built long distances from any squirrel population within a few months they tend to show up and set up small ghetto villages. They will beg for food from unwary walkers in the park.
While squirrels will mate incestuously for procreative purposes, males tend to leave the female to care for the babies, called furbags. The weary single mothers are deplorable housekeepers and will shove germ soaked fecal and urine nest material out of the nest, spreading disease along the trunk of trees. For brides wanting that special “Twilight” picture with her beloved, leaning like Bella against a tree, beware you may be spending the honeymoon in a flop sweat fever that you didn’t intend.
The only thing that can keep squirrels from eating tulip bulbs is Holy cayenne pepper, sprinkled liberally over bulbs during planting. But even then, the effectiveness tends to wear off on subsequent years without re-application.
“…the squirrel can smell Tulip Bulbs like you smell fresh bread or brewing coffee. Part of the task is to throw shorty’s nose into thinking “these are not the bulbs you are looking for…”. We will accomplish that with powdered cayenne pepper and blood meal… “How to Properly Grow Squirrel Cocaine”