I have been doing undercover Missionary work in Strip Clubs for the last 16 years, disguised as a regular Strip Club DJ. I act like a normal DJ, pompous and arrogant, drinking (sometimes too much), and torturing customers and dancers with random horrible songs like “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler, but I am still there for one reason and one reason only: To Save Souls.
I have noticed over the last few years however, there is a startling correlation between strippers and the Seven Deadly Sins from the Holy Bible. In this article, I will go through each sin, how the stripper is committing it and how they can save themselves from an Eternity roasting in the fiery pits of Hell.
- Greed. We’ll start with the easy one first. Strippers only care about money, they are not there to fall in love with you no matter how much you want to believe that they are. Money is the root of all Evil, and since Strippers only care about money, we can assume that they are Evil themselves. Don’t get me wrong, everybody needs money to live off of, but when a stripper makes $500-$1000 in a night and has a hard time tipping the DJ and Bouncer more than the minimum, that is just plain Greed. I understand that drugs are expensive, day-care for the 7 or 12 babies (all from different “baby daddies”) can cost a lot and paying for all those abortions because you don’t want anymore stretch marks can get quite expensive too. The best way to not commit the sin of greed, is to make sure to share your good fortune with others. If you see another dancer who is having a bad night, buy her a drink or share some of your meth with her and tip your bartender, DJ and bouncers very well to let them know you appreciate them. Little things like this may save your Soul.
- Lust. This one is difficult to counteract because the whole job of a Stripper is to create Lust, but many strippers also commit the sin of Lust while working as well. How many times will you overhear a stripper say “I wish I had her ass” or “Wow, I want her tits so bad”? This is lusting after another person, and it is a sin. How do you stop this atrocious behavior? Plastic surgery is always a good option. This will make you more pleasing to the eye and help you feel more confident about your own body instead of lusting after other people’s body. If you are a little baby who is afraid of some quick surgery, you could also try changing your diet from fried chicken strips and Jack in the Box or Taco Bell and start exercising. I know many of you will say “but dancing and doing pole-work is exercise, I say you’re full of it. Join a gym, get a personal trainer and do some real exercise for once. I personally am sick of seeing these 115lb girls flopping around on stage, their flab flying over the rack as they get into the favorite stripper position that I call the “poopy squat”. No female should ever weigh more than 110lbs and if they are under 5’ 7”, they should not weigh more than 95lbs. Now get to the gym, Fatty.
- Envy. No matter how rich or poor a dancer may be, they are always envious of something another dancer has or does. This could be a house, car, drugs, a pimp that treats her better , or even something as small as envying a pole trick that another dancer can do. This is easily fixed though. If another dancer has something you wish you had, after work put some chloroform on a rag, follow her to her car and when the bouncer has left, quietly wrap the rag around her nose and mouth. This will cause her to pass out. Next put her in the trunk of her own car (make sure you have her keys before you close the trunk, and also wear gloves). Drive her car back to your compound (I’m assuming most of you live in a compound like myself, but if not, go to your house), once there, remove her from the trunk and take her inside. Take one of your multiple drug syringes and fill it full of heroin, but make sure there is an air bubble in the syringe. Inject her with the drugs (preferably in your bathroom because when people die, they evacuate their bowels, this will make clean up easier). Call 911 after she has expired and tell them you think your friend either overdosed or had a heart attack and you need an ambulance, this will clear you of all wrong doing. Now that she has passed on, take whatever it is that you wanted,it’s not like she will be needing it anymore.
- Pride. Every dancer thinks they are the best ever. They wonder why another girl is making more money than her and claim that she must be performing mouth sex acts in the table dance area or going to customers cars for some baby making sin docking. The fact of the matter is, you are not the best ever and never will be, get over yourself. Every customer that enters a strip club has different tastes in women. There is no chance that every single person who walks through the door will think you are the hottest girl in the club, I repeat ZERO CHANCE! Once that has soaked through all your hairspray, mousse and makeup and made it into your brain, you can now begin making pride-free money knowing that you might be attractive, but will never be the most attractive girl in any room except possibly at a home for Down Syndrome Children.
- Gluttony. Every day when I enter work, I see dancers stuffing their faces with chicken strips, fries, hamburgers, foot longs (hot dogs, you perverts) and pizza. The dressing room looks like it was hit by a tornado of fast food, Chinese delivery, pizza hut and the “very healthy” Subway. Even the “Health Conscious” dancers are constantly stuffing their faces with carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and other veggies, but they drench it in enough Ranch dressing to fill the Grand Canyon. The solution to this problem is simple…Stop getting high before or during work! The “munchies” are a side effect of the deadly drug THC. You wonder why you are fat? Marijuana made you fat…and dumb. Get off of the pot!
- Sloth. Dancers are the laziest people on the planet, next to black welfare mothers and rappers. Every night I hear excuses for not wanting to go on stage. “My feet hurt”, “I just got my period”, “I pooped in the only pair of panties I brought” and the list goes on. Most people go to work for 8-10 hours a day and only get maybe a hour long lunch break, dancers work 4-6 hour shifts and get a break everytime their 8 minute set is over. Those breaks could last anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour depending on the amount of girls and the rotation. That means in a typical 6 hour shift, they “work” for between 24-40 minutes and the rest of the time, they are getting drunk, high or grinding their meat-flaps on some unsuspecting 21 year old’s lap. How can we put an end to the sloth of dancers? Easy, make them scrub the bathrooms and dressing room and wipe down tables and the bar when they aren’t either on stage or doing a table dance. This is a win-win situation, the bar gets extra labor and if the dancers don’t want to do this work they will be hustling to get more table dances, which means they will make more money. Win-Win.
- Wrath. Hell hath no fury like a stripper, period. Do not ever get a stripper angry at you, trust me on this one. If you do, I hope you are wear a suit of armor because shoes start flying, weaves get pulled straight out of their heads, beer bottles and anything not nailed down will be thrown and the cursing is something that even the foulest-mouthed sailor couldn’t fathom. If you every witness a stripper getting into it with another stripper, I suggest leaving the club immediately and driving to the nearest Fallout Shelter or Church. Two angry strippers is the equivalent of Nazi Germany, Mao Tse Tung and Stalin combined but if those three had nuclear capabilities at the time. The death toll of the last stripper on stripper fight I witnessed is still be calculated, but at last count it numbered in the millions. How do we avoid this happening, you ask? Easy, slip three valium in every drink that you serve a dancer. Problem solved.
I hope you have all learned something today, and hopefully this will save many stripper’s souls from roasting in Hell. God Bless You All.