This is an excerpt from my famed radio essay, If I were the Devil. (Warning for a Nation)
IF I WERE THE DEVIL - BY Abe Goodman
If I were the devil, I’d make Earth my very home.
My first act would be to trick everyone into voting a Muslim terrorist into office! I would groom my child in a madrasa, so that he would know the tongue of terror. I would then groom him at Harvard, so he would know the tongue of the educated.
Then I would trick everyone into voting him for president. If I were the devil, I would pick Barack Obama to be the leader of Earth and America.
With my minion in place, I would make this the New Anti-American Century.
I would fly around Earth, whispering my music into the ears of your children. I whisper to them, “Children, oh children, hear my words. Skrillex and Electronic Dance Music is not pure crap, it is the music of your soul. Buy the CDs and do all the things they tell you to do: abortion orgies, candy LSD, disobeying your parents. Do it all!”
When you foolish parents let your children go to Coachella and pledge their soul to me with every tokey toke of a bonged hit and uttering of a praise song to me, I would laught with delight!
You see, all music not of God is a praise unto me.
If I were the devil, I’d make vampire the new teenage idol.
I would laugh with pleasure when Godly teenage heartthrobs like Dick Clark and The Macho Man passed away. I would personally help Daniel Radcliffe, The Black Veiled Brides, Edward Cullen and every other dark vampire on Earth squeeze into their 80s slutty girl jeans and tickle your sons and daughters with thoughts of drugged up lesbianism, witchcraft and sparkly sins.
Television and movies would only get worse and worse. I would brainwash everyone to think “only sex and violence will sell”. I would trick big book companies into thinking they should only help market writers who produce crappy stories of teenage orifice pounding and sappy romance with unreal beings, instead of fine works of prose that encourages thinking about the direction of modern culture and media.
Every novel produced would be just a slice right out of my new age Bible of unethical, trite and boring imaginings. Future generations would look upon the works with disgust, but guess what: all future generations will be subdued by me, because the elite took no time to read through he words of warning of where our culture is going wrong now.
My hands are fully controlling literature, movies, music and television. My hands control the internet. Anyone who goes against the grain of perceived ‘justice and political correctness’ is quickly called biased and attacked by idiotic dolts who are under my control. While those being defended tear down the very sites and pages meant to defend them, I would laugh with delight. Because the idiots who were once defended are their own undoing.
If I were Satan, I would encourage idiots to immediately violate the first amendment, the very law God tried to give them to protect them and let others defend them as they see fit. I would chuckle and rub myself furiously, oh so furiously, until I exploed with excited high heats hotter than the most wrathful day God gives me in hell. I could take it, if I were the devil.
If I were the devil, I would scrap NASA.
When the Space Shuttle Discovery ended America’s mission to spread into space and beyond, making the most powerful nation dream of more than the petty arguments of Earth, I had my second greatest victory of all time. A grounded America is an America without ambition, drive and desire. Without those things, God’s favorite country is nothing but a third world cesspool of consumerism and blase compliance. It is not the land of dreams, but rather a stagnant nightmare that I will always make seem worse and worse.
If I were the devil, I would create 24 hour news programs dedicated to only tearing America apart. No matter what good anyone on ‘the other side’ did, I would always spin it to be evil. That way, no one ever things progress is being made. America would become a land of mistrust, hopelessness and despair. Those three things make my chest firm with excitement, it makes me pant with lust. It makes me know, America is doomed. And the idiots are doing it to themselves.
If I were the devil, I would tell everyone I didn’t exist.
Atheists do not believe in me. That is okay. Because even if I don’t exist, I really do. I exist in every person who blindly jumps into judgment of others. I exist in every person who seeks to destroy that they do not understand. I exist in every person who does not love Ronald Reagan and all that he stands for.
In a twinkling moment and a blink of an eye, I can exist in you.
If I were the devil, I’d invade you. And maybe, just maybe, you would not even know it.