• Santorum Displays Ball Glossing Skills, Warns Youngsters against Touching Pink Ones

    March 29, 2012 11:57 am 29 comments

    Republican candidate, Rick Santorum brought a light-hearted sporty flavor to his campaign while showcasing his tournament ready bowling skills. Bowling is an all American sport of the middle class gentry. Unlike football, which has strong homosexual overtones and locker-room helmet touching, bowling is a man’s sport that combines balls, individual achievement and manly pects and biceps – things heartily endorsed by the strictly heterosexual Santorum campaign.


    Watching Santorum bowl is like watching a professional prima ballerina at the top of her game. He prepares in silence, polishing the ball with his special success sauce until a whispered hot breath lightly clouds the glossy shine. He stands, like a gladiator against the sin of the world, looking to a future at the end of the lane.

    A last moment of contemplation, he cradles the ball closely. Brow taught with concentration, he approaches the lane with purpose and power, releasing his faith and laser focus on the rigid pins down the lane. His arm extends in the throes of climax – the universal counterbalance of true professionals of the sport. His pinky finger of his balancing arm spasms in the rippling waves of American exceptionalism as the ball catches the bright flashes from photographers.

    The erect pins, spent and satisfied, fall under his leadership. This is what true conservative American leadership looks like.

    After his beautiful display, Santorum’s thoughts turn to our country’s future – the children. He soundly corrects a young bowling enthusiast, giving him a taste of the Rickles manly Santorum magic.

    “You’re not gonna use the pink ball. We’re not gonna let you do that. Not on camera. Friends don’t let friends use pink bowling balls. – Rick Santorum, heterosexual Man and Republican Conservative Candidate for the Presidency”

    Young men are always attracted to the sex and sin represented by pinks and feminine wiles of woman folk. As an advocate for abstinence, rejecting girl things as ‘yucky’ keeps a young man pure and free of nasty ideas like boinking or canoodling congenitals before marriage. Men should shun the female pink balls and embrace the manly musk of the Santorum polished balls.

    Far too many of our young men like feminine things like girls and colored balls. Girls smell like flowers and pumpkin pie, scents one should never experience in a bowling alley. Girls are soft and have indulgent rounded breast things that will stare a man down with pinkish eyes and distract him from bowling properly. As a true athlete, Santorum gave good advice. By rejecting all things feminine, playing with balls and penis shaped pins he stands for strong conservative heterosexual values.

    Thanks for rating this! Now tell the world how you feel through social media. .
    How does this post make you feel?
    • Excited
    • Fascinated
    • Amused
    • Shocked
    • Sad
    • Angry
    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

    Facebook Conversations