Rick Santorum is the Archangel Michael.
In the bible, the Archangel Michael is God’s favorite angel — the angel mentioned in Revelation as the LEADER of God’s armies and the one responsible for banishing Satan to a fiery, hellish existence, worse than anything M. Night Shemaleyan could conjure up. If my brothers at the Westboro Baptist Church were able to have a mascot, it’d be Michael, adorned in blood-stained garments, clutching a flaming, golden sword, touched by the hand of God.
Michael’s brash leadership and passion for the Lord, our God, has long thought to exist only in the Bible, tucked away until the Day of Judgement. Yet, watching the American political landscape and the candidate race, I can’t help but notice this legendary man, the Archangel Michael in our midst.
After much prayer, God has decreed to me that I should bring this evidence to national attention.
That man, the one who Michael has embodied, a son of God, is Rick Santorum — a God-fearing, non-Mormon, family-orientated, pornography hating, homo-smiter.
(Supporting LOCAL AMERICAN business, not outsourcing to India.)
Yes, Rick Santorum loves a man — that man is God.
During Santorum’s campaign he has shown remarkable courage in the face(s) of adversity — Gay Homosexuals in jock straps frolicking about at his campaign rallies, with their diseased and weathered testicles flopping around, attempting to derail the momentum of the valiant Santorum’s efforts to cleanse America of its sinful and wretched.
The threat of God-less Muslim extremists in Iran who have managed to frighten Hussein Obama into allowing them to continue with their nuclear arms program.
Liberal Media smear campaigns, that include internet search engine Google listing Santorum’s name as a disgusting sex act done by gay homo pedophiles.
(Ed. Note: Google was founded by a gay Danish man. “Google” means to perform oral sex on another man until the giver can no longer breath — i.e. “I totally Googled Bradley Cooper last night”)
—
While these events would break a normal man and force him to succumb to the pressure, Santorum has trucked on, blazing a path of righteous hatred for all those wicked folks who bask in their own inequities. It is in the face of adversary, that we see Michael reveal his presence.
Revelations 12: 7-9 states — “there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven.”
This battle has already begun. The dragon in this instance represents the phallic nature of the sinfully lustful gay homo community. Already we have seen gays try to posion Santorum with their message of acceptance and blind obedience.
And Santorum has fought back, braver than ever. He kicked out two gay homos for simulating sex acts at one of his rallies and THEN formed a prayer group for them in order to reclaim their souls for the lord.
His battles against the vices of society are mirror images of Michael’s plightin Revelation.
Pornography? Banned under his rule, and for good measure. Rehab centers in cities nationwide are full of sexually rambunctious youths, willing to “experiment” sexually for hard drugs, such as ecstasy or a new Skrillex MP3 — often times with members of the SAME sex!
The Chinese would no longer be able to spread their lax moral code regarding sex and cheap labor, as Santorum would undoubtedly build numerous manufacturing opportunities in vibrant, blue-collar, heterosexual communities such as Detroit, Cleveland or Stockton.
In the Middle East, cave-dwelling savages known as “Muslims” threaten to disrupt the American way of life which we enjoy, by threatening to use crudely-built nuclear weapons, in a manner similar to 9/11. Where known “Muslim” sympathizer Hussein Obama has acquiesced to these demands, Santorum (or Michael) has let it be known that he will use the full might of US Military technology (God’s Armies) to vanquish these folks back to where they came from (Iran or “Hell”).
Gay Homos shall be smite with the fury of ten thousand Sodomites. God is angrier than ever at America for allowing such a vile, inhumane act to run rampant throughout the country. Men kissing other men, Craig’s List being a erotic homo breeding ground, lesbians with bad haircuts exploring each other at a dubstep concert, young children wearing “Lady Gaga” clothing — the gay homo influence has spread to poison the tip of every tongue in America.
Michael also had to battle these vices in Revelation. Is Santorum a reflection of Michael? Is this biblical prophecy coming true, AGAIN? I’d venture to say yes, as the bible has never steered me wrong before.
The lord smote Egypt. He smote Sodom. And through Santorum he shall smote gay homos.
He’ll be everywhere — magazines, newspapers, televisions, movies, books. There will be a ton of Santorum.
A vote for Santorum might very well mean the end of days. And I’m A-OK with that.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Mark E. Figs
Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)
7:03 pm
Pfft…You really believe this? Even if Santorum gets in office, nothing will change in regards to homosexuals. There will alway be homosexuals and there’s nothing you or Santorum can do to change that.
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7:44 pm
This article legitimately makes me mad, because when I got confirmed, by Saint was Michael the Archangel.
I even have a prayer card of him stabbing a demon in my wallet that I keep on me at all times in order to give me strength to not punch people who are being idiots and know in my heart that eventually God will punch them instead. Preferably with a truck… but if God decides to punish them with playing Pokemon and encountering nothing but Zubat’s or finding out that all of their shoes are missing I’ll take that too.
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7:49 pm
“…because when I got confirmed, by Saint was Michael the Archangel.”
Can you explain what this means? I’m at loss here…
“that I keep on me at all times in order to give me strength to not punch people who are being idiots and know in my heart that eventually God will punch them instead.”
I like this…Kind of a karma thing going on…
“punish them with playing Pokemon and encountering nothing but Zubat’s”
Ahh…I like Zubat because Crobat is awesome…
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8:02 pm
The Catholic pedo-cult has a ceremony called “confirmation” in which kids aged about 12 get formally admitted as full members of the cartel, but they do this using the name of a Catholic saint.
My confirmation name was St Thomas More, a good and revered Catholic who personally tortured people in front of his own children and then had them burned to death because their religious beliefs were slightly different to his own.
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8:06 pm
Wow.
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8:11 pm
Oh wait, I decided I wanted to read up on him, and holy shit, he’s actually hella interesting.
He had a play written about him, he was influenced heavily by Shakespeare, and he wrote a book called ‘Utopia,’ personally, I find the ideas of Utopia’s fascinating, mostly because they’re so surreal, oh, but then he was found guilty for treason in about 15 minutes by the jury, and then promptly executed.
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11:44 pm
The Catholics do love making saints out of torture-killers, like Robert Bellarmine, who had the Giordano Bruno burned.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Bellarmine#New_duties_after_1589
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11:45 pm
BTW, Thomas More died 30 years before Shakespeare was born.
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3:26 am
I didn’t say that William Shakespeare wrote his play.
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3:29 am
I’m sorry, I said that wrong. I meant that his play was written in collaboration by William Shakespeare along with several others, but he heavily William Shakespeare. I completely turned that all the way around by mistake. Sorry for the confusion.
I don’t know about that, but I do know that most serial killers are heavily religious, and also hideously interesting.
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5:43 pm
I’m still confused…
Are you saying that Shakespeare and others collaborated on a play about Thomas More?
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6:31 pm
There is a play titled Thomas More and it’s about him.
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6:46 pm
Ah, OK.
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8:17 pm
For pick up, just use an Aipom or Ambipom. He keeps the pick up ability even when he evolves so he can be useful for battle as well
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8:20 pm
Oops…Totally the wrong spot for this…This was meant for Millenium…
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8:03 pm
Okay, you know that first you get Baptized when you’re born in Christianity, right? You go through Confirmation when you’re a young adult (or older, if that’s how things work out), which is basically going to Catholic school and reading the bible for about two years, and then at the end of all that, there is a big ceremony and the Priest blesses you and you make a promise to God that you believe in him. And then you choose a Saint that you pray to and live by. I chose Saint Michael, because not only is he a bad-ass, but he’s the patron of the Police, so he’s also a protector, and not only that, but he also helps things like investigations, and he’s kind to strangers, but strict with law-breakers. So yeah, Grade A Bad Ass.
Yeah, I’m a firm believer in the what goes around comes around kinda thing. I’m also a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to every day things, like, if I want to do good on a test I have to wear a certain shirt and make sure my book shelf is in order, so I’m pretty big on karma and things of that sort, accept I believe God has a hand in things, whether it be little or big. My thing is, everything scientific is true, like the Big Bang and dinosaurs and the universe in general, but because God made it that way, do you see what I’m getting at? And the bible isn’t so much as EVERYTHING IN HERE IS 100% true, but more of a guidebook on how to make decisions in your life and be a good person and not a bag of dicks. Which is why I find the Jesus Meme on Tumblr hilarious. Like the “So I was like, Guys, Seriously, don’t judge people. Then right after I left they, like, started judging people??” or the “So I was like, Bro, do you want someone to do that to you? Well, then don’t do it to them.” (Jesus is so fabulous)
The point is after nothing of Zubat’s it makes one want to destroy the game. Or maybe not Zubat’s. Maybe….a sea of tentacool.
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8:05 pm
If you’re not into judging people, how do you feel about the Catholic cartel’s judgement of homogays?
And about the lies they spread through Africa about condoms causing AIDS?
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8:19 pm
I don’t think anyone should be judged on their sexual preference, whether it be gay, bi, transexual, asexual, pansexual, whatever. You can want to have sex with a pie for all I care and as long as you’re not hostile towards me I will heat the pie up for you.
Considering that bit about condoms and aids I think that has less to do about judging people and more about how concerned I am about how people are getting this information from.
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9:12 pm
In my day we called pansexuals WHORE which is what they are.
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9:34 pm
when I get ready for a big test, I set a book out in front of me and then fall asleep. usually sports me an A
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10:25 pm
I don’t judge them either way for it. If a person wants to sleep with one person or have sex with every body they meet that is their business and more power to them, as long as they treat me like a person I will treat them like a person.
4pr1cot you have no idea how much I want that to happen to me.
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11:05 pm
“Pansexuals?”
“Piesexuals?”
This kind of filth talk does not belong on this holy website.
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11:31 pm
Well, I said it. Deal with it.
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11:41 pm
“how concerned I am about how people are getting this information from.”
They are getting it from the Catholic church. The Catholic church lies to Africans to scare them away from using condoms.
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12:49 am
Well, of course I don’t think that’s right, but considering how ridiculous that sounds, I don’t think many people are buying it.
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2:03 am
” I don’t think many people are buying it.”
On what grounds do you make that statement?
How much education do you think the average sub-Saharan African has had?
How much sex education do you think the average sub-Saharan African has had?
The Catholic church has been lying to Africans about condoms spreading AIDS for decades.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/oct/09/aids
I doubt that you have travelled much, but in many poor and/or remote places in the world there is only one shopkeeper in town.
If that shopkeeper refuses to sell condoms because of the lies and idiot ideology of the Catholic church — or because the village priest is looking over his shoulder, what do you think that does for condom availability?
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2:07 am
And look at the kind of lying, scare-campaign billboards that American Catholic groups fund in Africa.
http://www.jillstanek.com/archives/2008/03/faithful_condom.html
I think you’re a good person, CD. What you need to realise is that the Catholic church is evil.
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3:37 am
I believe you misunderstand me. People are evil. Persons are not. I know that there are people of my faith that are terrible and evil, and just as it’s the same of any faith. There are terrible, horrible people in the world, and they are of every color, every sex, every religion, every age, and any other category they are placed in. As you very well know, I don’t put much stock in people. I dislike people very much. In fact, I hate people as a general rule, but the fact of the matter is that I love individuals, and that is what I am, an individual. I am an individual that believes in God, that believes in Jesus Christ, that believes he died on the cross for our sins. That is what the Catholic Church believes, and therefore that is how I identify myself, but I am not defined by other people in my faith. That is like saying that as a writer, I can be defined by how other writers behave. That is not the case. The same can be said as my identity of an artist, as a fan of certain types of movies and books. How other people behave that have a correlation to the things I may enjoy or identify with have no correlation with me. They are not me. They take things from the world and they turn it into something that is theirs, and it is something that I can never touch, and that is how it is with my faith, and just as there are bad Catholics, there are good ones as well, that disagree with what the church is doing, but that doesn’t mean we should just give up and move on to another faith.
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4:42 am
OK, so you ally yourself with an evil institution and you support it in all its evil works while absolving yourself of any responsibility for that.
Who can blame you? It’s the Catholic thing to do!
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12:10 pm
Or you can not listen to a single word I said. That’s cool too.
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5:49 pm
I read it, CD.
The fact remains that you are a member of an organisation that spreads lies about AIDS that kills Africans.
You are a member of an organisation that protects and enables the rapists of children, and sadists who beat and torture children.
You are a member of an organisation that describes homosexuals as “disordered” and denies them equal rights — for instance by obtaining exemptions to anti-discrimination legislation so it can deny employment to gays.
You can’t say that that has nothing to do with you because you are still a member of that church.
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8:11 pm
Wow…two seperate explanations…that did clear things up for me so thank you both of you.
“everything scientific is true, like the Big Bang and dinosaurs and the universe in general, but because God made it that way, do you see what I’m getting at?”
Actually I do know what you’re getting at because my belief is similar.
“The point is after nothing of Zubat’s it makes one want to destroy the game. Or maybe not Zubat’s. Maybe….a sea of tentacool.”
I knew what you were getting at, I was just poking fun…Still like Crobat though…Also like Tentacruel though…Just as long as it isn’t a bunch of Bidoofs I’m fine.
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8:15 pm
One time I encountered nothing but Zigzagoon for a week. I was on the verge of murder. Then I found a Sharpedo and the spell was broken.
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8:19 pm
Ehhhh…I forgot about Zigzagoon…I generally don’t like Normal types…0 strengths with 1 weakness…Grass types FTW!
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8:25 pm
I don’t like normal types either. I actually favor Fire and Plant types. I have no idea why.
I just finished watching a new anime yesterday called Fooly Cooly, pronounced Furi Curi, and it’s only six episodes and I watched them all and I had no fucking clue what happened.
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8:28 pm
You watched FLCL? I love that short-as-hell anime!
” I had no fucking clue what happened.”
You and pretty much everybody whose ever watched it…
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8:33 pm
My friend Santiago, the one who’s a bigger nerd than I am, was hanging out with me and my older sister and we were watching TF: Prime for a bit and then he was all, we should watch FLCL and then we watched the first two episodes and me and my sister were just WTF? and he laughed and said we’d understand eventually and nope, bastard lied.
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8:13 pm
zigzagoon the little racoon thingy I love them for their “pick up” ability otherwise they are useless (rare candies)
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8:22 pm
For pick up, just use an Aipom or Ambipom (monkeys with hands on their tails). He keeps the pick up ability even when he evolves so he can be useful for battle as well
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9:31 pm
“stabbing a demon in my wallet” that’s what makes Michael the most badass angel.
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10:25 pm
You don’t get to be a bad ass any other way.
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1:20 am
you could overthrow the most powerful government body in the known world.
http://zbfjeg.bay.livefilestore.com/y1pmdzFakyuqPceUJX0Srk4QfiLhzZWHhItV1aplrv4yxOfs6rIoq4Kktk4VT-g6GpMuYxkC7ZHHQM
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3:21 am
Well, now it looks like you’re going to be getting down on your hands and knees before Saint “Michael” Santorum. Pretty cool. Are you still Christian?
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3:39 am
Was there a Freudian slip in there Adam, because I read gay porn enough already. Don’t play that game with me, because you will lose.
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3:45 am
I’m not playing games with you at all, why do you always accuse me of such things? I’m just trying to find some common ground with you there, munequita.
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3:52 am
So, when you commented about getting on one’s hand and knees, is that a psychological trigger you have when trying to get hostile? You do know that in a society that highly censors sex, you have associated sex with negative aspects. Perhaps its a hidden urge you have to get on YOUR hands and knees? I hope you identify with these subconscious desires. They could stifle you as you get older, which could lead you to having rage problems, and until you deal with it you’ll fall for unattainable and distant men.
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3:56 am
I’m not sure how this conversation switched over to sex talk, Celestial. I was simply talking about praying. I’m not sure where you’re getting all the other from, unless you’re hitting on me in some weird way. Is that what this is all about. You want me on hands and knees before you? This is just all so confusing right now.
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4:05 am
Look, this conversation isn’t about me, it’s about your homoerotic tendencies. I’m sorry you can’t recognize it.
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4:16 am
You’re the one trying to entice me with advances and turning the conversation into sexy talk. You seem very appealing and I’m sure you’re a very cute, wonderful person, but I’m just too mature for you, buckaroo. Maybe in a few years, we can go out for dinner and meet-up and things will go from there. I’ve been up this route with Claire before and it just gets messy. I enjoy your orations here and imagining things from your point of view, even when you’re wrong. Let’s just stay friends and debate partners, okay. Can you cope with that?
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12:05 pm
I just really want you to get over your disorder okay, before you hurt someone. This is very serious, and you can really harm someone. Go see a doctor before it’s too late.
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7:49 pm
Implementing a nation-wide program in school curriculum to phase out homosexuals and promote a Christian lifestyle is vital for this campaign. I fully believe that Santorum is capable of eradicating this filthy practice.
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7:54 pm
“phase out homosexuals and promote a Christian lifestyle is vital for this campaign”
You can’t “phase” out homosexuality. There will always be homosexuals.
Promote Christian lifestyles…You know, just because someone isn’t Christian dosen’t make them a bad person.
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8:18 pm
You’re right, non-Christian’s aren’t bad people — they are pond scum, seething with sin and capable of committing murder and arson.
You can phase out Homosexuality. Eugenics, if done properly, are the perfect way to eradicate the homosexual influence. Through selective breeding and close analysis, we can reclaim this country for Christ.
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8:22 pm
” they are pond scum, seething with sin and capable of committing murder and arson.”
What?! Are you kidding me?! Get of your high horse. Christians aren’t the only people capable of doing good, anyone is capable.
Christians and commit murder and arson too. It’s not like you guys are crime free.
“. Through selective breeding and close analysis, we can reclaim this country for Christ.”
You can’t breed out homosexuality either…
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9:37 pm
I;m probbably the only Christian here. and I’M seething in sin.
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10:41 pm
So Marky, what you’re saying is, you want to install a tyranny because you hate America, right?
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8:22 pm
so wait if I follow correctly promote as into “forcing” christian lifestyle into your country like Brainwashed people and you will become a Nation wide Sect ?
or you prefer a Nationwide Religion
iun other word it’s dangerous for people INSIDE and OUTSIDE USA
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7:03 pm
This. Is without a doubt. The stupidest article on this site.
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7:32 pm
Perhaps you should go back to your pedophile-enabling Anime and doing cocaine off of phone books, herbert fannie.
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7:59 pm
what proof do you have that Anime enables pedophils, I watch such anime, and that I do cocaine?
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7:40 pm
Well Saint Michael was the one archangel to kill the serpent of hell in the great battle of Heaven vs. Hell.
Wouldn’t logic dictate that Saint Michael is Samuel L. Jackson?
Okay yeah, that was a joke. Seriously, don’t compare Michael to Santorum. Michael is a bad ass. And unless I see a news report sometime soon of Santorum running around and kicking the shit out of serial killers than I’m afraid they have nothing in common.
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8:03 pm
You think this archangel Michael really exists? Have you been huffing spray paint out of a supermarket bag or something?
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8:22 pm
Considering I believe in God, then yes, I believe in Michael the Archangel, but I don’t think he’s been reincarnated and walking around zapping people.
Why hell would I want to snuff spray paint? I’m already weird enough as it is. This morning, actually, when I was washing my hair, I combed it out and stared at my mirror for twenty minutes laughing profusely and screaming I AM LOKI until my roommates came in and threw a pillow at me.
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9:42 pm
I believe I AM Micheal the Archangel!
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10:26 pm
That’s pretty cool! Sometimes when I go out I tell people I’m Captain America. Brofist!
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2:03 pm
brohoof to you, too. I don’t really believe it but I hold his qualities in the highest regard.
plus my name is Michael
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2:39 pm
Sweet.
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4:50 am
“Considering I believe in God, then yes, I believe in Michael the Archangel”
Belief in a god does not necessitate belief in angels of any sort.
If this asshole Michael is such a great guy, why didn’t he get off his feathery arse and come down and kill Hitler?
Was it because he was actually happy to see Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals and communists being murdered in their millions? That would be very Catholic of him.
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11:52 am
“If this asshole Michael is such a great guy, why didn’t he get off his feathery arse and come down and kill Hitler?”
Same could be said about God. Why didn’t he erase Hitler from existence, why does he allow death and disease to exist, why did he create humans in the first place, why does he allow so much suffering on Earth? When you get right down to it, if you’re going to bitch about an Archangel, why not bitch about their boss?
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12:09 pm
God gave us free will, and therefor we have to choose decisions for ourselves that lead to the wrong things, leading people to getting hurt. How many times do you think God or his angels interfere, really? You can’t say, and I can’t answer, but yes, terrible things happen in the world, and they happen all the time. If you’re going to argue about Michael, why not argue the same thing about God?
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5:54 pm
LN, very true. For once I agree with you.
CD, Free will is a Catholic doctrine. Other Christian sects, notably Calvinists, believe in determinism.
You can’t just assert free will as fact.
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6:33 pm
I believe that free will is ineffable.
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6:48 pm
Uh… how is it “ineffable”?
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8:26 pm
why god didnt kill hitler ? oh right because he didnt exist
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12:19 am
Tell that to CD. She’s the believer.
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2:41 pm
Is that a horn I see sticking out of the right side of your head? What happened with the one on the left?
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11:43 pm
I lost it in a hunting accident.
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9:12 pm
donesnt seem too morally correct to me, he has a giant chode in his mouth
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9:17 pm
oh, shit, your part of WESTBORO!?!?!??!? go burn in your own hell, and tell fred phelps that i have personally made it my life’s goal to make sure that he, and people like him, get locked away in a prison that makes guantanamo bay look like a resort by comparison for life, and i sincerely hope that he dies a slow VERY painful, death
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9:44 pm
Just shoot em
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10:45 pm
Too kind an act for the Soulless Phelps.
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2:05 pm
it gets the job done, I’m more concerned with getting rid of a problem rather than making it pay.
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5:55 pm
Shooting is too kind for Phelps? What about the pope?
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12:42 am
Pastor Phelp’s message is Biblically based (most of it anyway). If you hate his righteous message you hate the word of God.
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1:35 am
I hate Ignorance. unknowingly causing problems for the entirety of the world. it is done in a twisted sense of devotion, and not at all out of a necessity to cause disorder.
he doesn’t even know how wrong he is. it would be something I’d do just to stir some mischief. gotta find the balance. absolute neutrality. he thinks he is doing the world a favor. not only is he causing problems he’s not even doing it effectively. efficiency. go in fast and hard, keep things smooth.
I am reminded of a Haiku that I’ve kept close to my heart
Haiku’s are really fun
but sometimes they don’t make sense
refrigerator.
as a vomit out the last of my mindmoil before collapsing onto my bed, I just want to say: Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword.
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1:46 am
“I hate Ignorance. unknowingly causing problems for the entirety of the world….”
I agree, Atheist are a serious threat to our world (maybe the universe).
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1:51 am
Christians are the ones that are ignorant.
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12:44 pm
CR, why do you never admit that you’re wrong? Why are you so hellbent on killing Jesus with your cardinal sin of Pride?
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12:38 am
Rick Santorum has a beautiful, Godly soul. He is a messenger from God and I would frankly not be surprised if he is indeed Michael. Rick Santorum will forever battle evil and sin, and Christianity will reclaim victory and glory!
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2:04 pm
Ay Cher Mio!
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2:11 pm
>Rick Santorum wins presidency
>declares all non believers terrorists
>genocide
>?
>profit
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2:28 pm
Archangel*
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3:55 pm
Just to hear him speak makes me grovel and leak
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