Masturbation may very well be one of the most embarrassing topics of conversation in the American family today. It is a chaotic and confusing experience for young people, one that draws them into a cycle of self-destruction that can reach well into adulthood. Most of the contemporary analyses of this addictive phenomenon focus on boys, who are abusing themselves at ever increasing rates. While this comes as no surprise at a time when Biblical teaching is being readily replaced by radical liberal ideologies and homosexuality, it does leave one important question open: What about the females?
Feminine self-gratification is a subject that is so objectionable and disingenuous that it remains taboo for spiritual discussion. Yet by any measurable standard, it is a crisis of vast proportions in our culture. It affects a girl’s ability to mature beyond the egocentric teenage stage, it recklessly familiarizes her with rampant promiscuity and it can ultimately undermine her willingness to find stability in a procreative, loving marriage.
On a scholarly level, many professionals would be loathed to admit the simple fact that they know next to nothing about the mechanisms of the private effeminate stimulation experience. Indeed, the true extent of women’s cheap corporeal pleasurings has not been recorded in any respectable sense, but anecdotal evidence suggests that more and more in our society are masturbating and they’re doing it with a gluttonous, hedonistic pride.
Before we proceed, special note should be made about the premise of this article. Real women are courageous and vivacious. They’re role models and educators. They’re beautiful and righteous. It is painful for us to consider that some amongst us may be secret masturbators. Our mothers and grandmothers? Our sisters and daughters? The ladies at work or our friends on Facebook? Such a plague of barbaric genital manipulation is disastrous for our noble ideal of the family. It rips apart that gentle, delicate image we have of all women and goes against everything Jesus Christ taught about the sanctity of human life. Masturbation reduces women to wanton venereal whores, addicted pleasure seekers, and cretins little better than the most perverse sodomites lurking on this earth.
Dearest female friends, it is our earnest hope today that together we can save a few of your from yourselves.
The concept of female masturbation is naturally a very strange one. For boys, the phallus is titillated by stroking the shaft with great rapidity. Often, oils and creams are used to lubricate the action to utmost viscosity. As the male erection grows hard and long, the testicles become taut in preparation for the disposal of spermatozoa from the top of the penis. Yet this is not the case for a girl. Instead of stroking, she must invade the vaginal orifice with a foreign object. Inside the reproductive chasm, there is a special erogenous zone that must be targeted with delicate precision. Amateur female masturbation can result in dryness, chafing and even hemorrhoids and urinary tract infections. Inside the uterine pathways are many blind curves and dead ends, and the female self-gratifier needs to master this labyrinth with the agility of a rat seeking its cheese.
It should be noted here that the female vagina contains several folds of skin at the aperture that are themselves highly sensitive. These are called the labia and can be massaged to the give the sensation of intercourse, but only a deep, investigative insertion will result in the explosion of histrionic emotion that the woman so desperately seeks. For this reason, many married man find arousing the labia of their spouses with the tongue both overly complicated and frustrating. Conversely, it is far too easy for a female to arouse her husband’s genital organ with her mouth and this often mistakenly results in a throat full of warm male sperm– a truly unpleasant experience for all those involved.
At times, a female orgasm can be achieved during vaginal stimulation. This is done through either sexual congress or prolonged masturbation. However, the female orgasm is an entirely unpredictable incident. In such cases, a woman will moan loudly and scrape her fingernails on a nearby surface, tearing velvet pillows and plush toys to shreds. She will flop her head from side to side and reveal deep, dark secrets from her past. She may even eject a squirt of yeastial fluids that rises into the air like a decorative garden fountain. It will bubble for several seconds before subsiding. Most girls are usually deeply embarrassed by this ridiculous spectacle.
In ages past, women used to break off the phalluses from homoerotic Greek statues to use as dildos. A dildo is a creatively-inspired representation of the male penis crafted from stone, wood, rubber, plastic or metal. In recent years, the construction of technologically advanced dildos has become an art for companies in places such as Denmark, where European-style sexuality is based on denying any discourse of moral priorities. Europeans are specialists at jamming the body full of gadgets and thick fluids in their perpetual search for new extremes of pain.
The dildo is commonly between five and seven inches long, although some are modeled after black men and can reach 16 inches (it should be noted that such an enormous length can damage a woman and make her unfit for normal heterosexual intercourse with anyone but a black). The dildo can have stripes (called “ribs”) or dots that resemble genital warts. They can be curved to reflect the arch of an Italian or Spanish male penis, and they can be narrow and pointy to mirror an Asiatic one. Many are electrified to simulate the aggression of any number of ethnic minorities, such as Mexicans, Brazilians and mulattos. Some are rather sponge-like and will grow damp and foul-smelling after repeated use. They should be cleansed, but never in a dishwasher for that will leave one’s dishes and cups tasting of the tacky acidity of lubricant. Homosexuals employ these tools to aggravate the anus, stuffing their holes indignantly with little regard for agony and excrement.
Most women begin experimenting with masturbation in their early twenties and this occurs with great regularity in the liberal arts college scene. A girl at that age will introduce her roommates to her favorite dildo and the group will take turns jabbing their moist, silken passageways in a race to see who can discover their “g-spots” first. Some claim this is an outlet for the stress of academic study. Unfortunately, such harsh female genital meddling can be loud and profane. It disrupts the normal sleep patterns and makes a woman far more likely to be promiscuous on her close-knit, gossipy campus.
Girls who masturbate seek out real-life male penetrative situations when the thrill of clammy molded plastic dies down. A bristling college male can be an impressive, albeit sweaty, replacement. The college girl also deeply craves the chesty hairiness of a man and will imagine him to be a good listener. He will introduce the girl to multiple positions where legs are thrown heedlessly into the air, hair is pulled back and the male phallus slaps one about the breasts and buttocks. The collegiate sexual partners will have intercourse in dormitory showers, in the backs of cars and even at private parties where their liberal-minded friends gather to watch. This is called being a “slut” or a “whore.” Sadly, there are a tremendous number of videos on the internet that document such incidents and many young men pay to subscribe to such film-sharing services.
Once a woman is labeled with the derogatory moniker of slut, it is very difficult for her to live it down. She will forever be traded from one man to the next, pounded bestially by hairy Arabs and rippling Latinos, on crusty ghetto couches and against disco club walls, until she is little more than a massive vessel of male ejaculate. (Oddly enough, this is precisely what most hardcore caucasian homosexuals aspire to become in their absurd and flamboyant lives.)
Single women in their mid twenties living in urban environments are the most common female masturbators in America. They are so far removed from their faith communities that they know not the fear of public shaming. Mothers are not close enough to monitor late mornings spent in bed. Siblings are no longer a safety valve of nighttime interruption. No, the young woman on her own in the big city will poke herself with gigantic ghetto dildos for hours on end. She will keep a vast collection in her bedside cabinets and exchange tips on slippery lubricants with her friends online. Offensive pet names such as “Indiana Bones,” “Buzz All-In,” “Just In My Beaver” or “Peter Dinkage” will be given. The young female masturbator will become a specialist in satisfying her internal yearnings, that horrific blossoming of feminine sexuality mixed with pride, egotism and careerism.
If our female masturbation addict takes the plunge into marriage, all her self-gratification rituals should cease. For a healthy family life, the husband should be the only penis she knows. Female masturbation is a denial of shared love so necessary between spouses. It is a way of claiming part of the bed or even the locked bathroom as a private “lady” space. It denies the man justly access to his wife’s body. It is a shocking act of sexual betrayal and often indicates more serious mental problems on the part of the woman.
As a society, we must demand that women look inward and face their odd penchant for masturbation. What sort of role models are these libertines for their friends and families? How would a mother explain if her son walked in on her masturbating? What if a curious daughter discovered that 18-inch black warty dildo in Mother’s bedside drawer? Is such a great shame truly worth the risk for a few moments of damp, clamping self-violation? Is that dark, mysterious chasm of femininity really an appropriate place to lurk for cheap thrills and grotesque ethnic joyrides? Why would anyone choose to degrade herself in such a profound, profane and public way? As civilized human beings, we have a responsibility to show courage and faith. As Americans, our females should be better than this. No, real women most certainly do not masturbate.