With all the weight Jessica Simpson gained in the last few years, I had to double check with my editor to see if the former Texan slapphappy was actually pregnant. Turns out she is. Before getting into the juice of this story, a quick warning to women: if a man has to question when you’re pregnant, lay off the Taco Bell Dorito Tacos, okay? You should not have perma-baby bump.
Jessica Simpson nude on Elle Magazine cover, but ‘tastefully’ covering her implanted gardens and milksacks.
Then if that is not gross enough, a man is encouraging this behavior. Now, I for one do not believe a man is obligated to give a woman oral snookies. It just is gross. For you young college boys out there, you may think oral snookies is a fair trade for a Lewinsky. Let me tell you something: if you’ve watched the creature from the black lagoon, or heard of it, that’s how women treat their under parts when you’re not looking/married.
It’s just gross to live with a woman. You think it’s all peaches and cream, dainty moist camel humps and sunshine rainbow happiness. The vajayjay is none of those things. When you’re not trying to tame it with your staff, my brethren, you should know nothing good comes from it. When you have access to it 24/7 and your woman does not care how you see it, you’ll learn that hard truth.
With that in mind, we see this guy is a bit too friendly going down with Jessica. Sure, he’s ‘kissing the baby’ but that is a comfortable bend, like the back muscles are used to being down there.
So there you have it. Jessica Simpson has revolutionized humanity, capture Joseph Kony 2012 without the need to donate millions to a shoddy charity and helped an old lady cross a street, just by posing nude on Elle Magazine. For all these reasons I was assigned this story and this is a big issue for all major media outlets today.
Now that I’m done with my requisite lies, again, I just want to reemphasize to the college men who read this stuff and email me. And for you lippy women too who’ve threatened to ‘mutilate my balls and feed them to piranhas.’ Look, I know for you women out there you may not like me and my stories. You may not like my ‘roughneck’ fans. You may not like what my bro Tucker Max and I did in Vegas last week either, but that’s beside the point. You’re women, deal with it.
You feminist try to get all uppity, trying to act all dignified and above everything. You try to bash Rush Limbaugh for being pissed over women demanding that we protect their wombs with corporate sponsorship of birth control. You know if major insurance companies have it, Obamacare by law will have to cover it too. If I haven’t taken your skanky butt to a nice lobster dinner and invited you back to my place, I don’t give a damned about your womb. Okay, can we be real here?
I don’t want my insurance premiums going up because you want to sleep with a guy. I really don’t care about your menstrual cycle either. The only man who should care that’s not related to you is your doctor. I am not paying money for you to skank it up, and on that note I think you women are hypocrites for acting like you’re all empowered, then applauding magazine covers like this.
Look at this. Why is a knocked up woman supposed to be news? There are over 7 billion pieces of evidence that women get knocked up all the time! Get yourselves off the pedestals, XX. Well, if you add another X to that to give me a XXX I may just visit your pedestal next time I’m in Vegas. Get my drift?
Stop trying to gain attention and support for being little horny vixens, women. It’s getting old. That’s my coverage of this pointless celebrity story. Satisfied?