It was a cold and rainy day in Portland, Oregon. I was waiting at the bus stop to perform my weekly bus mission, and then Hell on Earth happened. As I stood there, minding my own business, waiting for the bus to pick me up so I could save more souls, a nightmare, so hellish, happened. Before I continue my story, you may want to ask any women, children or those faint of heart to leave the room.
As you all know, I do a weekly bus mission where I share my love of Jesus with the gays and minorities that ride public transportation. (Sidenote: I think the gays just ride it because of how bumpy the ride is) I bring along a security team furnished by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, but they get on the bus two stops ahead of me so they can weed out any trouble makers and such. This proved to be a nearly fatal flaw in my plan on this evening.
It was 5 o’clock P.M. during rush hour, I like to get the most bang for my buck on these mission trips, and I was waiting patiently for my bus to arrive. As I stood there going over notes for my sermon, I noticed something suspicious out of the corner of my eye. Standing across the street from me was a teenage tribal gang-banger wearing a hoodie, and with Trayvon Martin being in the news lately, I knew he could be up to no good.
I decided to not racially profile this tar baby hoodlum, and just go back to reading my notes, but I made sure to keep one eye on him at all times. As I was perusing my notes, I noticed that he began walking across the street, or as the kids say, “swaggering”. At this point, I was getting anxious to board my bus and start witnessing to the unwashed masses, so I wasn’t really thinking about the sin-skinned gang member in the hoodie headed directly towards me with rape in his eyes.
As he inched closer, I could see the beads of tribal rage sweat dripping from his forehead. He obviously had malice in his heart, and most likely Ebola in his blood. With my security team waiting two stops away, I was on my own. I quickly realized that this situation would come down to, me or him. I was not planning on being the next notch on his rape/murder post that day. All that I could think of was that poor boy George Zimmerman, and his tragic story that spawned the new trend of Trayvoning.
Now he was merely 5 feet from me, I had to think quickly, what would Jesus do? I reached into my jacket and placed my hand on my Desert Eagle .50 Cal, and waited. As he slowly moved towards me, I believe he was moving slowly because his pants were practically around his ankles, I started to feel a bit nervous. I began praying for God to guide my mind and my bullets in the proper direction. Just as I finished my prayer, he was on top of me, like a monkey on a banana! It was the most frightening moment of my life, when he brushed against my shoulder. I was about to pull my gun and finish this brutal assault before it escalated, but then the bus arrived and I was ushered on board by my security team. It was at that moment that I realized, I just saved that criminal’s life. I truly am a hero.
As the bus pulled away, I noticed him handing a dollar to a homeless man. I had turned this young tribal hoodlum almost into a citizen by not protecting myself with a bullet to the head. After that experience, I changed my entire sermon on the bus, I told them all this story about how I saved the life of a black, and as I was leaving the bus they cheered my heroics. A large woman in bright clothes came up to me as I was leaving and gave me a giant hug. Somehow, my wallet was missing afterwards though. Oh well, All in a day’s work for the Lord, I guess. This story should prove once and for all, I am NOT a racist, I saved the life of a black! God Bless You All.