• What is One Direction, And Why Does It Make God Mad?

    March 13, 2012 4:21 am 42 comments
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  • In the past while, we’ve seen young American ladies begin to embrace a new harlotry, a dangerous side to themselves. Everyone from Mikey Cyrus to that birth control abuser in the news, Sandra Fluke, has gained an unhealthy level of sexual rage. They may find themselves flailing in the sight of young, attractive men, or embracing an erotic edge in the clothing they wear. While we may blame this on the current sexual revolution that has been occurring in America since the 60s, I’d go even further with who I’d credit.

    In 2008, in a conspiracy to promote an anti-American agenda, Barack Hussein Obama became president of the United States. Because of this radical move, people from outside of the US embraced America and American pop culture, and soon decided that they would start trying to make it big in America. Annoying, peppy, insecurely white youth began watching anime and listening to “K-pop”, celebrating the orient. Non-conformists began listening to Canadian “indie” music and unAmerican shows like Degrassi decided to spread their agenda to the US. People began outright shunning American food for bizarre foreign food. French films like The Artist and every other pretentious film in history became fads among American film enthusiasts.  This rise in support for multiculturalism ultimately culminated in one boy band: One Direction.

    When little girls decided that Bieber was too Canadian and too much of an individual, they rallied silently for some sort of musical savior. Of course, these are not the kind of reasonable young ladies who would find solace in Jesus, but the type of ladies who want a delicate-looking androgynous youngster to help them with their lady problems and to make them feel secure. In comes British media tycoon, Simon Cowell, who decides to profit off of female lunacy, and engineers five young men to start a boy band, One Direction. These boys have extremely British names-Harry, Louis, Liam, Niles and Zane, and each is a specimen of pure, unadulterated female fuel. Unfortunately for us, the power of One Direction may be getting too strong.

    To the untrained male eye, these boys look merely like extremely attractive young children. But the slender physiques, the effete faces and the friendly expressions appeal immensely to its female fanbase. After all, the only thing these young ladies are looking for is someone to relate to, to discuss menstrual cycles with, to have dance parties and go shopping with. The pure benign looks that compose this group manipulate women into becoming something far worse, and despite the supposed innocence involved with a preoccupation with this group, there are frightening dangers involved. One Direction’s fans are called “Directioners”, because they’re all female and thus missed the opportunity to call themselves the “erections”. They are extremely rampant on the pornographic site Tumblr, and they like to send me messages about their fetishization of this group. The thing about Directioners is that they seem to think that everyone else belongs to their little cult, and if they don’t, then it is clearly mandatory to shove their love for these five twinks down my throat, ignoring the First Amendment in the process.

    Because all of the members of the group are British or Irish, I, as an American and as a patriot, feel quite threatened. Why do we allow dirty Europeans to hijack our culture? It simply is wrong. I remember the days back when America ruled, and culture was ours to steal. All of the other nations were adopting American customs, and this was taken to its greatest point when Ronald Reagan, legendary American president and hero, destroyed the iron curtain single-handedly, and making the entirety of America proud to be on top. Of course, England is now butthurt that its sovereignty was slayed by Jesus in the revolutionary war, and has been trying to take revenge for the past while. One Direction may be its most vicious attack so far.

    One Direction are like human cats. Cats are the vilest, most despicable scum in the animal world, which is really quite sad considering just how vindictive their ruling has been for the past eternity. One Direction is trying to claim America’s greatness, and is using its army as a weapon. Through slash fanfiction and titillating homoerotic behavior, One Direction is trying to destroy the one thing that makes America better than every other country on earth:  Traditional marriage. While those wacky Europeans are off getting gay married, Americans are raising healthy, Christian families. As young ladies are becoming more and more infatuated with One Direction, they destroy the essential fabric of America.

    One Direction has no place in the Christian home and may lead to radical, cultist behavior within your daughter or confused son. Though their music may seem innocuous and empowering, it is very unhealthy and destructive, and if it continues, will steamroll over all of the principles God gave us in the Constitution. Your children should be sheltered from the alluring dazzle of their looks, and please ensure your wife as well understands how to conduct herself in the potential presence of this national threat. We must destroy the effect of One Direction before the opposite happens.

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    About The Author
    Christopher Christenson Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

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