• Dick Cheney Steals Someone’s Heart, Looking Good at 71 After Heart Transplant Surgery

    March 25, 2012 12:07 pm 14 comments
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  • Breaking News – American Hero and Former Vice President Dick Cheney has Successful Heart Surgery

    In wonderful news today, some person gave up their heart so that the second most powerful man on Earth, Vice President Dick Cheney, may continue his life of destroying terrorism, helping keep America strong.

    When you hear the names Scooter Libby, Donald Rumsfeld, Brownie, Karl Rove and George W. Bush, your eyes can’t help but to swell and water up with some patriotic nostalgia. It’s these men who guided America through her early and tender years in the war on terror.

    These men defeated the terrorist’s most powerful army with a two-week destruction of Saddam Hussein’s Iraqi desert mujahideen. President George W. Bush personally flew over in Iraq, dodging deadly shoe throws and rallying our troops before delivering a personal punch in the face of Saddam Hussein. Bush later went back over and slapped the snot out of Osama Bin Laden.

    But all of our heroes of the early aughts aside, there is one name that you have to remember to put on that list of nostalgia: Vice President Dick Cheney.

    VP Cheney is the grandfather of modern conservatism. Without him, Iraq would have wasted the billions of dollars we confiscated from them and put into a responsible company like Halliburton, to help the Iraqi people responsibly use their oil to create jobs and running water for their sand hovel people.

    Wielding unprecedented power during his vice presidential tenure, Cheney was the mastermind behind the destruction of the old world dictator.  Due to Cheney’s pioneering efforts, we’ve seen the fall of genocidal maniacs like Saddam Hussein, Muamar Qaddafi, Kim Jong-Il, Osama bin Laden, MuBarack and after we get a new president, we can add Ahmadinejad, Insert-any-Imam and Ayatollah here and hey, why not the entire nation of Syria.

    Dick Cheney is a man’s man.  He suffered his first heart attack at 37, but did not let that slow him down or go on free healthcare like a lazy bum.  He fought and continued the start to a brilliant career.  Even after suffering the heartache of a lesbian daughter, Cheney’s heart found a way to beat on.

    Doctors at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church, Virginia, are currently nursing our dear sweet grandfather back to help.  Let us think good thoughts and a speedy recovery for our former Vice President.  If only he and Bush could return for four more years, it would be great.

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