• How to Wash a Man’s Pants

    March 9, 2012 2:54 pm 44 comments

    Many married couples and Godless fornicating co-habitators don’t know how to do laundry properly, especially when it comes to a man’s trousers. Since many of today’s young women don’t know how to properly launder a man’s pants, here are some helpful tips and answers to common questions.

    Shouldn’t a Man wash his own pants?

    This question is one that many women will pose at some point, usually not in the honeymoon phase when the glamour of new love colors a woman’s perspective and everything he says is interesting. But like a pair of dark wash dungerees, that phase fades pretty fast. Left with the stark honesty of frayed hems, ink stains and strained seams a gal’s gotta really have some straight answers. No, a man should never wash his own pants. Many will press for more and ask: Why can’t a man wash his own pants?

    Men are incapable of locating dirty clothes. Laundry requires female centric skills that are missing in the Y gene. Hunting for hidden socks and underwear in the couch cushions is not something men are hard wired to do. Women have special dirty laundry sensing pits much like snakes use to sense a trembling mouse. For a man to overcome this shortfall is arduous. Training is difficult and, frankly, so are efforts at retraining. It isn’t his fault or his mother’s fault, but simply a feature of his manliness. One can teach a pig to run fast, but in the end it still just a fast pig that only washes half the dirty laundry.

    Men can’t sort clothes. Aside from hunting and gathering skills, women rarely have color blindness. Men have higher occurrences of both involuntary and selective color blindness. Unless everyone likes a pink fade on every piece of clothing owned, a man should never wash clothes unsupervised. Even efforts to pre-sort and leave detailed post-it note directions for each carefully vetted pile is a feckless enterprise. Besides, isn’t just doing it properly the first time more efficient?

    Men will not check laundry pockets for tissues, ink pens, gum, candy, money, or rocks. Few things are more disappointing than the glob of missed tissues that been transformed in in the washing process to a confetti of sticky mess that randomly covers clothing – except for the leaking ink pen and gum gobbery. Cleaning the washer and the ruined laundry after such a disaster always ends up being a woman’s task.

    A man left alone some weekend encountering such a disaster might use inappropriate cleansers like bug and tar remover used in car detailing or Lord forbid – Goop from the garage. That pretty new top will smell like a shop rag no matter how many times you try to wash it out. My experience in this area, which is vast, has shown that the man will be somewhat proud of his laundry problem solving skills and might try to do it again.

    Men should NEVER be encouraged to do laundry. While in many areas a man will learn from his mistakes, laundry is a notable exception. No matter how often guidelines and folding procedures are carefully documented, laminated and tacked to the inside of the laundry supplies cabinet for easy reference one cannot expect miracles. Sure the internet might have stories of men doing laundry well, but these stories are urban myths like bat boy, a sexy liberal sighting, evolution or climate change. Guys need to learn their limitations and be comfortable with that. Gals need to know this isn’t a sexist task, but a trade off where man centric skills can be spent on getting the oil changed and slogging out of bed when there’s a noise in the middle of the night.

    Ladies should also realize that a man that does his own laundry can attract other women because he looks so pathetic. Disheveled and helpless looking, the man wearing a poorly laundered pair of pants and greyed white shirt is like man candy for the nurturing instincts of the single woman. Even if he has a wedding ring, she will use his sloppy dress to drive a wedge in your marriage. She might casually comment that she would help him reach his full potential rather than let him wander the big bad world in ragged pants and perspiration stains. His self esteem, no doubt a shivering mewling kitten within him, reaches for the bright future she offers leaving Miss Do-Your-Own-Laundry to find another man to boss around.

    How Do I Wash My Man’s Pants?

    If a gal really loves her man, she will do her best to hone her natural inclinations for laundry superiority. For the ambitious home maven it is opportunity to lead with love.

    Gathering the laundry is the first step. Hampers are helpful for this task. There will be other items than just a man’s pants, so be on the look out for other clothing. Men can be surprisingly creative in placement of dirty clothes. A woman should use qualitative analysis to determine if a piece of clothing is dirty. Does the shirt smell? Does it appear dirty? If there’s any question, wash it. Clothes should be gathered and deposited in a communal hamper daily for greater efficiency. I usually don’t allow clothes to pile up on the floor, and you shouldn’t either.

    Regardless of rural or urban environment ambush spiders, like the Brown Recluse and Black Widow, will secretly find a home in the dark folds of dirty clothes left on the floor only to creep out at night and crawl up someone’s nose. Of course a bite inside the nose is painful, requiring antibiotic shots applied directly to the affected area and means the taste of chocolate cake can no longer be enjoyed – if the victim lives. Sometimes this little fact will help motivate kids and husbands to keep dirty clothing off the floor.

    After hunting and gathering the laundry, sorting of the clothes should be the next order of business. Sorting is more than tossing similar colors together. As natural multi-taskers, women are excellent sorting machines. Being able to identify the fabric, appropriate washing detergents and additives, water temperature, and cycle is something woman can accomplish easily. If you are just learning how to wash clothing because your mother failed you, learn to read clothing labels. For those with questions, send me a tweet or a quick email to the holymailbox!

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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