If your son or daughter is posting images of their fun time at “Coachella 2012″, rest assured that they are likely drug addicts by now. Your daughter has a 75% chance of being pregnant and even worse, it is most likely a scaby baby. We won’t even terrify you fathers with knowledge of what horrors docked into your son’s backside if he were foolish enough to pass out, which ussually does happen at some point during Coachella’s exhausting weekend of sin.
Coachella 2012 is a music festival that takes place in the “Valley of the Homeless”. The valley is where most of the nomadic hippies of the 1970s finally settled. With The Dave Matthews Band and Jack Johnson now growing old to the collegiate ear, today’s yuppie children are looking for a new ‘outlet’ of mellow, chill music. Sadly, they are being lured by a band named The Phish, the new Pied Pipers of Marijuana who beat their hippie drums, gypsy tamborines and play their magical lutes as they lure college children to a festival that now attracts over 1 million people and results in acts of rampant drug induced pregnancy and shameful counts of LSD marinated reverse sodomizations of Gomorrhal iniquities.
1. Uncle Tweety Flipper’s Liquid LSD
Eyes perpetually glossed with the most addictive marijuana residues and spirits all but defunct, the mouths of naive Coachella raver chicks chirp open in sexual glee as they wait to be plied with more Tweetie Flipper’s liquid ecstasy induced acid trips.
Uncle Tweety’s Liquid Flipper packs the punch of carmalized 8 ball crystals and the addictive properties of raw cut maryjane. It’s said one ounce of this substance has a pheremone effect on women. It will cause them to immediately feel overheated and strip, arching their back like a crack addicted cat in heat and only feeling satisfied when they are mounted by one of the many diseased hippies who attend this festival. Liquid Flipper resembles Jelly Beans and has origins in the ‘jelly belly’ raver community of Florida.
To enter Coachella, everyone must first go through what’s called the Bonnaroo Tent to be ID’d. Women must receive a ‘tramp stamp’ on their backs, face, tongue or hands. The stamp is placed using heavy Henna Ink. The ‘tramp stamp’ marking signifies where a guy can ‘release himself’ should he mount a passed out woman for fornication: the tramp stamp is a pre-signed agreement that the woman acknowledges while she is sober. Unfortunately, the entire situation is bad and most men just go all the way with your college daughter at Coachella, not bothering to ‘pull it out’ and use the premarked areas.
The reality of the situation is grim but true. This year alone an estimated 820,000 college women were in attendance and regardless of where they placed their designated tramp stamp, over 60% of them are now pregnant and crying. Do you want this to be your daughter?
492,000 college women are now going to become foodstamp mothers with only a few years of college under their belts. Just one weekend and liquid jelly filled capsule of Uncle Tweety’s Liquid Flipper LSD ruined them.
Is your daughter looking a bit pudgy after her first year in college? If so, ask her if she’s been to Coachella. She’s either pregnant or immediately started Plan B and subsequent birth control because she’s addicted to Tweety Flipper. The Phish are known peddlers of filthy music, but how sick that their tunes are also used as the background music to all the college women subjected to the powerful effects of this compound.
2. Trippy Hippy Granules (Magic Mint Qualuudes)
Our good friends at LA Weekly helped document the effects of this substance. Qualuudes are a new street drug that investigators estimate took origin in the SoHo area of New York. Likely imported to the US by Cuban nationals, the mind-altering drug has now made its way to the West Coast where it is massively produced and consumed by the jobless hippies who habitate the Coachella Valley.
Qualuudes have a very, very bitter taste, so are mixed with the most addictive drug known to man: magic mint. This version of Whacko Tobacco, as the kids called it, is also known as Satan’s Sulfur Smoke (SSS). The SSS is a play on word on how when mixed together and heated, the magic mint and qualuudes make a S sound, like a homosexual snake with a lisp. When the vapors reach the nose of the imbiber, the effects are immediate and the shameful acts not remembered.
Look at this video footage:
Photo Courtesy LA Weekly
The young man in the image is showing the classic signs of Trippy Hippy consumption. Notice how he has already removed his shirt and has no shame. He cares not that people in the crowd are looking at him do his ‘dubstep’ walk. Notice how the boxers are still exposed, as he probably just finished an epic mount on one of the passed out Uncle Tweety chirpers from up above.
Trippy Hippy causes an explosive release of adrenaline in the body. Those who consume it have been noted to run at speeds of over 50 miles per hour, able to dead life over 600 pounds and are subject to harmful bouts of raging priapism.
The young man in this video can keep up this dancing, superhumanly fast docking of passed out women and raging priapism for at least 5 or 6 hours before passing out, where he himself will likely become the victim of a throbbing gristle and not remember a thing when the drug concoction wears off.
3. Skillex Drops Pops
Named after the crater-prone founder of dubstep, Skrillex Drops are probably the greatest threat against your daughter’s unfertilized womb. The droplets are made from strong bases such as soap and shampoo, in which fertility pills are massively dissolved over high heats. The medicinal mixture is then mixed with heavy carmael, cocao beans, a jungle list of ‘hallucinogens’ and sugar. Strong coffee is then added to the mixture until a volume of 2 cups is reached, at which point is is blended to make Ice Blended Skrillex Drops.
This harmful product is usually consumed off a popsicle stick and is said to taste just like a Starbucks Drink, leaving the women who consume it frisky, fertile and fervent in their attempts to force themselves on a man.
4. Phunky Phish Acid Candies
It’s rare to find a freshly bathed hippie, raver or hipster. All of the demographics relish in the fermenting funks of humanism, hence their vehement defense of destructive concepts like free love, socialism and music festivals that only the jobless have time to attend.
For every five college women that attend Coachella, the CDC confirms that 3 have an 80% chance of becoming pregnant with scaby babies. Their minds will be so mussed from all the smoked drugs and mindless gyrations they won’t know until weeks later. We won’t even terrify you fathers with what all likely happened to your sons. At least not yet.
If your child has attended Coachella 2012, plan a visit to a psychologist and ask what necessary paperwork needs to be signed to commit your college child to your custody. When you next see your son or daughter, tell them the form is necessary for their next year’s tuition and when they sign it, have them arrested and taken to an emergency room for medical clearance. Then, get them tested for drugs, pregnancy and disease. Please, don’t be shocked when you find out they have all three and focus on rehabing their lives. Coachella is a dangerous festival and is largely to blame for the recent yearly decline of American graduates of college and unemployment rate.