The Four Most Dangerous Drugs Your Child Did at Coachella 2012 Bonnaroo Tent
If your son or daughter is posting images of their fun time at “Coachella 2012″, rest assured that they are likely drug addicts by now. Your daughter has a 75% chance of being pregnant and even worse, it is most likely a scaby baby. We won’t even terrify you fathers with knowledge of what horrors docked into your son’s backside if he were foolish enough to pass out, which ussually does happen at some point during Coachella’s exhausting weekend of sin.
Coachella 2012 is a music festival that takes place in the “Valley of the Homeless”. The valley is where most of the nomadic hippies of the 1970s finally settled. With The Dave Matthews Band and Jack Johnson now growing old to the collegiate ear, today’s yuppie children are looking for a new ‘outlet’ of mellow, chill music. Sadly, they are being lured by a band named The Phish, the new Pied Pipers of Marijuana who beat their hippie drums, gypsy tamborines and play their magical lutes as they lure college children to a festival that now attracts over 1 million people and results in acts of rampant drug induced pregnancy and shameful counts of LSD marinated reverse sodomizations of Gomorrhal iniquities.
1. Uncle Tweety Flipper’s Liquid LSD
Eyes perpetually glossed with the most addictive marijuana residues and spirits all but defunct, the mouths of naive Coachella raver chicks chirp open in sexual glee as they wait to be plied with more Tweetie Flipper’s liquid ecstasy induced acid trips.
Uncle Tweety’s Liquid Flipper packs the punch of carmalized 8 ball crystals and the addictive properties of raw cut maryjane. It’s said one ounce of this substance has a pheremone effect on women. It will cause them to immediately feel overheated and strip, arching their back like a crack addicted cat in heat and only feeling satisfied when they are mounted by one of the many diseased hippies who attend this festival. Liquid Flipper resembles Jelly Beans and has origins in the ‘jelly belly’ raver community of Florida.
To enter Coachella, everyone must first go through what’s called the Bonnaroo Tent to be ID’d. Women must receive a ‘tramp stamp’ on their backs, face, tongue or hands. The stamp is placed using heavy Henna Ink. The ‘tramp stamp’ marking signifies where a guy can ‘release himself’ should he mount a passed out woman for fornication: the tramp stamp is a pre-signed agreement that the woman acknowledges while she is sober. Unfortunately, the entire situation is bad and most men just go all the way with your college daughter at Coachella, not bothering to ‘pull it out’ and use the premarked areas.
The reality of the situation is grim but true. This year alone an estimated 820,000 college women were in attendance and regardless of where they placed their designated tramp stamp, over 60% of them are now pregnant and crying. Do you want this to be your daughter?
492,000 college women are now going to become foodstamp mothers with only a few years of college under their belts. Just one weekend and liquid jelly filled capsule of Uncle Tweety’s Liquid Flipper LSD ruined them.
Is your daughter looking a bit pudgy after her first year in college? If so, ask her if she’s been to Coachella. She’s either pregnant or immediately started Plan B and subsequent birth control because she’s addicted to Tweety Flipper. The Phish are known peddlers of filthy music, but how sick that their tunes are also used as the background music to all the college women subjected to the powerful effects of this compound.
2. Trippy Hippy Granules (Magic Mint Qualuudes)
Our good friends at LA Weekly helped document the effects of this substance. Qualuudes are a new street drug that investigators estimate took origin in the SoHo area of New York. Likely imported to the US by Cuban nationals, the mind-altering drug has now made its way to the West Coast where it is massively produced and consumed by the jobless hippies who habitate the Coachella Valley.
Qualuudes have a very, very bitter taste, so are mixed with the most addictive drug known to man: magic mint. This version of Whacko Tobacco, as the kids called it, is also known as Satan’s Sulfur Smoke (SSS). The SSS is a play on word on how when mixed together and heated, the magic mint and qualuudes make a S sound, like a homosexual snake with a lisp. When the vapors reach the nose of the imbiber, the effects are immediate and the shameful acts not remembered.
Look at this video footage:
Photo Courtesy LA Weekly
The young man in the image is showing the classic signs of Trippy Hippy consumption. Notice how he has already removed his shirt and has no shame. He cares not that people in the crowd are looking at him do his ‘dubstep’ walk. Notice how the boxers are still exposed, as he probably just finished an epic mount on one of the passed out Uncle Tweety chirpers from up above.
Trippy Hippy causes an explosive release of adrenaline in the body. Those who consume it have been noted to run at speeds of over 50 miles per hour, able to dead life over 600 pounds and are subject to harmful bouts of raging priapism.
The young man in this video can keep up this dancing, superhumanly fast docking of passed out women and raging priapism for at least 5 or 6 hours before passing out, where he himself will likely become the victim of a throbbing gristle and not remember a thing when the drug concoction wears off.
3. Skillex Drops Pops
Named after the crater-prone founder of dubstep, Skrillex Drops are probably the greatest threat against your daughter’s unfertilized womb. The droplets are made from strong bases such as soap and shampoo, in which fertility pills are massively dissolved over high heats. The medicinal mixture is then mixed with heavy carmael, cocao beans, a jungle list of ‘hallucinogens’ and sugar. Strong coffee is then added to the mixture until a volume of 2 cups is reached, at which point is is blended to make Ice Blended Skrillex Drops.
This harmful product is usually consumed off a popsicle stick and is said to taste just like a Starbucks Drink, leaving the women who consume it frisky, fertile and fervent in their attempts to force themselves on a man.
4. Phunky Phish Acid Candies
It’s rare to find a freshly bathed hippie, raver or hipster. All of the demographics relish in the fermenting funks of humanism, hence their vehement defense of destructive concepts like free love, socialism and music festivals that only the jobless have time to attend.
For every five college women that attend Coachella, the CDC confirms that 3 have an 80% chance of becoming pregnant with scaby babies. Their minds will be so mussed from all the smoked drugs and mindless gyrations they won’t know until weeks later. We won’t even terrify you fathers with what all likely happened to your sons. At least not yet.
If your child has attended Coachella 2012, plan a visit to a psychologist and ask what necessary paperwork needs to be signed to commit your college child to your custody. When you next see your son or daughter, tell them the form is necessary for their next year’s tuition and when they sign it, have them arrested and taken to an emergency room for medical clearance. Then, get them tested for drugs, pregnancy and disease. Please, don’t be shocked when you find out they have all three and focus on rehabing their lives. Coachella is a dangerous festival and is largely to blame for the recent yearly decline of American graduates of college and unemployment rate.
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Author: Mike Watson
Intrepid, bold and dashing, Mike Watson's investigative reporting prowess is only outdone by his burning desire to restore conservative values and morality to America. With a unique penchant for purity, Mike Watson's TV, Radio and writing inspire millions to know the truth behind American culture. Also on Facebook
6:16 pm
Why did you find the need to make up four drugs?
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12:48 pm
I did not make these up. Were you at Coachella this year?
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9:40 am
You did make up four drugs tho. You sound like someone who’s never even actually been to Cochella. Also how the fuck can you possibly call Kraftwerk untalented. That and you seem to think Phish is a new band yet they’ve been around for over 20 years.
You my friend have to be the most uneducated person I’ve ever read anything by. You’re entire article is based on made up facts and complete biased opinion.
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6:21 pm
I’ve heard of those Swedish Phish before. Leave it up to the Norse to make some mind altering candy.
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7:01 pm
I think old ladies sometimes have them to dull their intense pain.
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7:31 pm
Maybe I’ll tell my drug seeker patients to start buying them off Amazon, instead of using their Obamacare to come clog up my hospital.
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6:29 pm
I honestly don’t care that you made up 4 drugs, it’s a funny read.
But can you please stop calling Skrillex the creator of Dubstep, it’s a huge insult to actual dubstep
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6:54 pm
Dubstep is intrinsically insulting to listen to.
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6:55 pm
Well then don’t listen to it.
Look at that, problem solved
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6:58 pm
It still exists though, so it’s a problem. It’s much better if Skrillex and all his dubstep offspring just stepped making that genre. I’d rank it more annoying than disco.
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7:11 pm
If you dont like a genre of music, just ignore it and it won’t effect you whatsoever
” It’s much better if Skrillex and all his dubstep offspring”
1. Skrillex isn’t the creator of Dubstep
2. Skrillex isn’t even Dubstep
Simple as that
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7:50 pm
Skrillex is dubstep.
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7:54 pm
God is Satan.
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7:59 pm
Adam is an idiot
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7:01 pm
Well if Skrillex didn’t invent it then I wouldn’t have to hear those satanic wobbles every night from my neighbor’s dorm now would I?
Nothing sounds quite as soulless as Skrillex and her army of MDMA pumping “wubwub” DJs.
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7:07 pm
Skrillex DIDN’T invent Dubstep. It existed before him.
Hell, he isn’t even Dubstep…Just some crappy trance artist who wishes he was Dubstep
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7:18 pm
So why did he win dubstep artist of the year? He was the first to win the award, because Skrillex is the father of dubstep. Going by Plato’s correct theory of the perfect realm, that means dubstep can get no better than what Skrillex created. And by that rate, it’s horrible music that only gets worse for every artist not Skrillex who copies it. Therefore I say, it’s worse than disco.
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7:23 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI2b7qXUlnE
Listen to this and tell me it doesn’t sound like a Skrillex clone.
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7:24 pm
If you’re referring to the awards Skrillex won at the Grammys, none of them were “best Dubstep artist of the year” and frankly he didn’t deserve any of the awards he won.
” Going by Plato’s correct theory of the perfect realm, that means dubstep can get no better than what Skrillex created. ”
Massive flaw in that theory: HE ISN’T DUBSTEP!
What don’t you understand about this statement?!
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7:27 pm
Who is Skrillex?
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7:28 pm
No matter how many times you say it, Skrillex is recognized as THE premiere and first dubstep artist. Skrillex is dubstep, sorry. And he won a Grammy for it, for all that’s worth. My point in all this is that if Skrillex is the best dubstep has to offer, it’s a horrible form of ‘music’.
I can throw a cat in cold water and have it jump out, screeching, crawling and finally growling and have it make better sounding ‘dubstep’. It’s just a piss poor music, mate. Sorry.
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7:28 pm
“Listen to this and tell me it doesn’t sound like a Skrillex clone.”
Ok…Not sure how this adds to the argument since the argument is about Skrillex not being Dubstep…A video of someone similar to Skrillex isn’t really helping you
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7:29 pm
He’s a lesbian fashionista who makes horrible music, August. He allegedly used Satanic powers to win a Grammy and influence more kids to listen to his ‘music’.
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7:31 pm
“No matter how many times you say it, Skrillex is recognized as THE premiere and first dubstep artist. Skrillex is dubstep, sorry. And he won a Grammy for it, for all that’s worth. My point in all this is that if Skrillex is the best dubstep has to offer, it’s a horrible form of ‘music’.”
Hey stupid, you completely missed the part where Ouroboros said Skrillex is NOT the inventor of dubstep, that he DOESN’T do dubstep music, and he DIDN’T win any kind of award for dubstep.
“I can throw a cat in cold water and have it jump out, screeching, crawling and finally growling and have it make better sounding ‘dubstep’. It’s just a piss poor music, mate. Sorry.”
Aside from the fact that you’d probably throw a cat into cold water just because you’re a sick bastard, you need to not equate Skrillex with dubstep period.
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7:36 pm
Then how do you explain Deadmau5? He’s Dubstep and he was around before Skrillex…How could Skrillex invent something that already existed
“Skrillex is the best dubstep has to offer,”
Dubstep has so much better to offer than Skrillex because isn’t dubstep
“And he won a Grammy for it”
He won an award for best dance/electronica album…But there’s more than Dubstep in that category. Dance/electronica includes stuff like techno and trance as well. The only reason he even won a Grammy is because there’s not too many huge name electronica artists…A lot of people just happen to know Skrillex. There are other artists who deserve the Grammys a lot more than him
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7:39 pm
“Not sure how this adds to the argument since the argument is about Skrillex not being Dubstep…A video of someone similar to Skrillex isn’t really helping you.”
You call yourself a dubstep fan and you don’t even know who Rusko is…
The argument here is that all dubstep sounds like Skrillex. Since Skrillex was the one who invented it.
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7:40 pm
Great article about how people are jealous of Skrillex now that he’s been named the greatest dubstep artist of all time.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2011/sep/29/skrillex-dubstep-interview
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7:42 pm
Adam, what’s 2+2?
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7:49 pm
Claire, if you don’t have anything to contribute relevant to the article I don’t see why you are running off the lips?
I never said such things about cats and this discussion is about Skrillex influencing a new hippie drug culture in Socal. There are bigger things to worry about than your need to try to make me look like a bad guy in front of all your friends and try to ruin my chances of inviting nice people like RD and CD out for lunch maybe sometimes.
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8:56 pm
Where does that say “I drown cats in cold water”. You really should look up Keith Olbermann, you two would have a fun date of making up random facts and fake quotes of good people.
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9:09 pm
I never said I did that.
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9:10 pm
So just what are you saying, Adam, that you never washed a cat and that you gave advice on how to do something you’ve never done?
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9:15 pm
Claire, you try to act all big and mighty when you should have first hand knowledge of how hard it can be to thoroughly wash a cat. Don’t try to act like you don’t have to use craftiness and force when dealing with the little beast. If you weren’t so mean to me all the time, next time I was out East I would swing by and wash your cat for you, since apparently you are afraid to get it wet and use a bit of force when cleaning it.
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9:20 pm
You can quote the article until you are blue in the gills, toots, but the fact is I never said I held cats in ice cold water and put soap in their eyes. Also, see my comment above.
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1:43 pm
I would use some force, but keep it gentle enough that you would surely not complain.
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10:21 am
I agree with you about dubstep, however you’re name makes zero sens. How could one possibly go from thinking with logic I.E. being and athiest to thinking believing made up stories that have zero factual evidence backing them up. Sounds like you have a pretty weak and manipulative mind.
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7:33 pm
Just looked it up. “Skrillex makes music in ‘dubstep, electro house and fidget house.’” So in addition to Dubstep, it looks like this Skrillex guy created Electric House music as well. He’s worse than I first thought.
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7:36 pm
How could he have created dubstep if it was already in existence by the time his career took off?
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8:57 pm
http://christwire.org/2012/04/skrillex-is-the-inventor-of-dubstep/
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9:09 pm
How is putting up a link of total bullshit proof?
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3:47 pm
@ Adam Nelson
Adam, did you notice that while you were talking to august about how Skrillex is and you did mention the part about him being a lesbian until after you sent your first message. the reason you did that is because you made up stupid fake bullshit at the top of your head. God intended that we love, not fight, or to lie. But this article proves that you lie. You lie all the time. Plus it says in the bible NOWHERE that you cant do drugs.
Skrillex NEVER in this life invented dubstep.
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8:58 pm
Please see this link
http://swedishfish.com/products.html#red
It will show you what is in those Swedish fish and, that pic has defiantly been photo shopped. I think it would be beneficial if you would cite your statistics to show that you have not completely made up these numbers. DId they teach that at Phoenix University or did you miss that lesson b.c you lost you internet connection?
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7:53 am
I believe you are confused Hanna. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say that you CAN do drugs. You must not twist The Word to suit your dubstep agenda!
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2:40 pm
err.. good read, just one question though… Adam and Claire? You guys some divorced couple, with some bad past or something? both you are at each other like cat and dog. that’s music right there. i-know-what-step, but hell, it sounds better than dubstep.
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4:26 pm
Skrillex is BROSTEP, otherwise known as a Sub Genre of DUBSTEP (Which by the way existed long before skrillex, if you don’t know who Benga or SKREAM are, then STFU). DUBSTEP originated in the UK scene with minimalistic polyrythms and heavy emphasis on the Sub frequency’s (Hence you need a decent subwoofer to appreciate all the lower bass action). BROSTEP on the otherhand has lots of Mid to High range frequency action producing those squealing/screeching/generally annoying sounds. You have been informed…
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11:04 pm
Wow, this Adam guy really has his head up his ass so hard hahahahahahahah! I feel only pity for his intelligence
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9:58 am
All this is false and made up. Terrible Christian propaganda. Im sure people at this festival are nicer than anyone youd ever find in any house of worship. I dont understand this dudes need to make up fake drugs to try to scare parents. yea sure theres drugs, but they arent forced down your throat…your child chooses to take them. And the whole SKRILLEX CREATOR OF DUBSTEP, is just aragont and the part that made me the most upset about this article. do some research before you post stupid shit on the internet.Skrillex is no where near the creator shits been around for years…Stop filling the Web with lies and deceit…Its a sin…
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1:38 pm
AHAHAHAHAH why the fuck is everyone whining about/defending skrillex on this article? who the fuck cares, all it is is a hilarious conservative description of coachella
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9:54 am
I just don’t understand how someone can actually be allowed to post this bullshit online, I was reading the article and thought it was a joke, I was getting ready to see if this website is even real. Thank mother earth that I don’t have to deal with ridiculous people like you in real life.
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5:35 pm
Adam, eat some LSD, it may cause you to think logically and not like a total uneducated moron. Coachella and bonnaroo are totally seperate and you made up everyone of those drugs. And yes i did coachella thi year and the past four bonnaroos. And yes! You are still cordially invited to go back your unholy self!
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10:04 pm
I would gently pet and wash your cat, Claire. You’d see it wasn’t so bad if you do it right.
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1:45 pm
Any doctor who works in an ER long enough will say its ‘ours’. The patients are there to see us, everyone else is just a show act.
Whatever the case, drug seekers are a big problem. Do you know a good portion of them have cat infatuation issues?
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