• This Easter, Help Take Rick Santorum’s Good Name Back With This Delicious Santorum-Flavored Holiday Meal!

    April 3, 2012 12:16 am 179 comments

    Senator Rick Santorum has devoted his life to promoting Christian love and charity in America. For his humble efforts, liberal media operatives have branded him with a libelously offensive label that defies decency, reason and any foundation of compassion. One man in particular, notorious pervert Dan Savage, has led the charge. Hacking into Google’s internet search engine technology, Savage was able to effectively defame the good Senator with the help of reckless hordes of unrepentant sodomites. They daily celebrate their success online with a tizzy of marijuana abuse, democrat party activism and a form of gay violation perversely known as “power bottoming.” These people are truly a horror show.

    This glorious Easter holiday, let’s take back the noble name of Santorum! Let Santorum mean something both beautiful, wondrous and evocative! As a special patriotic feature, we have chosen to respect the Senator’s home state of Pennsylvania by unequivocally and permanently declaring: From this day forward, Santorum will hereby mean a savory mix of milk, potato chips and brook trout!

    “Yes, of course!” many of you Keystoners are saying. Milk is the state drink of Pennsylvania, while brook trout is the commonwealth’s emblematic fish and the potato chip industry is one of the area’s foremost employers. Boiled together, they form a surprisingly delicious sauce that can be used to garnish any sort of meal or snack! Best of all, Santorum flavoring is rich in calcium, protein, vitamin B-12 and American-made starch. And your kids will love it!

    Stuart Keyes Rick SantorumAre you tired of dainty nachos that leave you limp wristed when you go in deep for those heavy, ethnic dips? Try Rick’s Santorum-Flavored Potato Chips where the thick, creamy taste is baked right in! No need to trawl the “foreign foods” aisle at the supermarket for expensive salsas, guacamoles and hummus, this taste is 100% American!

    As Mother and the girls prepare the Easter feast in the kitchen, lay out a bag of Rick’s for the men in the rumpus room and leave them alone to share mouthfuls of salty, milky flavor. Scrumptious, hearty and sprinkled with that mysterious pang of masculinity, Santorum-Flavored party chips are the perfect adventure for the man whose taste buds yearn for something filling and fabulous!

    Stuart Keyes Rick Santorum Guys, are you worried that eating salad makes you look a bit homosexual? Worry no more with Wish Bone’s aggressively zesty Santorum Salad Dressing! It will bully your taste buds into submission like a gang of sweaty jocks in the locker room! There’s no room to escape when that marvelous Santorum richness holds you down and floods your mouth!

    Once you’ve acquired a taste for those subtle hints of muksy delight, you’ll be parting lettuce leaves and rolling tomatoes aside to get right at that those thick gobs of Santorum in your tossed salad! Your tongue will dart every which way to lap up the pungent depths of this heartland flavor! And when that final blast of Santorum hits your lips, you’ll feel like a Tea Party favorite with a million dollar consulting gig! No amount of feminists, radical gays and hippies will hold you back from embracing America’s reawakened manhood when you have Santorum dripping from your chin!

    Stuart Keyes Rick Santorum

    Nothing brings the family together like a home-cooked meal, but have your wife’s dishes grown dull and tired? Spice up your holiday with the exciting bounty of a Santorum Glazed Easter Ham! It’s thick and juicy, sweet and smoky, just like Pennsylvania’s favorite Senator himself! We glaze our hams faithfully a dozen times over to give them that wet, tangy taste that you only get from a fresh piece of meat! That spunky explosion of Santorum is so succulent, you’ll want to suck it right out!

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    Stuart Keyes Rick SantorumOutraged by all those liberal candy brands that don’t embrace family values? Rick’s Sugar Bunnies are the answer to your prayers! Not only are they stuffed with bursts of gooey, frothy Santorum-flavoring, they’re also delightfully shaped like bunny rabbits! Most thrilling of all, they’re uniquely crafted to invite great fun for the whole family!

    Nothing says luck like rabbits! Teens will trade them for hugs and tugs! Pop a ripe one between Uncle Kevin’s lips and watch him gulp it in! Thank Cousin Sally for all her hard work and with a thick, creamy surprise! Hide one in your pocket and ask Nephew Timmy to find that extra spongy Easter package you’ve got specially for him! Mother might even enjoy a golden Santorum sparkle in her mouth at the end of a long night!

     

     

     

    Stuart Keyes Rick Santorum

    Finally, folks, the Santorum spectacular doesn’t have to end after Easter Sunday! With the help of the Tea Party hero himself, we have created an amazingly rich glaze just for men! It’s perfect for kitchen cooking or a backyard BBQ with the boys! We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will say it once earned Senator Rick the nickname Senator Lick! Yes, Rick’s Glaze is certainly bone-lickin’ good, as guys from Dupont Circle to Pittsburgh’s Liberty Avenue will readily attest. So after your holiday festivities are done, save a little Santorum for the next time. Whenever that secret, frothy craving hits, pull it out just like Senator Santorum himself. Just don’t let Karen know!

    Special thanks to stupendous Stuart Keyes for whipping up (and down!) this gorgeous Easter meal!

     

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    About The Author
    Stephenson Billings Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package! Facebook me here or Fanmail me: StephensonBillings@yahoo.com !

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